Yes, It's Been Awhile

I make no excuses...life just sometimes gets away from me.  I hope my 2 followers will forgive me :)

The planning and packing for the move is steadily moving forward.  I have officially put in notice at work (my last day is April 25th) and I've been gathering all the information needed to start as a travel nurse in Hawaii.  To say I am not a bit nervous would be a lie...I'm bordering on terrified some days.  I want this to work and to make this move not only fun and adventurous but also successful.  I keep telling myself that I'd rather do it and fail then to regret not doing it but it is still so scary to pick up and go so far away, into a fairly uncertain future.  It has definately kicked up my anxiety a notch!

So, let's see...where exactly are we in the process?  Well, as I said, I've turned in notice and am registered with a nurse travel agency.  Half the hotel reservations for our epic cross country adventure are made.  I'm on the verge of reserving a Hawaiian condo (waiting on a return email).  The movers have been booked.  And I've started packing.

I've discovered something while packing.  Something my family has probably known for years.  I am a mini-hoarder.  I have a lot of trouble letting go of things because I attach meaning to them.  Sometimes it's very personal, like the things I have of Joey's.  My love for him is so attached to his things that I have found it literally impossible to let any of his things go.  Other things are more tied to my past and are a bit more complicated to explain.

I was going through the stuff in the dining room today.  Stuff like large bowls, bakeware, serving dishes...stuff you rarely use but when you do, you don't want to have to go out and buy it.  I found myself feeling irrationally angry that I really should just leave this stuff behind and get stuff there as I need it.  It's silly really since I generally only use that stuff on holidays and, since we will be so far away, it is doubtful I'll need all the large stuff for just the three of us.

As I'm typing this, I'm having a little "aha!" moment.  Maybe that's the whole point.  It will only be the three of us and rarely will the other kids be with us and probably never all at the same time.  Letting go of my huge salad bowl has somehow tied itself to letting go of my children, something I really don't want to do.

I didn't set out to have an epiphany while writing this...it just sort of happened, didn't it?  I have an awful lot to process now...

It's Really Happening

All of a sudden, things seem to be moving fast and yesterday was a really big day for us.

We made our first two hotel reservations for our zig-zaggy trip across the country!  I'm both excited and terrified.  On the one hand, I just want to get this show on the road but on the other hand it is moving too fast and I feel like I have too much to do in too little time.  I look around at our very full house and wonder how I'm going to get rid of all the stuff we aren't taking.

Let the purging begin!

The other thing stressing me out is that I am having breakfast with my medical director today to tell her I am leaving.  This doc is more than my director...she was Joey's doctor and she is my friend.  Her opinion means the world to me and I know she is not going to be happy we are leaving.  Once I tell her then I can put in my notice.  Another scary thing!

On a side note, another big thing happened yesterday... well big to me, anyway.  I got fitted for my new running shoes and am officially back on the road.  Today I have a run planned... not sure how far but I'm excited at the prospect of getting outside and tuning out for awhile.  I need my stress relief more than ever.

Time to get ready to go.  Wish me luck, blogger land (specifically my 2 followers Megan and Kate!).

Peace.

An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!

A post about nothing

In the 11 days since my last post I have been busy, emotional, lazy, overwhelmed, uninspired, and just plain tired...not necessarily in that order.  As a result, this post will be as aimless as I've felt lately.

With the above disclaimer, I present my week and a half in pictures...

Princess B got her first big girl bed...

...and a black eye when she fell out of bed the first night in it =(

I got flowers, just because I'd had a hard weekend.

We did some artwork (that handsome guy is my grandson, L)

I did A LOT of homework (blech!)

 Colored my hair (it looks better now than it did at first)...

 Bought myself a Starbuck's gift card for my birthday...

Did a mountain of laundry (that I plan to fold tonight...I promise)...

In that 11 days I had:
1 garage sale
1 bottle of wine
1 transport to E. Chicago
2 patients in 5 work days
60+ hours of work
7 loads of laundry
14 cups of coffee
3 trips to the gym
3 miles of running (pathetic =( )
ENTIRELY TOO MUCH STRESS!

I will now take this moment to breathe and think of this:

oh yeah... I also talked to a couple of recruiters today and am feeling a lot more secure in my decision to move...so I guess things aren't all THAT bad...

My new mantra:  "just a few more months"