All the changes! - part 1

I alluded to a multitude of changes happening in my life in the last post so I thought I should be more specific.  It's hard to know where to start so I guess I'll just get right into it.

I can't remember if I've ever posted about my mother.  We had a complicated relationship, to say the least.  In the more recent years, I tended to focus on the negative.  So much so that I had very little contact with her.  I had spent many years feeling attacked and belittled that I had a hard time trusting when she said the right things.  I wish now that I had been quicker to share my life with her and to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she had hurt me in the past.

I'm not going to get into any gory details.  My relationship with my mother is probably similar to many other parental relationships.  As children, we are totally dependent on our parents, especially our mothers.  When they appear to fail in our eyes, a lot of us are very slow to forgive.  I wish I could say I wasn't like that but the truth is, after many years of feeling hurt, I chose to back away instead of forgiving and loving my mom for who she was instead of who I wish she was.

A few months ago, my sister called me.  She lived with my mom and I don't think she has ever called me in her entire adult life before then.  Some of that is my fault, I am older and I was so wrapped up in my own life and family that I didn't make any effort to maintain a relationship with the adult version of my little sister.  And some of it is my mom's fault for subtly putting a wedge in between us.  Whatever the cause, I had always regretted not having more of a sisterly relationship with my sister.

Anyway, she called.  She called because mom was sick and it was serious.  What had been thought to be a UTI was actually Stage IV liver cancer, most likely metastasized from her pancreas.  The doctor was initially saying she had 6 months to live.  I immediately planned a trip to the mainland so that Bella could meet her face to face (they had been emailing sporadically) before she got too sick. 

The last time I talked to my mom where she was coherent was a week before Mother's Day.  I chose to take something she said and get hurt feelings and offended.  When I called the following week on Mother's Day, she was on so many pain meds that she wasn't understandable on the phone.

Everything happened very fast.  My mom decided on no chemo and was admitted into hospice at home.  Two days later, my sister called and said the docs were now saying 4-6 WEEKS instead of months.  I was on a plane that night.

When I got to their house, my mom was still alive but she was heavily medicated and had very few lucid moments.  As I sat by her bedside, I could only think of how many regrets I had and how much time we had wasted.

I spent time with my sister, getting to know her as an adult and finding that I really liked her a lot.  She is such an intelligent and multi-faceted woman.  I am proud to be her sister.  We took turns sitting with mom, sitting quietly, and doing our own thing. 

The second day I was there, mom had a lucid moment.  She didn't speak but I told her I loved her and that I was sorry for my part in our troubled relationship.  She lifted her arms and when I asked if she wanted a hug, she nodded.  Her last words to me were "love you too".  She died that night.

I've struggled in the 3 months since then with my feelings about my mom.  I love her.  I've always loved her.  I have good memories along with the bad.  I remember being 8 years old and taking horseback riding lessons.  I remember singing along to "Delta Dawn" and "You're So Vain".  I remember mom making lemon eggy when I was sick.  She was an excellent cook and taught me so much.  I have her first cookbook and another cookbook where she wrote all her made up recipes.  I remember watching old movies and musicals on tv on a lazy Sunday.  I remember going to work with her as she worked overtime teaching herself programming so we could have a better life.

I miss my mom.  My feelings are just as complicated as our relationship was.  I wish we had longer.  I wish I had forgiven her sooner.  And I hope she knows now how much she meant to me.

Commitment

A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering.  I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru.  As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.

I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.

I am done allowing life to control me.  It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about.  Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings.  I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change.  Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.

Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!

J.

Some thoughts on being a mom

While this isn't my first rodeo, I've never claimed to be a mom expert.  Personally, I think we are all experts on our own children.

That said, I've noticed a disturbing trend in parenting lately.  This over-thinking of every little thing we do as parents.  Everyday in my Facebook feed I see articles on what we as parents are doing wrong.  Then there are the sactimommy articles that tell us how they are better moms than the rest of us because of (fill in parenting rule here).  Many times these articles imply that we suck as parents because we just don't care as much for our kids as the authors do.

Here's what I think after raising 4 fairly successful kids (2 in the Army, 1 catering manager, and 1 911 dispatcher):  Sometimes we just need to relax.  Now, those who know me know that I am the LEAST relaxed person on the face of the earth...or at least in the Midwest.  I get anxious about everything, second guess myself, and drive T nuts when I am trying to make an informed decision.  
The thing is, I am not that way when it comes to my parenting.  My kids watched too much tv (B still does).  I didn't enroll them in a ton of activities (who could afford it for so many kids?!).  I yelled, a lot, and made threats I couldn't follow through on:  "if you touch your sister again I will duct tape you to the wall".

I understand that this is a different world we're raising B in than it was when I raised my 4 older kids.  It's not as safe.  We know more about a lot of stuff.  We have safer carseats, better helmets, and we are generally better informed about everything.  I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing.  What I do think is that society and "experts" are making it harder to parent instead of easier.

I don't read parenting books.  I tried to and realized that all they did was make me feel like a failure.  I compared my life to that non-existent ideal world that is generally portrayed in that type of thing.  To be honest, I think those "experts" and books are what's messing up this up and coming generation.

Parenting is truly not that hard.  Love them.  Show them by your own behavior what it means to be a decent person.  Teach them the consequences of their actions, even if it means being the "bad guy".  And when it's time, let them go.

Some days B will watch too much tv because I am tired or need to get stuff done and that's ok.  She survives on grilled cheese sandwiches because that's all she will eat, and that's ok.  Sometimes she cries because I don't give her what she wants and that's ok, too.

In the end, I want all my kids to be strong, loving, tolerant, and hard-working adults.  I may not get there like you do but that doesn't mean we won't all (mostly) get there.  I just choose to enjoy my journey instead of feeling guilty about the choices I make. 

As parents, especially moms, we should be building each other up instead of tearing each other down.  One great thing about parenting today is the additional resource of the internet and the support and commiseration we can find there.  Instead of using it as a way to feel superior to other moms, how about we just use it as a way to be there for each other during one of the easiest hardest times of our lives.

5 days

I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me.  I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change.  I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.

While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared.  I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me.  Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together.  We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting.  It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.

It makes me so sad.  It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.

It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy.  I know without a doubt that I am loved.  Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it.  I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid.  I will always be grateful for that.

In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now.  After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be.  Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.

Things don't look so bad right now.  Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long.  I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income.  I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens.  Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure.  I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good.  I'm excited about what is to come.

Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now.  It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.

And what of Hawaii, you ask?  Well, Hawaii will always be there.  We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year.  Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there.  I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.

For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing.  I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life.  Only time will tell...

Until next time, kind people.  Peace!  ☮

Letting Go and Moving On

Today was a hard day.  I watched my husband, a man I have an incredible amount of respect for, stand humbly before a judge and in front of a room full of people and admit his guilt.  My heart hurt for him as I watched him stand there with his shoulders squared and answered all the questions put to him.  I wanted to take away his pain but I knew that he needed to do this, not only because it was the right thing to do but because he needed it for him to move on with life.

Today was hard but I also love and respect him even more now than I did before.  What was healing for him was also healing for me and today a little bit of my anger and hurt was also let go.

Our next step is sentencing.  It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.  Our lawyer says that's a good thing but I wonder how thankful I'll be if he is indeed used as an example.  I can't worry about that now, though, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time.

In other news, I am one step closer to my Michigan license.  All that the state needs is my Hawaii license verification.  With any luck, I'll be up in Ann Arbor by the first week in November and we will be one step closer to a more normal life.  I am still so scared about such a big change but I know it is for the better and in the end will be the best thing for us all.

So the theme of today is letting go.  Letting go of negative feelings and letting go of things out of my control.

Peace ☮

Here's to another year!

Another birthday has come and gone.  I think this is probably the first year that I didn't have the letdown that so often follows celebrations.  I didn't have to work this year so that was a plus but otherwise it was pretty low-key.  No money for gifts and I made my own cake but it was ok.  Does this mean that at 48 years old I have finally reached some measure of maturity?  Who knows.  I hope maturity doesn't mean I can't laugh at potty jokes anymore.

This year was so much better in so many ways, despite the fact that we really didn't do anything special.  The stuff we did do was special by its own merit.  I spent the first half of the day playing with B and just relaxing.  In the afternoon we went to a pre-school birthday party.  Then we came home and watched t.v. until WAY past our bedtime and ate chips and dip and the cake I made. 

This is the cake:

Nothing fancy but it sure tasted good!

Last year I got gifts (though I honestly don't remember what) but I felt so dissatisfied with the whole day.  My feelings were hurt by T's indifference and I felt alone.

This year, I feel loved and I will take loved over gifts any day.

I will admit to continuing to feel a small amount of anxiety...that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.  Baby steps here.

I'm hoping that this year will be a little more serene than last year was but we shall see.  A lot of change is coming for all of us, let's just pray it is all for the good.

Peace!  ☮

Reality and Decisions

It's funny how one can be in denial so strong that when reality finally hits it's like a Mack truck just ran through the living room.

By "funny", I mean ironic. 

By "one", I mean me.

Webster's defines denial as "a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality".

Yep, that pretty much sums up my thought processes until the last couple of weeks.

You see, I thought I had it all under control, this all was just a little blip in our lives, and we would just sail through and come out the other side...maybe a little battered and bruised, but generally o.k.  I wasn't denying that some pretty serious stuff had come down or that my husband didn't have an addiction to opiates.

Heck, no.

I did all the right things, took all the right steps:  bail, check; lawyer, check; detox, check; IOP, check; NA meetings, check...well, you get the idea. I was really in my element, making lists and doing damage control.  What I didn't take into account was the consequences of his actions and their effect on our family beyond delaying our move.

When I finally took a realistic look around instead of doing this:

 
I realized that our lives had sustained a blow that kind of looked like this:

Somewhere in my head I knew that when we lost T's income it would be quite difficult to make ends meet but I don't think it really hit home until he told me that he would have to borrow money from his family to make expenses.  He had chosen not to say anything specific about it until last week because he wanted to protect me from the mess our lives had become.

I felt a couple different ways about it at the time.  I was really and truly angry with him for not telling me all along how bad things were.  I was angry at myself for not realizing something so simple.  I was scared about what was going to happen to us.

We talked.  Mostly, I talked (shocker, right?).  But the difference this time was that I really could see that he was listening this time.  I told him I did not need protection, I'm a lot tougher than I looked.  I also told him that I felt like we were in this mess because of a lack of communication.  We are both to blame for that.  He has a warped sense of chivalry and I am content to keep my head in the sand a lot of the time.

The bottom line?  If we are going to come through this stronger, healthier, and together then we need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Yes, there will be tears, anger, and fear at times.  But there will also be love, faith, and trust.

I know the title of this post is "Reality and Decisions" and yes, I've had to make some hard decisions this past week in order to help my family.  I will be taking my act on the road and travel nursing.  I will be making a lot more money but it will mean being away for days at a time. 

I'm not happy about it and, frankly, I'm scared.  Change and meeting new people is certainly not my forte.  I am determined, however, to make this work and get us out of this hole.  I refuse to come out the other side broken.

Peace ☮

Change is not my strong point

I debated whether to abandon this blog in light of all that has happened in the last 5 months.  I didn't know what to say here and I couldn't seem to form any coherent thoughts, let alone blog posts.  As the dust continues to settle, however, I came to the conclusion that to continue to put my thoughts down in writing could be healing for me.  I don't know how entertaining it will be but it will definitely be real. 

As the saying goes...Shit got real. 

So, with my head held high, I will try to make sense of some senseless things.

On April13th of this year, my life - my family's life - changed forever.  Nobody died, but they could have.  Nobody had an affair, but it felt like a betrayal.  And, while I know we will survive this, we will never be the same again.  I hope we will end up being better - better spouses, better parents, better friends, better everything - but there is no guarantee.  This is a very hard story for me to share but I hope that by sharing it, I will begin to heal and begin to move past the hurt and anger that still eats at me today.

My husband is an addict.  There, I said it.  As a result of this horrible disease, he did some terrible things in order to feed his addiction.  Things that I won't detail here but that completely changed our lives.  In a way, he destroyed our lives with his actions.  This doesn't mean we won't rebuild our marriage and our family but it does mean that everything is different now.

My first instinct when he told me was to put my arms around him and tell him I loved him and that it would be ok.  I believe that it will be.  At the time, I was in such shock that I was unable to fully realize the ramifications of it all.  I've since been told by his counselor at detox that I was weird for offering unconditional support like that.  The fact of the matter is that I love him and, even though he lied to me I don't know how many times, I will still stand by him.  I refuse to let the disease he has define what kind of person he is.

This does not mean I am not angry.  Oh, I'm angry.  So angry that at times I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm learning and growing myself now and I've come to the realization that I am as sick, if not sicker than he is.  That was a hard pill for me to swallow (pun intended).

So for now, we are still on the mainland.  He has criminal charges pending in regards to his disease.  Until 2 weeks ago, he wasn't working.  He is now working for a fraction of what he was making but at least he has a job and some people who believe in him aside from his family.

As for my job, I am a very lucky person.  I went to my boss and she was able to keep me on full time.  I am mostly able to take time off for court and other things related to this when I need to.  Work has been more supportive than I ever expected and I am extremely grateful.

The question I get asked the most (with the exception of how T. is doing) is whether we will still move.  My answer is always the same:  as soon as this is over and he's served whatever time he needs to, whether it's jail or probation, we will go.  I am still registered with the Nurse Travel Agency and I recently renewed this:

 

as a way to show that I believe we will still go.  When the time comes, we will go as a family who is there for each other, no matter what.  A husband and wife who can finally trust each other and be who they need to be.

Life goes on, thank God.  This could have ended so differently.  I shudder when I think about how I could have found out about his disease by being notified of his death.

There have been some positive things from all of this.  I get to spend more time with my family and friends here at home.  I can run races that I wanted to run but wasn't going to be able to because we were going to be gone.  I have found out who my real friends are and who I don't need to waste time on because they really don't care.  And the best part?  I have my husband back.  The loving man I married is here for me and our Princess B. again.  Has he changed?  Yep, he sure has but these changes are for the good.  In time, I truly believe that we will come out of this stronger.

So...while I generally hate change...how can one have an adventure without a little change in his or her life?

Let the adventure continue...

Parenting grown kids - another perspective

I am in a weird position of being the parent of a pre-schooler and also the parent of grown kids.  I have a lot of friends who are younger and at a more traditional age to have a 4 year old.  Sometimes I find it hard to hear my friends vent about their parents and in-laws because I don't ever want my grown kids to feel like my friends sometimes do. I never had to worry about offending my parents because they honestly don't care and make little effort so I've had to stumble along and figure things out for myself. I think that I have often fallen and disappointed my kids in my reactions to their decisions and that makes me sad. Being divorced from their father has made it a million times harder as we've had to divide holidays for 10+ years now. I admit it... I am jealous of the time he gets with them.

I strive to be like my mother-in-law. She takes everything in stride. If we can't make it on a holiday or special day she never says anything to us. She may vent to father-in-law but we are never aware of that. I really hope we have never hurt her by being absent. But we do have our own lives, as all of my friends do.

I try really hard to let my grown kids have their own lives...to not interfere. It's just so hard sometimes! For instance, I just found out that my youngest son will be going to his dad's for Christmas this year when I thought he was coming to our house. It upset me. Yes, I know it's irrational...his dad has every right to see him on a holiday...but I was upset nonetheless. I tried not to let him know but it was obvious by his explanation that he knew I wouldn't be happy. He told me that it was his dad's "turn" (as per the old divorce agreement) and that he continues to do it that way even though he is almost 20 in order to keep it fair and not upset anyone.

Then there is my daughter-in-law. She hates me. Doesn't talk to me. And neither does my oldest son. Haven't heard from him in months and he changed his phone number without giving me his new one. I really don't know what I did wrong there. Yes, I did tell them I was upset for their elopement and the fact that they lied to my face. And when my grandson's mom tells me my son is behind on child support, yes I have called to ask about it. My grandson comes first in those times. But I tried to be welcoming at Christmas and supportive of her when my son was an ass. I'm sure that if she is on any message boards, I am the mother-in-law from hell, though. And it hurts.

I guess what I'm saying is it is so hard to let go. In my head, I know I should be happy for all of them and the fact that for the most part they are successful and happy. In my heart, I miss them so very much. I work very hard to not let those feelings get in the way of our relationship but I know that sometimes it seeps through and it makes them upset/mad/frustrated.

I don't want to have them all to myself to be controlling but simply because I love them all so much. I worry all the time and would love to be able to save them from any hurt, hardship, or disappointments but I know I can't do that and I have to have faith that I have raised them well and that they will be just fine.

Thoughtful today

It's amazing how many thoughts can run through one's head on the day of surgery.   Yes, today is the day and, quite frankly, I am scared.  I can tell myself all day that it's a simple surgery and that I have a good doctor but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.  

The problem with being a nurse is that you know too much.  You know what can go wrong, even under the best of circumstances.  My mind keeps circling around the fact that I'm not just scared, I am terrified.  I have so much still left to be done and I am scared that I will lose that today.

I will admit, I am anxious in even the best of times, worried when things are going well that somehow I will jinx it and it will all go to Hell in a hand basket (sidenote:  what the heck does that even mean?!  I must google it!).  I spend so much time worrying that I am not able to enjoy and be happy a lot of the time.  I'm working on that but it's so so hard to live in the moment and not worry about the what ifs when some of those what ifs have already happened in life.

Anyway, here is the message I would like to convey today:  Don't let your lives be ruled by the what ifs.  It is exhausting, to say the least.  Plan for the future, but enjoy the moment.  Let the people you love know it!  Be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Let go of the things that hurt or anger you.  In the end, you won't regret doing any of those things but you may regret it if you don't do them.

p.s.  Going to Hell in a handbasket:  to be rapidly deteriorating - on course for disaster.

full story here:  Going to Hell in a handbasket