On being a grandma

I became a grandma again today for the third time.  As I look at the pictures my son has sent me I am so full of love for this little person that my heart feels like it will explode.  It is not something I ever expected back in the years before I had grandchildren, when my own children were little.

Don't get me wrong...I knew I'd love them when I got them.  I just had no idea on the intensity of feeling that would overwhelm me when I look at the children of my children.  I always thought I could never love anyone as much as I love my kids but I was wrong.  When I look at the grandchildren I have been blessed with, I realize that my children have given me such a beautiful and unexpected gift. 

I see my children in my grandchildren...along with bits and pieces of me, their dad, my parents, his parents...and so on...

I see the past in my grandchildren but, more importantly, I see the future.  As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how my children have grown right along with them.  Is there any greater blessing?

In this haze of grandmotherly pride there is a little part of me that realizes no one is perfect but that part is silenced when I look into the faces of my grandchildren and think...

THIS is perfection. 

Parenting grown kids - another perspective

I am in a weird position of being the parent of a pre-schooler and also the parent of grown kids.  I have a lot of friends who are younger and at a more traditional age to have a 4 year old.  Sometimes I find it hard to hear my friends vent about their parents and in-laws because I don't ever want my grown kids to feel like my friends sometimes do. I never had to worry about offending my parents because they honestly don't care and make little effort so I've had to stumble along and figure things out for myself. I think that I have often fallen and disappointed my kids in my reactions to their decisions and that makes me sad. Being divorced from their father has made it a million times harder as we've had to divide holidays for 10+ years now. I admit it... I am jealous of the time he gets with them.

I strive to be like my mother-in-law. She takes everything in stride. If we can't make it on a holiday or special day she never says anything to us. She may vent to father-in-law but we are never aware of that. I really hope we have never hurt her by being absent. But we do have our own lives, as all of my friends do.

I try really hard to let my grown kids have their own lives...to not interfere. It's just so hard sometimes! For instance, I just found out that my youngest son will be going to his dad's for Christmas this year when I thought he was coming to our house. It upset me. Yes, I know it's irrational...his dad has every right to see him on a holiday...but I was upset nonetheless. I tried not to let him know but it was obvious by his explanation that he knew I wouldn't be happy. He told me that it was his dad's "turn" (as per the old divorce agreement) and that he continues to do it that way even though he is almost 20 in order to keep it fair and not upset anyone.

Then there is my daughter-in-law. She hates me. Doesn't talk to me. And neither does my oldest son. Haven't heard from him in months and he changed his phone number without giving me his new one. I really don't know what I did wrong there. Yes, I did tell them I was upset for their elopement and the fact that they lied to my face. And when my grandson's mom tells me my son is behind on child support, yes I have called to ask about it. My grandson comes first in those times. But I tried to be welcoming at Christmas and supportive of her when my son was an ass. I'm sure that if she is on any message boards, I am the mother-in-law from hell, though. And it hurts.

I guess what I'm saying is it is so hard to let go. In my head, I know I should be happy for all of them and the fact that for the most part they are successful and happy. In my heart, I miss them so very much. I work very hard to not let those feelings get in the way of our relationship but I know that sometimes it seeps through and it makes them upset/mad/frustrated.

I don't want to have them all to myself to be controlling but simply because I love them all so much. I worry all the time and would love to be able to save them from any hurt, hardship, or disappointments but I know I can't do that and I have to have faith that I have raised them well and that they will be just fine.

The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.