Well, then.

Well, hello.  It's been awhile, hasn't it?  I'm dusting off this blog without having read the old posts; it was a rough time and now I'd like to focus on the now.  And, dare I say, the future.

In case you are wondering, things did not turn out the way I would have made them turn out if I'd had any say.  But now I can honestly say that the way things turned out was exactly how they were supposed to.

I will probably elaborate in a future post but right now I really don't want to get into specifics...mainly because I feel pretty good about where we are today and where we are headed.  Those of you who know me know that it was a rough year and a half.  It's over now, though, and time to move on to better and brighter things.

So let me tell you how this story begins...

A few months ago I was bored and surfing the net.  I wasn't specifically looking for anything but, as I always do, I checked out jobs in Hawaii.  It had become a way to fantasize about what could have been and what never would be after all was said and done.  

It wasn't that I was really unhappy...I loved my job and the people I worked with.  I was happier than I'd ever been in my marriage, though I wished T didn't have to work nights.  Things were good, aside from being perpetually tired from picking up extra shifts.

Anyway, as I looked at the available jobs at the hospital in Hawaii that I'd tried to get into for 6 years I saw that there were 2 that I was qualified for:  a staff nurse in PICU and a transport nurse position.  I stared at those 2 job postings and thought:  What the Hell.

And I applied.

I thought no more about it after that.  I knew they would never contact me.  After all, I'd applied and applied, taken all sorts of tests, even spoken to HR and unit directors...all to no avail.

2 weeks later I received an email telling me that I was required to take some pre-interview tests.  I laughed to myself; I'd already taken every test in the system and passed them with flying colors.  T wanted me to call them but I just kept putting it off.  I knew that it would be just like all the other times.

After a few weeks of T pestering me about it and getting increasingly annoyed with me, I called.  Mainly to get him off my back about it.  Being constantly rejected by them really did a number on my ego.  When I called I was told that I didn't need to take any tests since I'd taken them and they would forward my application on to the appropriate department heads.

Right.

I then promptly forgot about it.

After all, I had a vacation to plan and a thousand other things that needed my attention.

Until last week.

As I watched TV and played Facebook after a long day at work, the phone rang.  I glanced down, expecting to ignore it, to be honest.  But caller ID said "Hawaii, US".  It really didn't occur to me that it would be the Hospital.  I thought it was the hotel we had booked for our vacation next month so I answered it.

And there I was being asked if I was still interested in a job I'd applied for months ago.  A job I'd coveted for years.

After a 45 minute phone call I was ecstatic.  I really thought it had gone well.  Really well.  The hope that suddenly blossomed in my heart scared me to death.  I was afraid to get my hopes up.

After 6 long days I couldn't stand it anymore and I called the director who had interviewed me.  Of course I got voice mail.  She did call me back but I had already had to gone to bed.  A 6 hour time difference really makes it hard to communicate sometimes!  We agreed that I'd call back the next day after work.

So I called.  And got voice mail.  Story of my life, right?

But then something happened.

Human resources called and officially offered me a position in the PICU.  My dream job in a dream place.

So this morning I accepted.  And now the adventure begins.

Moving on

I've been putting off posting an update just because I've been so emotionally overloaded on top of being so so busy with work and the holidays but here it is.

If you've been following along, you know that T's sentencing was the day before Thanksgiving.  The stress of waiting for that day was so bad for both of us but fortunately we were able to lean on each other as opposed to pushing each other away.

Anyway, that Tuesday night before we received an email from T's lawyer saying the judge had requested a meeting in the morning before the sentencing with the prosecutor and our lawyer.  He had no idea why the meeting was being called and needless to say this new development pushed our stress level to new heights.

Wednesday morning we received a call from the lawyer.  The judge had decided that he didn't have enough information to make a ruling and if he made a ruling that day he would refuse to reduce the charges to misdemeanors.  Instead, he wanted T to submit to court ordered drug tests and then come back in March.  If he stays clean, the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors from class D felonies.  This means no jail time and the possibility of him returning to his job.  This is huge.

Needless to say, we are over the moon about the judge's decision.  Things are still rough financially but we now have real hope for the future.  I'm not worried about what I will say to my daughter if daddy goes to jail.  I am so grateful for this new development and it has certainly made our holidays brighter.

That said, I do have to also say this:

We asked the judge from day one to put T in drug court.  He went immediately to treatment and has complied with all the rules of the treatment program.  He is still in the Aftercare.  He has random drug tests through his program and has for months.  He goes to 12 step meetings.  When we went in front of the judge 2 months ago asking for a continuance so that T could finish his program we were told no and that the judge wanted to be done before the end of the year.

And here's the kicker:  Now he has to continue the drug tests but he has to pay for them each time.  The tests through his Aftercare are covered by insurance.  The ones though the court are not.  We've already put out $30 in the last 3 days and have no idea how often he will be called to test.

Here's what I want to know...how is this rehabilitative?  Here is a guy who is actually trying to change and get better, a guy who is suffering from the disease of addiction, and instead of a helping hand he is getting kicked when he is down.  On top of that, he isn't the only one being punished.  That money is coming out of our family income so we are being punished too.  I'm grateful that we have the support and income to be able to pay for it but I shudder to think about the people who are trying to get better and have no resources.  No wonder people find it so difficult to stay in recovery.

Now before you say it, I will.  Yes, he committed a crime and he needs to suffer the consequences.  I know this.  But at what point does the punishment outweigh the crime?  When a person is truly remorseful and working hard to rehabilitate his or herself where do we draw the line?  What message are we sending when we say "yes we see that you are working towards recovery but we are still going to beat you down some more".

Those of you that truly know me know that I believed in the justice system.  I am now seeing it in a whole new light.  I'm really happy that it seems that justice is finally being served here but it wasn't up until that time.  I felt so helpless and angry about how T was being treated.  It seemed that no matter what he did, no one could see the truth in front of their eyes.  It was all about the media and making an example of him and that is wrong.  How many other people has this happened to?  People who didn't have as much support as we did?

That is my awkward segway into the rest of my update ^.

I've put travel nursing on hold for now.  I need something to be stable around here!  There are some days where I am not sure I'll be able to handle the stress of all the upheaval at work but for the most part I still love my job, co-workers, and patients.  I have joined some committees and am working on some projects.  I'm also going to be working part time at a pediatric respite house and I'm looking forward to that.

I had to cancel my trip to Disneyworld for the Princess Half Marathon.  There was just no way we were going to be able to afford it.  I was able to get a refund on the resort and can defer the race entries so here's to Disney in 2015!

We still have those tickets to Hawaii.  Since it looks like we won't be able to move for awhile, I decided that I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday.  As soon as the holidays are past we will start saving for it.  We need a vacation in a bad way.  We need some time as a family with no worries.

Best of all:  I will have all my kids around the tree on Christmas morning.  The boys are both coming home and M is taking a week off to come home.  S has to work that afternoon so we decided on doing a Christmas breakfast like last year.  I can't wait :)

If you've made it this far:

Now I'm off to finish some jewelry orders and make some Christmas cookies!

Peace! ☮

5 days

I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me.  I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change.  I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.

While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared.  I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me.  Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together.  We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting.  It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.

It makes me so sad.  It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.

It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy.  I know without a doubt that I am loved.  Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it.  I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid.  I will always be grateful for that.

In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now.  After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be.  Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.

Things don't look so bad right now.  Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long.  I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income.  I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens.  Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure.  I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good.  I'm excited about what is to come.

Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now.  It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.

And what of Hawaii, you ask?  Well, Hawaii will always be there.  We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year.  Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there.  I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.

For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing.  I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life.  Only time will tell...

Until next time, kind people.  Peace!  ☮

Choosing a Path

I keep thinking I should write a new blog post but stuff keeps changing so fast that whatever I would have written would have been outdated by the next day. 

Things are not going very well right now for me and I am frustrated.  I have a lot of options but I am so unsure which way to go.  I've had many people tell me to stop pushing in this direction or that direction but I can't seem to reconcile it in my head.  I mean, I could just sit here but I don't see how that would change anything.  And, yes, I do believe in God and know that he will provide but I also believe that I have to do the work in order to get to where I need to be.  How do I know when I am pushing to hard for something I want as opposed to what I need?

As I sit here in this moment, there are several options (or paths, if you will) that I could take in order to help make things better for my family.  The problem is knowing which one to really focus on.  I can't get really specific here, but in general I am referring to which direction I should be taking my career in order to a) better provide for my family and b) have less stress about work.

This is about how many options I have right now:

And while I am extremely grateful that I have so very many options, I have no idea which way to turn and that in itself is frustrating and stressful.  I have spoken to trusted friends, my husband, and God.  No one has given me any concrete answers.  I do know that if I sit and do nothing I will not like where the current path is leading.  I know this is all vague but I think you can still get the gist of what I am saying.

So, for today:  I have done all I can do.  Today is for me.  I will run.  I will play.  I will try not to focus on all the negative things that have been happening lately and will instead focus on what is good.  I really am a very lucky woman.  I need to stop letting the relatively unimportant things weigh me down.

Peace! ☮

Change is not my strong point

I debated whether to abandon this blog in light of all that has happened in the last 5 months.  I didn't know what to say here and I couldn't seem to form any coherent thoughts, let alone blog posts.  As the dust continues to settle, however, I came to the conclusion that to continue to put my thoughts down in writing could be healing for me.  I don't know how entertaining it will be but it will definitely be real. 

As the saying goes...Shit got real. 

So, with my head held high, I will try to make sense of some senseless things.

On April13th of this year, my life - my family's life - changed forever.  Nobody died, but they could have.  Nobody had an affair, but it felt like a betrayal.  And, while I know we will survive this, we will never be the same again.  I hope we will end up being better - better spouses, better parents, better friends, better everything - but there is no guarantee.  This is a very hard story for me to share but I hope that by sharing it, I will begin to heal and begin to move past the hurt and anger that still eats at me today.

My husband is an addict.  There, I said it.  As a result of this horrible disease, he did some terrible things in order to feed his addiction.  Things that I won't detail here but that completely changed our lives.  In a way, he destroyed our lives with his actions.  This doesn't mean we won't rebuild our marriage and our family but it does mean that everything is different now.

My first instinct when he told me was to put my arms around him and tell him I loved him and that it would be ok.  I believe that it will be.  At the time, I was in such shock that I was unable to fully realize the ramifications of it all.  I've since been told by his counselor at detox that I was weird for offering unconditional support like that.  The fact of the matter is that I love him and, even though he lied to me I don't know how many times, I will still stand by him.  I refuse to let the disease he has define what kind of person he is.

This does not mean I am not angry.  Oh, I'm angry.  So angry that at times I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm learning and growing myself now and I've come to the realization that I am as sick, if not sicker than he is.  That was a hard pill for me to swallow (pun intended).

So for now, we are still on the mainland.  He has criminal charges pending in regards to his disease.  Until 2 weeks ago, he wasn't working.  He is now working for a fraction of what he was making but at least he has a job and some people who believe in him aside from his family.

As for my job, I am a very lucky person.  I went to my boss and she was able to keep me on full time.  I am mostly able to take time off for court and other things related to this when I need to.  Work has been more supportive than I ever expected and I am extremely grateful.

The question I get asked the most (with the exception of how T. is doing) is whether we will still move.  My answer is always the same:  as soon as this is over and he's served whatever time he needs to, whether it's jail or probation, we will go.  I am still registered with the Nurse Travel Agency and I recently renewed this:

 

as a way to show that I believe we will still go.  When the time comes, we will go as a family who is there for each other, no matter what.  A husband and wife who can finally trust each other and be who they need to be.

Life goes on, thank God.  This could have ended so differently.  I shudder when I think about how I could have found out about his disease by being notified of his death.

There have been some positive things from all of this.  I get to spend more time with my family and friends here at home.  I can run races that I wanted to run but wasn't going to be able to because we were going to be gone.  I have found out who my real friends are and who I don't need to waste time on because they really don't care.  And the best part?  I have my husband back.  The loving man I married is here for me and our Princess B. again.  Has he changed?  Yep, he sure has but these changes are for the good.  In time, I truly believe that we will come out of this stronger.

So...while I generally hate change...how can one have an adventure without a little change in his or her life?

Let the adventure continue...

A post about nothing

In the 11 days since my last post I have been busy, emotional, lazy, overwhelmed, uninspired, and just plain tired...not necessarily in that order.  As a result, this post will be as aimless as I've felt lately.

With the above disclaimer, I present my week and a half in pictures...

Princess B got her first big girl bed...

...and a black eye when she fell out of bed the first night in it =(

I got flowers, just because I'd had a hard weekend.

We did some artwork (that handsome guy is my grandson, L)

I did A LOT of homework (blech!)

 Colored my hair (it looks better now than it did at first)...

 Bought myself a Starbuck's gift card for my birthday...

Did a mountain of laundry (that I plan to fold tonight...I promise)...

In that 11 days I had:
1 garage sale
1 bottle of wine
1 transport to E. Chicago
2 patients in 5 work days
60+ hours of work
7 loads of laundry
14 cups of coffee
3 trips to the gym
3 miles of running (pathetic =( )
ENTIRELY TOO MUCH STRESS!

I will now take this moment to breathe and think of this:

oh yeah... I also talked to a couple of recruiters today and am feeling a lot more secure in my decision to move...so I guess things aren't all THAT bad...

My new mantra:  "just a few more months"

No Puppies and Rainbows Today

I have hesitated in writing a new post lately.  In my line of work, one has to take the sad days with the good days and lately there have been a lot of sad days in the PICU.  Some days it just seems so difficult to do my job.  People come into my life at the worst time in their lives and it's my job to be not only their child's nurse but their source of hope, comfort, and strength.  And when there is no hope of giving a parent the answer they want to hear, it hurts to be the one who has to continue to repeat the same answers over and over again.  Then there are the times when even though a patient will eventually be ok, the family won't.  Multiple traumas, fires, car accidents...how do you explain to a parent why one child was taken and another wasn't?

I often share my losses with my patient's parents if I think it will give them some insight on what they are going through.  While I know every situation is different, there is a common bond between parents who have lost children.  It is the club no one wants to join but it often gives one strength to know that someone else has gone through it and survived.  My emotional investment in my patients and their families can take a big toll on me, though.

Today as I get ready to leave for work, I mentally put on my armor and pray for the right words to say to parents who have lost children, parents who stand by and watch their child hurt while powerless to do anything for them, and parents who may or may not have their hopes dashed.  I pray for the strength to hold these parents up when they are unable to hold themselves up.

Peace.