Letting Go and Moving On

Today was a hard day.  I watched my husband, a man I have an incredible amount of respect for, stand humbly before a judge and in front of a room full of people and admit his guilt.  My heart hurt for him as I watched him stand there with his shoulders squared and answered all the questions put to him.  I wanted to take away his pain but I knew that he needed to do this, not only because it was the right thing to do but because he needed it for him to move on with life.

Today was hard but I also love and respect him even more now than I did before.  What was healing for him was also healing for me and today a little bit of my anger and hurt was also let go.

Our next step is sentencing.  It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.  Our lawyer says that's a good thing but I wonder how thankful I'll be if he is indeed used as an example.  I can't worry about that now, though, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time.

In other news, I am one step closer to my Michigan license.  All that the state needs is my Hawaii license verification.  With any luck, I'll be up in Ann Arbor by the first week in November and we will be one step closer to a more normal life.  I am still so scared about such a big change but I know it is for the better and in the end will be the best thing for us all.

So the theme of today is letting go.  Letting go of negative feelings and letting go of things out of my control.

Peace ☮

Parenting grown kids - another perspective

I am in a weird position of being the parent of a pre-schooler and also the parent of grown kids.  I have a lot of friends who are younger and at a more traditional age to have a 4 year old.  Sometimes I find it hard to hear my friends vent about their parents and in-laws because I don't ever want my grown kids to feel like my friends sometimes do. I never had to worry about offending my parents because they honestly don't care and make little effort so I've had to stumble along and figure things out for myself. I think that I have often fallen and disappointed my kids in my reactions to their decisions and that makes me sad. Being divorced from their father has made it a million times harder as we've had to divide holidays for 10+ years now. I admit it... I am jealous of the time he gets with them.

I strive to be like my mother-in-law. She takes everything in stride. If we can't make it on a holiday or special day she never says anything to us. She may vent to father-in-law but we are never aware of that. I really hope we have never hurt her by being absent. But we do have our own lives, as all of my friends do.

I try really hard to let my grown kids have their own lives...to not interfere. It's just so hard sometimes! For instance, I just found out that my youngest son will be going to his dad's for Christmas this year when I thought he was coming to our house. It upset me. Yes, I know it's irrational...his dad has every right to see him on a holiday...but I was upset nonetheless. I tried not to let him know but it was obvious by his explanation that he knew I wouldn't be happy. He told me that it was his dad's "turn" (as per the old divorce agreement) and that he continues to do it that way even though he is almost 20 in order to keep it fair and not upset anyone.

Then there is my daughter-in-law. She hates me. Doesn't talk to me. And neither does my oldest son. Haven't heard from him in months and he changed his phone number without giving me his new one. I really don't know what I did wrong there. Yes, I did tell them I was upset for their elopement and the fact that they lied to my face. And when my grandson's mom tells me my son is behind on child support, yes I have called to ask about it. My grandson comes first in those times. But I tried to be welcoming at Christmas and supportive of her when my son was an ass. I'm sure that if she is on any message boards, I am the mother-in-law from hell, though. And it hurts.

I guess what I'm saying is it is so hard to let go. In my head, I know I should be happy for all of them and the fact that for the most part they are successful and happy. In my heart, I miss them so very much. I work very hard to not let those feelings get in the way of our relationship but I know that sometimes it seeps through and it makes them upset/mad/frustrated.

I don't want to have them all to myself to be controlling but simply because I love them all so much. I worry all the time and would love to be able to save them from any hurt, hardship, or disappointments but I know I can't do that and I have to have faith that I have raised them well and that they will be just fine.

Yes, It's Been Awhile

I make no excuses...life just sometimes gets away from me.  I hope my 2 followers will forgive me :)

The planning and packing for the move is steadily moving forward.  I have officially put in notice at work (my last day is April 25th) and I've been gathering all the information needed to start as a travel nurse in Hawaii.  To say I am not a bit nervous would be a lie...I'm bordering on terrified some days.  I want this to work and to make this move not only fun and adventurous but also successful.  I keep telling myself that I'd rather do it and fail then to regret not doing it but it is still so scary to pick up and go so far away, into a fairly uncertain future.  It has definately kicked up my anxiety a notch!

So, let's see...where exactly are we in the process?  Well, as I said, I've turned in notice and am registered with a nurse travel agency.  Half the hotel reservations for our epic cross country adventure are made.  I'm on the verge of reserving a Hawaiian condo (waiting on a return email).  The movers have been booked.  And I've started packing.

I've discovered something while packing.  Something my family has probably known for years.  I am a mini-hoarder.  I have a lot of trouble letting go of things because I attach meaning to them.  Sometimes it's very personal, like the things I have of Joey's.  My love for him is so attached to his things that I have found it literally impossible to let any of his things go.  Other things are more tied to my past and are a bit more complicated to explain.

I was going through the stuff in the dining room today.  Stuff like large bowls, bakeware, serving dishes...stuff you rarely use but when you do, you don't want to have to go out and buy it.  I found myself feeling irrationally angry that I really should just leave this stuff behind and get stuff there as I need it.  It's silly really since I generally only use that stuff on holidays and, since we will be so far away, it is doubtful I'll need all the large stuff for just the three of us.

As I'm typing this, I'm having a little "aha!" moment.  Maybe that's the whole point.  It will only be the three of us and rarely will the other kids be with us and probably never all at the same time.  Letting go of my huge salad bowl has somehow tied itself to letting go of my children, something I really don't want to do.

I didn't set out to have an epiphany while writing this...it just sort of happened, didn't it?  I have an awful lot to process now...

The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.

Life Goes On

I love Christmas, I really do.  It seems like a magical time of year to me.  People seem kinder, they smile more, hold doors open, say "excuse me".  Yes, I know there are those who are scroogie (yes, it's a word if I say it's a word) but I think you'll agree that for the most part people are generally moved by the Christmas spirit this time of year.

This Christmas has seemed especially hard for a lot of people.  There have been a lot of deaths, from the 27 victims in CT to the 2 firefighters in NY.  On Christmas day, I started my day responding to a full arrest of a 7 day old baby boy.  As I held 2 of his 4 siblings in my arms and listened to them sob and ask "why?" while their parents cried uncontrollably I knew that Christmas would never be magical to them again.  Instead it would be a time of loss and hurt.

I went home last night and held Princess B for a long time.  She seemed to sense that I needed this and snuggled up close and let me hold her instead of wiggling away to the next activity.  After a few minutes she looked up at me, put her hands on my cheeks and said "I love you Mommy". 

As I said, I love Christmas.  I am, however, really glad it's over now.  I'm excited about getting my house back and moving on with our plans and now that Christmas is over...let the packing begin!

We are now in the sorting phase.  What to keep, what to store, and what to give up.  It doesn't seem like it would be that hard, does it?  Well, let me tell you, it is.  I know the rule is supposed to be if you haven't used it in a year get rid of it, right?  It is just not that cut and dried.  To me, my stuff is a tangible part of my memories.  I think that as a result of not feeling loved for a lot of my growing up years I have instead attached meaning to stuff.  A lot of stuff, unfortunately.  I'm like a baby hoarder who could grow up to be a full-fledged hoarder if I am not careful.  I just don't know how to throw away my dead son's clothes or all my children's baby blankets...the blankets I wrapped them in when they got up to eat in the middle of the night.  Or the artwork they made at school.  I'm just as bad with stuff that chronicles my relationship with my husband.  Ticket stubs, dried flowers, t-shirts, stuffed animals...you get the idea.  It's not like I don't have a daily reminder of how awesome he is but I still can't seem to let go.

I'm working very hard to overcome this issue.  I don't want to start our new chapter in life feeling cluttered or messy.  Down-sizing is the word of the day.

I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this.  I have a lot of words that I haven't had time to get out lately.  Now that we are moving forward, I'm hoping that I will be able to be more consistent here.

The plan for today:  Take down the tree, get out to the gym, play with my kid. 

Go hug someone.  Peace!

An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!