All the changes! - part 1

I alluded to a multitude of changes happening in my life in the last post so I thought I should be more specific.  It's hard to know where to start so I guess I'll just get right into it.

I can't remember if I've ever posted about my mother.  We had a complicated relationship, to say the least.  In the more recent years, I tended to focus on the negative.  So much so that I had very little contact with her.  I had spent many years feeling attacked and belittled that I had a hard time trusting when she said the right things.  I wish now that I had been quicker to share my life with her and to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she had hurt me in the past.

I'm not going to get into any gory details.  My relationship with my mother is probably similar to many other parental relationships.  As children, we are totally dependent on our parents, especially our mothers.  When they appear to fail in our eyes, a lot of us are very slow to forgive.  I wish I could say I wasn't like that but the truth is, after many years of feeling hurt, I chose to back away instead of forgiving and loving my mom for who she was instead of who I wish she was.

A few months ago, my sister called me.  She lived with my mom and I don't think she has ever called me in her entire adult life before then.  Some of that is my fault, I am older and I was so wrapped up in my own life and family that I didn't make any effort to maintain a relationship with the adult version of my little sister.  And some of it is my mom's fault for subtly putting a wedge in between us.  Whatever the cause, I had always regretted not having more of a sisterly relationship with my sister.

Anyway, she called.  She called because mom was sick and it was serious.  What had been thought to be a UTI was actually Stage IV liver cancer, most likely metastasized from her pancreas.  The doctor was initially saying she had 6 months to live.  I immediately planned a trip to the mainland so that Bella could meet her face to face (they had been emailing sporadically) before she got too sick. 

The last time I talked to my mom where she was coherent was a week before Mother's Day.  I chose to take something she said and get hurt feelings and offended.  When I called the following week on Mother's Day, she was on so many pain meds that she wasn't understandable on the phone.

Everything happened very fast.  My mom decided on no chemo and was admitted into hospice at home.  Two days later, my sister called and said the docs were now saying 4-6 WEEKS instead of months.  I was on a plane that night.

When I got to their house, my mom was still alive but she was heavily medicated and had very few lucid moments.  As I sat by her bedside, I could only think of how many regrets I had and how much time we had wasted.

I spent time with my sister, getting to know her as an adult and finding that I really liked her a lot.  She is such an intelligent and multi-faceted woman.  I am proud to be her sister.  We took turns sitting with mom, sitting quietly, and doing our own thing. 

The second day I was there, mom had a lucid moment.  She didn't speak but I told her I loved her and that I was sorry for my part in our troubled relationship.  She lifted her arms and when I asked if she wanted a hug, she nodded.  Her last words to me were "love you too".  She died that night.

I've struggled in the 3 months since then with my feelings about my mom.  I love her.  I've always loved her.  I have good memories along with the bad.  I remember being 8 years old and taking horseback riding lessons.  I remember singing along to "Delta Dawn" and "You're So Vain".  I remember mom making lemon eggy when I was sick.  She was an excellent cook and taught me so much.  I have her first cookbook and another cookbook where she wrote all her made up recipes.  I remember watching old movies and musicals on tv on a lazy Sunday.  I remember going to work with her as she worked overtime teaching herself programming so we could have a better life.

I miss my mom.  My feelings are just as complicated as our relationship was.  I wish we had longer.  I wish I had forgiven her sooner.  And I hope she knows now how much she meant to me.

Starting over is so hard!

I've been thinking a lot about regret and failure.  I try really hard to not regret decisions made in my past but some days I really feel it.  I compare my insides to other's outsides.  I wonder what I could have done differently to get what I perceive as what others have.

I decided this morning that I wanted to start from now and really work on me and my attitude.  I miss feeling happy and sometimes have no idea why I don't.  I sabotage myself; in so many ways!  It's time to lift myself up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and be the person I want to be.  It may be a bit of "fake it till you make it" at first but without starting, I will get nowhere.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this is coming from being inside my head too much since I spent the last 10 days sick.  No running, not really leaving the house, and plenty of time to find my life unsatisfactory compared to what others choose to show the world.  I've always tried to share both the good and the bad but I know that not everyone does that.  Instead of envy and jealousy, I need to foster self-love, gratitude, and genuine happiness for the people in my life.

So, here's to the second half of 2019!  So much is happening (new job, finishing grad school, new home) and there is so much to be thankful for.  Consider this my official "I'm back!" post.  I will try to keep my commitment to myself (and my 1 follower:  Aloha Kate!) and share on a regular basis my challenges, triumphs, and escapades. 

I want to live this life, not just survive it.

Now, go hug someone just because.  And hydrate.

peace.

And so we begin (trigger warning for eating disorders)

Trigger warning for those who have issues with eating disorders.  You may want to skip this because I will be talking about mine.  J.



So, I wanted to post on Sunday but since I made a trade at work and ended up working 3 in a row I was just too tired.

I haven't been too lazy though!  I am slowly making my way back into the world of fitness and eating better.  The eating part isn't too difficult...I actually like healthy food and I'm content with an occasional treat.  My trick is to not keep the junk in the house.  Eventually, the craving passes.  When I do have a treat then I plan it and make sure there are no leftovers.  Sometimes T will bring home stuff but I try to ignore it.  

For the sake of transparency, I had a cookie last night.  The miracle was that I only had one and I was actually fine with that!

See, I have to be careful on how I handle my diet and my relationship with food.  I don't know when it started but one day I realized that I was hiding my food intake from family and friends.  I waited to eat until after T and B were in bed or left for work/school.  At work, if there were treats in the break room I wouldn't eat any if there was anyone there.  I ate a lot of fast food in the car.  By a lot I mean 3 meals in one sitting.  Enough to feel sick.

I alternated my secret binges with extreme healthy eating and tracking my food down to the teaspoon.

None of it was healthy and all of it made me feel horrible both mentally and physically.  Mix in there over exercising and setting unrealistic goals and you have my life for the last year or so.  I have what's called orthorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy; a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful.

It's taken me a couple months to adjust to not practicing my particular brand of Hell but I've slowly been crawling out of my hole and living a lifestyle that I am proud of most of the time.  It's not all puppies and rainbows but it's a lot healthier than it was before.  I'll save the how's for another post.  This one has gotten a little emotional for me, just writing it all out.

Here's this week's check in:  

I ran a total of 7 miles, some of them with my new running partner Dawn.  She is awesome and is helping me to stay accountable.

That's us :)

I've mostly been logging my food.  I missed yesterday but will start again tomorrow.  I've been on point with moderation.  I'm eating healthy but I'm allowing myself to have the occasional cookie or ice cream.  Life is too short, isn't it?

Today I started a work out program on the Jillian Michael's app.  It's called the Gauntlet.  I'll admit that I didn't even look at it because the name said to me that I was incapable of anything like that. But then she (Jillian) talked about it on her latest podcast.  It's a year long program that starts from the beginning level and progresses as you do.  The work out was hard today (I was only able to do a sit up with B sitting on my feet) but I did it!  I'm excited about progressing.  

I have a day one progress pic but I have been fighting with my phone, apple, itunes, and my laptop for hours and I give up.  It's dinner time.  I will post it on Saturday with my race pics!

peace <3

With a new start, comes new goals

So I swear that I didn't just post and run in March!  Life has been crazy but since things have calmed down, I am hoping to get into a rhythm of posting.  I'm aiming for once a week.

I also swear that I wasn't just talking smack.  I have actually started doing things to take care of myself better.  I meant it when I said I wanted to be healthier and I am really trying to do it the right way.

I still struggle with negative self-talk.  I think that may take awhile to give that up.  It's taken me my whole life to get to this place so I need to be patient with myself when it comes to what is going on in my head, too.

My goals for May are pretty simple:  

• Get started
• Set up accountability
• Be consistent

Simple, right?  So here's what I did to follow through on these 3 simple goals.

To get started, I picked up my bullet journal again.  I let it slip away while focusing on getting back into the swing of things at school but I'm back at it.  I scheduled time for my work outs, began meal planning weekly, and logged my measurements.  I'm not ready to share those with you yet but I'll get there.  Future posts will highlight my fitness tracking too :)

Accountability was fairly easy.  I found someone that I really enjoyed being with who was also looking for accountability and had similar goals as me.  My goal is weekly runs with her.  Tomorrow is our second week and I'm really excited about it.  

Consistency is probably my most difficult goal this month.  I'm great at planning but can be sketchy on the follow through.  I'm really trying to make it different this time.  

So this is what I've been up to the last few weeks.  Here's to new beginnings!

Peace <3

It's time to be kind

I've always thought of myself as a nice person but I've come to realize that I really am not a very nice person.  Oh, I'm kind to others, help when I can, lend an ear or a shoulder, and work really hard at not being judgmental.  I try to see things through other's eyes.  I have tremendous compassion for other people...

And then I look in a mirror.  Suddenly, that compassionate, kind, loving person is not there.  When it comes to how I treat myself, judge myself, and think of myself I am a bully.

It has to stop.  The bullying is killing me slowly.

I'm not sure how this change will occur, but I am working on it.  No more hiding.  No more negative self-talk.  More acceptance and love.

Are there things I need to change about myself?  Sure there are!  But I've come to understand that change does not have to come with hateful thoughts and feelings.  Change can come with love and kindness.  I'll even go so far as to say change made with hate is unsustainable while change made with kindness will last a lifetime. The effects of how I treat myself will then become ripples on a pond, affecting those around me.

I ask myself, "what do I want to teach my children? Especially, my daughters?"  If anyone bullied my kids the way I bully myself, there would be Hell to pay.  I want to teach my kids to stand up to bullies.  Especially when that bully is their own inner voice.  I want to teach them it can be done.  That they can love themselves while still wanting to make positive changes.

The first step is admitting there is a problem.  And that's what I am doing now.

peace <3

On being a grandma

I became a grandma again today for the third time.  As I look at the pictures my son has sent me I am so full of love for this little person that my heart feels like it will explode.  It is not something I ever expected back in the years before I had grandchildren, when my own children were little.

Don't get me wrong...I knew I'd love them when I got them.  I just had no idea on the intensity of feeling that would overwhelm me when I look at the children of my children.  I always thought I could never love anyone as much as I love my kids but I was wrong.  When I look at the grandchildren I have been blessed with, I realize that my children have given me such a beautiful and unexpected gift. 

I see my children in my grandchildren...along with bits and pieces of me, their dad, my parents, his parents...and so on...

I see the past in my grandchildren but, more importantly, I see the future.  As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how my children have grown right along with them.  Is there any greater blessing?

In this haze of grandmotherly pride there is a little part of me that realizes no one is perfect but that part is silenced when I look into the faces of my grandchildren and think...

THIS is perfection. 

Commitment

A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering.  I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru.  As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.

I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.

I am done allowing life to control me.  It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about.  Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings.  I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change.  Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.

Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!

J.

So, I've been thinking...

Which we all know is generally frowned upon and gets me nowhere...

Anyway, I kept thinking "as soon as I can get my act together and be consistent..." and "as soon as life calms down..." and " as soon as I have something relevant and inspiring to say..."

...Well you get the idea.  I've wanted to restart blogging for quite awhile.  I so often have a ton of stuff in my head that takes up too much space and, frankly, it helps me to write it all out.  So here I am, sitting here in my pj's, gearing up for a nap (nightshift, y'all, don't get judgy), and fighting off a raging cold.  I decided to just put it all out there (briefly, for now) and just...start.  I have no illusions that I'll be consistent (though I'm hoping I will) but I do think it may help my brain to be a bit more organized.

I also kind of hope that somewhere out there in the interwebz someone will say "yeah...I feel/think/hurt/am happy/am sad/agree/identify with that too!"  I can't be the ONLY weirdo can I??

So here are the bullet points that I will elaborate on later (nap time remember?):

• I am now permanent nights...which I love for the most part but sometimes I have trouble not being lazy about it.
• We are moving in less than a week.  Not far but moving still sucks!  I have not been holding up my side of the bargain and T is getting annoyed.  He's done most of the work.
• I have taken on the job of Clinical Instructor and that's taken up a lot of time this month.  I love it but the schedule was not something to write home about.
• I also applied for a per diem pediatric/PICU RN position...because, well, I'm not really BUSY, right?
• Then there is the ever present desire to lose weight while continuing to eat crap.  I know better but I'm not sure I can do better.  I'm disappointed in myself.
• Along the lines of feeling disappointed in (aka sorry for) myself, I am supposed to be marathon training. Just over 2 months until the race and I am way behind on where I should be. 

So there it is.  Not feeling very funny or entertaining this morning.  Just sad and tired and discouraged and real.  I thought about looking for an inspirational meme or funny picture but I just don't have the energy today.

This is my new start.  I hope you'll come along for the ride.  

The first step

Aloha!

As I said in my last post, I have a grand plan of running around Oahu by my next birthday...the BIG 50.  Just in case you think I was just blowing smoke and fizzled out on another goal, I am here to tell you that I actually started.  What I'm not so good at is follow up on documenting it.  BUT I did take pictures so better late than never, yes?  Since I plan on running part of it again tomorrow I figured I'd better write this tonight.

I will say that I have been a bit busy lately.  Between working OT and running and the in-laws visiting, I've hardly had a minute to myself to just breathe, let alone blog.  All fun things (well maybe not the OT) but fun can be stressful too.

After I began my epic journey, I ran the Hapalua Half Marathon.

Not my best race but not my worst either.  I was very glad to have my family out cheering me on.

So about my journey.  I ran 5K to begin.  From home to the fountain at Kapiolani park.

It was a beautiful day and I felt really good starting out.

While this run was actually shorter than most of my easy runs (time constraints due to that pesky thing called work) I actually felt pretty reflective and relaxed.  There are so many reasons that I run and so many people that I run for.  This first 3.1 I was able to think about that and my WHY.  We all have a WHY.  The important thing is remembering what (or who) it is.

I got to the fountain and was greeting by my number 1 fans, T and B.

B never stops cheering for me and T always makes sure he is there at the finish, whether it's a training run or a race.  I couldn't do any of this without these two.

I felt great afterwards, though a bit panicked because we dawdled too long at the fountain and I was late getting ready for work.

So tomorrow, I start at the fountain for my easy 4.  I am super excited that it is a flat area.  I don't get many flat runs anymore!  I have a race coming up next month and I'm bound and determined to do better.  To stick with it.  To do this for me.

For those of you that made it this far:  thank you!  I know this is probably boring listening to my self-centered babbling but at least the pictures are pretty :)

Peace, my friends!

A Very Important Topic

HELLO!

Now that I've got your attention, it's time to talk about a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC.  I woke up today after not really sleeping (a story for another blog post) and realized that my birthday is in less than 6 months!  And not just any birthday...

My 50th birthday!

Now, I suppose most people are bothered by turning such a monumental age as half a century but I'm actually excited about it.  I'm having the time of my life, living a life that I could only dream about a few years ago, and sharing it with someone I love.  It just doesn't get any better.

So here's what I want to talk about:  I wanted to do something monumental for my birthday to celebrate being happy in my own skin and to commemorate this milestone birthday.  Thing was, I had no idea what I wanted to do.  So what did I do?  I took to the internet and asked for suggestions.

I got several good ones that I may do along with the main one that I'll tell you about in a minute.  Here are a few of them:

1. Hang glide over a volcano (not likely, but good idea nonetheless)
2. Do 50 things that challenge me, big and little...and I am going to try to do this one along the way.
3. Give 50 blessings to others...another one I am going to try to do.  It appeals to my desire to become a better person.
4. Run 50 miles or 50K or some variation of the number 50.
5. Run a destination race...already have a couple planned, including the Marine Corps Marathon not long after my birthday.  This will also be the first time I've ever traveled alone.
6. And the one that I am definitely doing:  Circumvent Oahu.

Now I know you are thinking I am crazy, but hear me out.

I won't do it in one complete run, there is no way I can take the time off work to do so and let's face it, I am NOT an ultra-runner by any stretch of the imagination.  Maybe some day but not now.  The distance is doable if taken in chunks, like making every long run part of the journey.  I mapped it out and it comes to just over 133.5 miles...a distance I do in less than 2 months.

All that was left was to run it by my better half (see what I did there?).  I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't laugh but encouraged me.  Not that he laughs at me but to be honest, it does seem like a crazy thing to do.

I'm going to wait until after my half marathon this coming weekend to start my epic journey.  I can't wait to see the island in a new way and I'm excited about the things I will learn (hopefully) about myself.

So, come and celebrate this adventure with me!  It should be fun as long as you don't get tired of my self-centered rambling about my birthday.  If you stick around for it all, I may even share my cake with you :)

Life is strange

It's funny how things work out isn't it?  I've been meaning to update this blog but life got away from me...moving 4000 miles will do that to you I guess.  One of the things I promised myself for this year was to become more consistent in all areas of my life:  running, parenting, health, personal and professional lives, and this blog.  Some days I have so much going on inside my head and nowhere to put it.  So, my dear readers, here I am.

A lot has happened since September when I last posted.  Some bad, mostly good.  We are finally beginning to feel settled in to our new home though we still have so much to learn about this awesome state we have have chosen to live in.

Today's post isn't about that though.  Updates will have to wait because today is January 1st!  The day for New Year's Resolutions!

Most of you who know me, know I really don't do the whole resolution thing.  For me, it seems to set me up for massive failure every year.  Usually by January 3rd.

So once again I proclaim this a no-resolution zone.

I will have attainable, measurable goals instead of pie in the sky wishes.

Now I know you are saying to yourselves, "it's all semantics.  Goals are the same thing as resolutions."  I don't believe that, though.  I think that if I have goals that I can actually verbalize steps to achieve then I have more of a chance to get to where I want to go than if I just say "I want to be thin" or "I want to be successful" or even "I want to be loved".

I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I want to be.  I want to be someone that other people can count on.  I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend.  I also want to be the kind of person that I can be proud of being.  I want to be healthier, stronger, less quick to hurt feelings, more forgiving and kind.  I want to stop letting others actions hurt me.  All of these things are changed by working from the inside out, the hardest kind of change (for me).  A lot of it will involve simply keeping my mouth shut.  Again, the hardest kind of change (for me).  The painful process of letting others be who they are going to be is just something to get through.  Hopefully, this will be the year where my acceptance muscles get stronger.

I hear you saying "wow, that's no fun".  Nope, that stuff isn't fun.  I take a lot of things personally that I really shouldn't (as anyone who knows me at all will agree to).  For now, I will just keep my mouth shut and try to learn to process things in a way where I am not the center of the universe and the reason that everyone does what they do (for good or bad).  It will be a struggle but I will trudge on.

I do, however, have some actual fun goals.  Yes, running related.  And yes, I can hear the collective groan of everyone who is tired of hearing about my running, races, gnarly toenails, and aching muscles.  So if you don't want to read about that you can skip to the bottom.

2014 was a year of firsts when it came to most of my life, running included.  I ran more half marathons last year (4) and even did my first Full Marathon (the Honolulu Marathon).  I joined the Half Fanatics.  And I made some decisions as to where I wanted my running to take me.  I want to go to Boston.

For 2015, my goals are simple.  I will become more consistent in my training.  If I want to get faster and stronger then I have to assume my coach knows her stuff and follow her directions.  I don't expect to BQ this year but I do expect to move closer to that possibility.  As for specific time goals, I hope to do a sub 2:15 half and a sub 5 marathon by the end of the year.

Let me quickly address my weight.  It seems that every year, weight is a big issue for me.  I lose some, then gain it back.  This last year was no exception.  I lost a ton (ok, 27 pounds) then gained most of it back during the transition to Hawaii.  One thing I've discovered about myself is that if I focus on the number on the scale then I will give up pretty quickly.  I fluctuate too much.  So instead, this year I will focus simply on my physical abilities and how my clothes fit.  No more weighing in.  I know what I need to do and what I need to eat (or not eat!) in order to be healthy.  This seems like a good time to get on that.

So, yeah.  That's it.  I have some other stuff that I also want to accomplish but this post is already way longer than I expected it to be so I will finish this now. 

2015...ready or not, here I come!

The first day of school

Today my youngest started Pre-K.  She will only be going there for a month before we move but I wanted her to be able to spend some time with her friends and teachers from last year.  It was bittersweet for me because it makes me sad that she will leave all these people who love her...even though I know she will make new friends and have new teachers who will love her wherever we end up.

She was really happy to be back :)

So now I'm at home, basically alone (T is sleeping).  No excuses to not get my list started.  Am I getting anything done?  Not yet. I'm drinking my coffee and contemplating what it means that my youngest is now effectively out in the world.  

It's an ending, sure, but it's also a beginning -  for both of us.  As she grows and blossoms into this amazing girl I get the privilege of walking with her and seeing this miracle.  Seeing all that she discovers, seeing the world through her young not-cynical eyes is simply amazing.  I never took the time to do that with my other kids; instead I remained too busy, too caught up in what I needed to do to get everyone through the day, week, month.  I missed so much!  I am determined not to make that same mistake.

Some thoughts on being a mom

While this isn't my first rodeo, I've never claimed to be a mom expert.  Personally, I think we are all experts on our own children.

That said, I've noticed a disturbing trend in parenting lately.  This over-thinking of every little thing we do as parents.  Everyday in my Facebook feed I see articles on what we as parents are doing wrong.  Then there are the sactimommy articles that tell us how they are better moms than the rest of us because of (fill in parenting rule here).  Many times these articles imply that we suck as parents because we just don't care as much for our kids as the authors do.

Here's what I think after raising 4 fairly successful kids (2 in the Army, 1 catering manager, and 1 911 dispatcher):  Sometimes we just need to relax.  Now, those who know me know that I am the LEAST relaxed person on the face of the earth...or at least in the Midwest.  I get anxious about everything, second guess myself, and drive T nuts when I am trying to make an informed decision.  
The thing is, I am not that way when it comes to my parenting.  My kids watched too much tv (B still does).  I didn't enroll them in a ton of activities (who could afford it for so many kids?!).  I yelled, a lot, and made threats I couldn't follow through on:  "if you touch your sister again I will duct tape you to the wall".

I understand that this is a different world we're raising B in than it was when I raised my 4 older kids.  It's not as safe.  We know more about a lot of stuff.  We have safer carseats, better helmets, and we are generally better informed about everything.  I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing.  What I do think is that society and "experts" are making it harder to parent instead of easier.

I don't read parenting books.  I tried to and realized that all they did was make me feel like a failure.  I compared my life to that non-existent ideal world that is generally portrayed in that type of thing.  To be honest, I think those "experts" and books are what's messing up this up and coming generation.

Parenting is truly not that hard.  Love them.  Show them by your own behavior what it means to be a decent person.  Teach them the consequences of their actions, even if it means being the "bad guy".  And when it's time, let them go.

Some days B will watch too much tv because I am tired or need to get stuff done and that's ok.  She survives on grilled cheese sandwiches because that's all she will eat, and that's ok.  Sometimes she cries because I don't give her what she wants and that's ok, too.

In the end, I want all my kids to be strong, loving, tolerant, and hard-working adults.  I may not get there like you do but that doesn't mean we won't all (mostly) get there.  I just choose to enjoy my journey instead of feeling guilty about the choices I make. 

As parents, especially moms, we should be building each other up instead of tearing each other down.  One great thing about parenting today is the additional resource of the internet and the support and commiseration we can find there.  Instead of using it as a way to feel superior to other moms, how about we just use it as a way to be there for each other during one of the easiest hardest times of our lives.

Bittersweet

Yesterday at work was my first day of work where everyone is finding out that I am leaving.  I had intended to keep a low profile and not talk about it too much because 1) I'm a little superstitious and 2) I don't want to tick people off again.

Plus, I get the inevitable "Again?"

Unfortunately for my plan to fly under the radar, people are curious and ask questions.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mind sharing my news; I'm super excited about it!  I just don't want to push it.  T says that if they ask then it's OK to talk about it so I'm trying to stick to that rule.

It was a little emotional for me yesterday.  I feel like I am saying good-bye in my head everywhere I go in the hospital.  The one big downside to this move is leaving everyone behind.  I think it really hit me yesterday when people told me how much they were going to miss me even though they were happy for us.  I've known some of these people for 18 years and I can't imagine not having them in my day to day work life.

I have told everyone that our door will always be open and that I hope people will come visit but I know there will be few if any visits because it's so far away.  That makes me sad.

I wish I could pack up everyone and bring them with me.

So, I cried yesterday.  Twice.  And once today.  That doesn't mean that I'm not secure in our decision to go...it only means that I will miss all that I am leaving behind.

Today is another day of packing and searching for a shipping company.  And errands.  Always errands.

While I try to focus on all the positive in this move and not think about the sad parts.

The first box

Today was a banner day.  I feel like we are on our way and at this moment, I'm not terrified.

I met with my boss today.  I wanted to speak with her in person, before I officially gave notice.  We've had our ups and downs but she is a good person who has really been there for me over the last year.  I wanted her to know that I was not taking this job because I wasn't happy in my job or on the unit.  I was going because it was an incredible opportunity for us.  For me.  I think she understood that.  I hope she did.

She did tell me that if I ever wanted or needed to come back I would always have a job on the unit.  Makes me feel good about my time there.

I also started packing!  With 5 weeks to go before we leave, I'm really hoping to get it all done as quickly as possible.  Unfortunately I just finished UNPACKING the last box from the original planned move.  That's been the only irritant for me so far...repacking the stuff I just unpacked.

Tomorrow, the phone calls begin.

I think I need more lists.

Well, then.

Well, hello.  It's been awhile, hasn't it?  I'm dusting off this blog without having read the old posts; it was a rough time and now I'd like to focus on the now.  And, dare I say, the future.

In case you are wondering, things did not turn out the way I would have made them turn out if I'd had any say.  But now I can honestly say that the way things turned out was exactly how they were supposed to.

I will probably elaborate in a future post but right now I really don't want to get into specifics...mainly because I feel pretty good about where we are today and where we are headed.  Those of you who know me know that it was a rough year and a half.  It's over now, though, and time to move on to better and brighter things.

So let me tell you how this story begins...

A few months ago I was bored and surfing the net.  I wasn't specifically looking for anything but, as I always do, I checked out jobs in Hawaii.  It had become a way to fantasize about what could have been and what never would be after all was said and done.  

It wasn't that I was really unhappy...I loved my job and the people I worked with.  I was happier than I'd ever been in my marriage, though I wished T didn't have to work nights.  Things were good, aside from being perpetually tired from picking up extra shifts.

Anyway, as I looked at the available jobs at the hospital in Hawaii that I'd tried to get into for 6 years I saw that there were 2 that I was qualified for:  a staff nurse in PICU and a transport nurse position.  I stared at those 2 job postings and thought:  What the Hell.

And I applied.

I thought no more about it after that.  I knew they would never contact me.  After all, I'd applied and applied, taken all sorts of tests, even spoken to HR and unit directors...all to no avail.

2 weeks later I received an email telling me that I was required to take some pre-interview tests.  I laughed to myself; I'd already taken every test in the system and passed them with flying colors.  T wanted me to call them but I just kept putting it off.  I knew that it would be just like all the other times.

After a few weeks of T pestering me about it and getting increasingly annoyed with me, I called.  Mainly to get him off my back about it.  Being constantly rejected by them really did a number on my ego.  When I called I was told that I didn't need to take any tests since I'd taken them and they would forward my application on to the appropriate department heads.

Right.

I then promptly forgot about it.

After all, I had a vacation to plan and a thousand other things that needed my attention.

Until last week.

As I watched TV and played Facebook after a long day at work, the phone rang.  I glanced down, expecting to ignore it, to be honest.  But caller ID said "Hawaii, US".  It really didn't occur to me that it would be the Hospital.  I thought it was the hotel we had booked for our vacation next month so I answered it.

And there I was being asked if I was still interested in a job I'd applied for months ago.  A job I'd coveted for years.

After a 45 minute phone call I was ecstatic.  I really thought it had gone well.  Really well.  The hope that suddenly blossomed in my heart scared me to death.  I was afraid to get my hopes up.

After 6 long days I couldn't stand it anymore and I called the director who had interviewed me.  Of course I got voice mail.  She did call me back but I had already had to gone to bed.  A 6 hour time difference really makes it hard to communicate sometimes!  We agreed that I'd call back the next day after work.

So I called.  And got voice mail.  Story of my life, right?

But then something happened.

Human resources called and officially offered me a position in the PICU.  My dream job in a dream place.

So this morning I accepted.  And now the adventure begins.

Happy New Year (a few days late)

After finally coming up for air after a very busy holiday season (both personally and professionally), I feel like it's time for the first post of the new year.  I've spent a lot of time lately, as most of us do, reflecting on the past year and what it meant to me.  I find it very difficult, however, to really put words to how I feel about it all.  There are so many feelings that I go through on a daily basis and sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.  Or at least my brand of normal.

I've taken matters into my own hands lately with my 100 day challenge.  It feels good.  It feels good to push myself again.  It feels good when my daughter tries to copy what I'm doing and asks "when are we going to work out today Mommy?"  It feels good when my husband, T, does not question me when I come home from work and get on the Dreadmill before anything else.  He just asks "how far did you go today?" and tells me how great I'm doing.  And that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what my opinion is about how I look.

My house isn't as clean as I'd like it and my laundry is waiting to be folded.  Princess B is still a sassy pants a lot of the time.  Many days (too many!) I only see my husband in passing as I get home from work and he leaves for work.  But there is a new feeling in my house.  As I do more to keep myself in balance, our home seems more in balance.  It certainly gives credence to the saying "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

I've had to make a lot of changes over the last 9 months or so.  This newest one, taking better care of myself, is hard but so very important.  For too long, I've put myself on the back burner, trying to keep everything and everyone together while I fall apart.  surprisingly (probably only to me), taking care of me has helped keep everyone else together better than my falling apart has.

So here's to a better year.  There are so many possibilities this year.  I can't wait to see what new adventures await.

Peace ☮

p.s. if you'd like to see my 100 days of moving challenge blog here is the address:  http://100daysofmoving.blogspot.com/

Out with the old

I woke up this morning in a mood.  I'm not sure what kind, but it was definitely a mood.  The last week I've been working a lot.  When I wasn't working, I was trying (and failing) to catch up with household stuff.  As a result, my house is a mess, my laundry baskets are full, and my refrigerator is empty.  This morning, in the relative quiet of my one day off, I had some time to reflect on what I want and don't want in my life.  Rather deep thoughts pre-coffee, I must say!

One thought that was crystal clear was that I am tired of clutter.  Counters full of dishes, things piled upon things, rooms that have fallen to disuse because they became storage for junk we never use, and 1000+ emails.

This is how I felt this morning:

 

So, after getting a load of laundry in and pouring myself some coffee, I did the unprecedented.  I deleted all but 17 of those emails.  Every blog post, every sale email, every recipe I'll never make, went into the trash.  It was both scary and freeing at the same time.  I can now start the new year with one area of my life cleaned out and clutter free.

 

 

 

I am the first to admit that I have trouble letting things go.  I find comfort in things and have attached some sort of memory or feeling to just about everything I own.  I also have an irrational fear of getting rid of something and then finding that I need it a week later.  I guess times of financial insecurity have taken their toll on my psyche.  Things aren't the only thing that are hard to let go.  I hold onto hurt and anger much longer than I should.  I've lost friendships because I couldn't get past my hurt feelings.

 

I don't know how to heal the damage done or take away the fear of being without but I am trying with baby steps to make a better life for not only myself but my kids.  The email clean out, while just a small step, is a step nonetheless.

 

I have high hopes for 2014.  It's time to take some positive action before it's too late.  It's time to discover what is possible instead of feeling like everything is impossible.  It's time to live instead of merely surviving.

 

Peace, my friends ☮





Moving on

I've been putting off posting an update just because I've been so emotionally overloaded on top of being so so busy with work and the holidays but here it is.

If you've been following along, you know that T's sentencing was the day before Thanksgiving.  The stress of waiting for that day was so bad for both of us but fortunately we were able to lean on each other as opposed to pushing each other away.

Anyway, that Tuesday night before we received an email from T's lawyer saying the judge had requested a meeting in the morning before the sentencing with the prosecutor and our lawyer.  He had no idea why the meeting was being called and needless to say this new development pushed our stress level to new heights.

Wednesday morning we received a call from the lawyer.  The judge had decided that he didn't have enough information to make a ruling and if he made a ruling that day he would refuse to reduce the charges to misdemeanors.  Instead, he wanted T to submit to court ordered drug tests and then come back in March.  If he stays clean, the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors from class D felonies.  This means no jail time and the possibility of him returning to his job.  This is huge.

Needless to say, we are over the moon about the judge's decision.  Things are still rough financially but we now have real hope for the future.  I'm not worried about what I will say to my daughter if daddy goes to jail.  I am so grateful for this new development and it has certainly made our holidays brighter.

That said, I do have to also say this:

We asked the judge from day one to put T in drug court.  He went immediately to treatment and has complied with all the rules of the treatment program.  He is still in the Aftercare.  He has random drug tests through his program and has for months.  He goes to 12 step meetings.  When we went in front of the judge 2 months ago asking for a continuance so that T could finish his program we were told no and that the judge wanted to be done before the end of the year.

And here's the kicker:  Now he has to continue the drug tests but he has to pay for them each time.  The tests through his Aftercare are covered by insurance.  The ones though the court are not.  We've already put out $30 in the last 3 days and have no idea how often he will be called to test.

Here's what I want to know...how is this rehabilitative?  Here is a guy who is actually trying to change and get better, a guy who is suffering from the disease of addiction, and instead of a helping hand he is getting kicked when he is down.  On top of that, he isn't the only one being punished.  That money is coming out of our family income so we are being punished too.  I'm grateful that we have the support and income to be able to pay for it but I shudder to think about the people who are trying to get better and have no resources.  No wonder people find it so difficult to stay in recovery.

Now before you say it, I will.  Yes, he committed a crime and he needs to suffer the consequences.  I know this.  But at what point does the punishment outweigh the crime?  When a person is truly remorseful and working hard to rehabilitate his or herself where do we draw the line?  What message are we sending when we say "yes we see that you are working towards recovery but we are still going to beat you down some more".

Those of you that truly know me know that I believed in the justice system.  I am now seeing it in a whole new light.  I'm really happy that it seems that justice is finally being served here but it wasn't up until that time.  I felt so helpless and angry about how T was being treated.  It seemed that no matter what he did, no one could see the truth in front of their eyes.  It was all about the media and making an example of him and that is wrong.  How many other people has this happened to?  People who didn't have as much support as we did?

That is my awkward segway into the rest of my update ^.

I've put travel nursing on hold for now.  I need something to be stable around here!  There are some days where I am not sure I'll be able to handle the stress of all the upheaval at work but for the most part I still love my job, co-workers, and patients.  I have joined some committees and am working on some projects.  I'm also going to be working part time at a pediatric respite house and I'm looking forward to that.

I had to cancel my trip to Disneyworld for the Princess Half Marathon.  There was just no way we were going to be able to afford it.  I was able to get a refund on the resort and can defer the race entries so here's to Disney in 2015!

We still have those tickets to Hawaii.  Since it looks like we won't be able to move for awhile, I decided that I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday.  As soon as the holidays are past we will start saving for it.  We need a vacation in a bad way.  We need some time as a family with no worries.

Best of all:  I will have all my kids around the tree on Christmas morning.  The boys are both coming home and M is taking a week off to come home.  S has to work that afternoon so we decided on doing a Christmas breakfast like last year.  I can't wait :)

If you've made it this far:

Now I'm off to finish some jewelry orders and make some Christmas cookies!

Peace! ☮

5 days

I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me.  I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change.  I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.

While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared.  I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me.  Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together.  We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting.  It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.

It makes me so sad.  It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.

It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy.  I know without a doubt that I am loved.  Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it.  I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid.  I will always be grateful for that.

In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now.  After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be.  Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.

Things don't look so bad right now.  Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long.  I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income.  I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens.  Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure.  I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good.  I'm excited about what is to come.

Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now.  It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.

And what of Hawaii, you ask?  Well, Hawaii will always be there.  We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year.  Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there.  I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.

For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing.  I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life.  Only time will tell...

Until next time, kind people.  Peace!  ☮