Starting over is so hard!

I've been thinking a lot about regret and failure.  I try really hard to not regret decisions made in my past but some days I really feel it.  I compare my insides to other's outsides.  I wonder what I could have done differently to get what I perceive as what others have.

I decided this morning that I wanted to start from now and really work on me and my attitude.  I miss feeling happy and sometimes have no idea why I don't.  I sabotage myself; in so many ways!  It's time to lift myself up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and be the person I want to be.  It may be a bit of "fake it till you make it" at first but without starting, I will get nowhere.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this is coming from being inside my head too much since I spent the last 10 days sick.  No running, not really leaving the house, and plenty of time to find my life unsatisfactory compared to what others choose to show the world.  I've always tried to share both the good and the bad but I know that not everyone does that.  Instead of envy and jealousy, I need to foster self-love, gratitude, and genuine happiness for the people in my life.

So, here's to the second half of 2019!  So much is happening (new job, finishing grad school, new home) and there is so much to be thankful for.  Consider this my official "I'm back!" post.  I will try to keep my commitment to myself (and my 1 follower:  Aloha Kate!) and share on a regular basis my challenges, triumphs, and escapades. 

I want to live this life, not just survive it.

Now, go hug someone just because.  And hydrate.

peace.

Commitment

A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering.  I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru.  As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.

I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.

I am done allowing life to control me.  It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about.  Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings.  I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change.  Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.

Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!

J.

Change is not my strong point

I debated whether to abandon this blog in light of all that has happened in the last 5 months.  I didn't know what to say here and I couldn't seem to form any coherent thoughts, let alone blog posts.  As the dust continues to settle, however, I came to the conclusion that to continue to put my thoughts down in writing could be healing for me.  I don't know how entertaining it will be but it will definitely be real. 

As the saying goes...Shit got real. 

So, with my head held high, I will try to make sense of some senseless things.

On April13th of this year, my life - my family's life - changed forever.  Nobody died, but they could have.  Nobody had an affair, but it felt like a betrayal.  And, while I know we will survive this, we will never be the same again.  I hope we will end up being better - better spouses, better parents, better friends, better everything - but there is no guarantee.  This is a very hard story for me to share but I hope that by sharing it, I will begin to heal and begin to move past the hurt and anger that still eats at me today.

My husband is an addict.  There, I said it.  As a result of this horrible disease, he did some terrible things in order to feed his addiction.  Things that I won't detail here but that completely changed our lives.  In a way, he destroyed our lives with his actions.  This doesn't mean we won't rebuild our marriage and our family but it does mean that everything is different now.

My first instinct when he told me was to put my arms around him and tell him I loved him and that it would be ok.  I believe that it will be.  At the time, I was in such shock that I was unable to fully realize the ramifications of it all.  I've since been told by his counselor at detox that I was weird for offering unconditional support like that.  The fact of the matter is that I love him and, even though he lied to me I don't know how many times, I will still stand by him.  I refuse to let the disease he has define what kind of person he is.

This does not mean I am not angry.  Oh, I'm angry.  So angry that at times I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm learning and growing myself now and I've come to the realization that I am as sick, if not sicker than he is.  That was a hard pill for me to swallow (pun intended).

So for now, we are still on the mainland.  He has criminal charges pending in regards to his disease.  Until 2 weeks ago, he wasn't working.  He is now working for a fraction of what he was making but at least he has a job and some people who believe in him aside from his family.

As for my job, I am a very lucky person.  I went to my boss and she was able to keep me on full time.  I am mostly able to take time off for court and other things related to this when I need to.  Work has been more supportive than I ever expected and I am extremely grateful.

The question I get asked the most (with the exception of how T. is doing) is whether we will still move.  My answer is always the same:  as soon as this is over and he's served whatever time he needs to, whether it's jail or probation, we will go.  I am still registered with the Nurse Travel Agency and I recently renewed this:

 

as a way to show that I believe we will still go.  When the time comes, we will go as a family who is there for each other, no matter what.  A husband and wife who can finally trust each other and be who they need to be.

Life goes on, thank God.  This could have ended so differently.  I shudder when I think about how I could have found out about his disease by being notified of his death.

There have been some positive things from all of this.  I get to spend more time with my family and friends here at home.  I can run races that I wanted to run but wasn't going to be able to because we were going to be gone.  I have found out who my real friends are and who I don't need to waste time on because they really don't care.  And the best part?  I have my husband back.  The loving man I married is here for me and our Princess B. again.  Has he changed?  Yep, he sure has but these changes are for the good.  In time, I truly believe that we will come out of this stronger.

So...while I generally hate change...how can one have an adventure without a little change in his or her life?

Let the adventure continue...

Not a post for everyone

This isn't a weight loss blog but since it's a blog about me and my life it will definitely include some weight stuff.  Fair warning for this post...if you don't want to hear about weight or fitness, this is a post to skip.

I had a rude awakening yesterday when I casually hopped on the scale.  I hadn't really been paying attention to anything weight related for awhile...not since I broke my toe in June, actually.  I still went to the gym to work with the trainer but I couldn't run and I ate pretty much whatever I wanted.  This wouldn't have been an issue 10 years ago but at 47 years old things have sure changed.  In 4 months I've packed on 20+ pounds.  I'm uncomfortable, nothing fits right, my endurance is shot, and I just feel yucky.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  When I saw that number on the scale yesterday (my heaviest weight EVER) I just wanted to curl in a ball and cry.  I didn't even weigh this much when I was full term pregnant!

I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for about 5 minutes and then I went into action.  I joined Weight Watchers Online with the idea that paying for it would make me actually use it.  Today I saw my trainer and worked the hardest I've worked since my injury, including running a mile at race pace (sort of).  I huffed and puffed and poured sweat but I didn't complain once and I did what was asked of me.  Tomorrow I may not be able to lift my arms but moving is just over-rated right?

I tracked all my food today and went out and bought fruits and veggies for the next 2 days.  More than that and it will go bad so I'll just have to deal with shopping every couple days.

I've had so much water today that I slosh when I walk and have spent way too much time in the bathroom.

The thing is, I could continue to feel sorry for myself for this physical mess I am in, beating myself up and giving up saying I can't do it...but I can't do that.  It's not in me and now I feel challenged.  I WILL get to where I want to be.  I will be healthy and strong and beautiful.  I will make my family proud and I will be around when my youngest grows up.  I've faced many things in my life and I will not let extra weight be the death of me, literally or figuratively.

Oh, and for those who are wondering, I have 59 pounds to lose.  It is not a Biggest Loser amount but it seems like a lot to me when I am staring at the starting line.

I won't bore you in every post about this side of my journey...I know it can probably get old to people who don't understand how important this can be.  I've decided that since Mondays are my weigh in day, I'll save all my weight related updates for that day and have my regular post content the rest of the time (whatever the heck that is!).

Now go drink some water!

Peace