Commitment

A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering.  I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru.  As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.

I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.

I am done allowing life to control me.  It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about.  Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings.  I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change.  Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.

Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!

J.

Choosing a Path

I keep thinking I should write a new blog post but stuff keeps changing so fast that whatever I would have written would have been outdated by the next day. 

Things are not going very well right now for me and I am frustrated.  I have a lot of options but I am so unsure which way to go.  I've had many people tell me to stop pushing in this direction or that direction but I can't seem to reconcile it in my head.  I mean, I could just sit here but I don't see how that would change anything.  And, yes, I do believe in God and know that he will provide but I also believe that I have to do the work in order to get to where I need to be.  How do I know when I am pushing to hard for something I want as opposed to what I need?

As I sit here in this moment, there are several options (or paths, if you will) that I could take in order to help make things better for my family.  The problem is knowing which one to really focus on.  I can't get really specific here, but in general I am referring to which direction I should be taking my career in order to a) better provide for my family and b) have less stress about work.

This is about how many options I have right now:

And while I am extremely grateful that I have so very many options, I have no idea which way to turn and that in itself is frustrating and stressful.  I have spoken to trusted friends, my husband, and God.  No one has given me any concrete answers.  I do know that if I sit and do nothing I will not like where the current path is leading.  I know this is all vague but I think you can still get the gist of what I am saying.

So, for today:  I have done all I can do.  Today is for me.  I will run.  I will play.  I will try not to focus on all the negative things that have been happening lately and will instead focus on what is good.  I really am a very lucky woman.  I need to stop letting the relatively unimportant things weigh me down.

Peace! ☮

Parenting grown kids - another perspective

I am in a weird position of being the parent of a pre-schooler and also the parent of grown kids.  I have a lot of friends who are younger and at a more traditional age to have a 4 year old.  Sometimes I find it hard to hear my friends vent about their parents and in-laws because I don't ever want my grown kids to feel like my friends sometimes do. I never had to worry about offending my parents because they honestly don't care and make little effort so I've had to stumble along and figure things out for myself. I think that I have often fallen and disappointed my kids in my reactions to their decisions and that makes me sad. Being divorced from their father has made it a million times harder as we've had to divide holidays for 10+ years now. I admit it... I am jealous of the time he gets with them.

I strive to be like my mother-in-law. She takes everything in stride. If we can't make it on a holiday or special day she never says anything to us. She may vent to father-in-law but we are never aware of that. I really hope we have never hurt her by being absent. But we do have our own lives, as all of my friends do.

I try really hard to let my grown kids have their own lives...to not interfere. It's just so hard sometimes! For instance, I just found out that my youngest son will be going to his dad's for Christmas this year when I thought he was coming to our house. It upset me. Yes, I know it's irrational...his dad has every right to see him on a holiday...but I was upset nonetheless. I tried not to let him know but it was obvious by his explanation that he knew I wouldn't be happy. He told me that it was his dad's "turn" (as per the old divorce agreement) and that he continues to do it that way even though he is almost 20 in order to keep it fair and not upset anyone.

Then there is my daughter-in-law. She hates me. Doesn't talk to me. And neither does my oldest son. Haven't heard from him in months and he changed his phone number without giving me his new one. I really don't know what I did wrong there. Yes, I did tell them I was upset for their elopement and the fact that they lied to my face. And when my grandson's mom tells me my son is behind on child support, yes I have called to ask about it. My grandson comes first in those times. But I tried to be welcoming at Christmas and supportive of her when my son was an ass. I'm sure that if she is on any message boards, I am the mother-in-law from hell, though. And it hurts.

I guess what I'm saying is it is so hard to let go. In my head, I know I should be happy for all of them and the fact that for the most part they are successful and happy. In my heart, I miss them so very much. I work very hard to not let those feelings get in the way of our relationship but I know that sometimes it seeps through and it makes them upset/mad/frustrated.

I don't want to have them all to myself to be controlling but simply because I love them all so much. I worry all the time and would love to be able to save them from any hurt, hardship, or disappointments but I know I can't do that and I have to have faith that I have raised them well and that they will be just fine.