An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!

A reminder of myself

A friend of mine reminded me tonight who I really am and what I can do when I put my mind to it.  I've been so overwhelmed with stuff happening "to" me that I'd forgotten that I really do have control... over how I react to the world and the stuff that sometimes just seems to bury me.  Sometimes someone will say something at just the right time and a light bulb will go on.

See these medals?

I earned those.  With a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.  Literally.  It seems like a lifetime ago but it was really over the last 2 years, the last one being in May.  I may be sidelined now with my injury but I WILL get back to my old self again.

See the sign on the shelf?  My daughter was just under 2 when my husband made that sign to cheer me on at the Disneyland Half Marathon last year.  Now, when I run on my Dreadmill she stands next to me shouting "go mommy, go mommy!".  My Princess B believes in me and who am I to let her down?

So, thank you Dawn, for reminding me of what I have inside of me.  I know you didn't intend that with your simple questions but that's what you accomplished.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3

Peace.

A New Beginning

I've tried blogging before and have never been able to keep up with it.  What's different now?  Now I feel as if I have a bunch of words inside with no place to put them so I will try this blogging thing again.  Please be patient with me as I figure out how all this works... it seems to have gotten a bit fancier since the last time I tried this!

So,  I'm betting you are wondering what I will blog about.  Your guess is as good as mine!  Basically, whatever is on my mind at that moment in time that has to do with being a wife, a mom of 5 kids ages 2 to 23 who is a full time RN and student and trying to lose weight, eat healthy, and improve my half marathon time.  Hopefully, every so often I'll write something that is worth reading =)