Moving on

I've been putting off posting an update just because I've been so emotionally overloaded on top of being so so busy with work and the holidays but here it is.

If you've been following along, you know that T's sentencing was the day before Thanksgiving.  The stress of waiting for that day was so bad for both of us but fortunately we were able to lean on each other as opposed to pushing each other away.

Anyway, that Tuesday night before we received an email from T's lawyer saying the judge had requested a meeting in the morning before the sentencing with the prosecutor and our lawyer.  He had no idea why the meeting was being called and needless to say this new development pushed our stress level to new heights.

Wednesday morning we received a call from the lawyer.  The judge had decided that he didn't have enough information to make a ruling and if he made a ruling that day he would refuse to reduce the charges to misdemeanors.  Instead, he wanted T to submit to court ordered drug tests and then come back in March.  If he stays clean, the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors from class D felonies.  This means no jail time and the possibility of him returning to his job.  This is huge.

Needless to say, we are over the moon about the judge's decision.  Things are still rough financially but we now have real hope for the future.  I'm not worried about what I will say to my daughter if daddy goes to jail.  I am so grateful for this new development and it has certainly made our holidays brighter.

That said, I do have to also say this:

We asked the judge from day one to put T in drug court.  He went immediately to treatment and has complied with all the rules of the treatment program.  He is still in the Aftercare.  He has random drug tests through his program and has for months.  He goes to 12 step meetings.  When we went in front of the judge 2 months ago asking for a continuance so that T could finish his program we were told no and that the judge wanted to be done before the end of the year.

And here's the kicker:  Now he has to continue the drug tests but he has to pay for them each time.  The tests through his Aftercare are covered by insurance.  The ones though the court are not.  We've already put out $30 in the last 3 days and have no idea how often he will be called to test.

Here's what I want to know...how is this rehabilitative?  Here is a guy who is actually trying to change and get better, a guy who is suffering from the disease of addiction, and instead of a helping hand he is getting kicked when he is down.  On top of that, he isn't the only one being punished.  That money is coming out of our family income so we are being punished too.  I'm grateful that we have the support and income to be able to pay for it but I shudder to think about the people who are trying to get better and have no resources.  No wonder people find it so difficult to stay in recovery.

Now before you say it, I will.  Yes, he committed a crime and he needs to suffer the consequences.  I know this.  But at what point does the punishment outweigh the crime?  When a person is truly remorseful and working hard to rehabilitate his or herself where do we draw the line?  What message are we sending when we say "yes we see that you are working towards recovery but we are still going to beat you down some more".

Those of you that truly know me know that I believed in the justice system.  I am now seeing it in a whole new light.  I'm really happy that it seems that justice is finally being served here but it wasn't up until that time.  I felt so helpless and angry about how T was being treated.  It seemed that no matter what he did, no one could see the truth in front of their eyes.  It was all about the media and making an example of him and that is wrong.  How many other people has this happened to?  People who didn't have as much support as we did?

That is my awkward segway into the rest of my update ^.

I've put travel nursing on hold for now.  I need something to be stable around here!  There are some days where I am not sure I'll be able to handle the stress of all the upheaval at work but for the most part I still love my job, co-workers, and patients.  I have joined some committees and am working on some projects.  I'm also going to be working part time at a pediatric respite house and I'm looking forward to that.

I had to cancel my trip to Disneyworld for the Princess Half Marathon.  There was just no way we were going to be able to afford it.  I was able to get a refund on the resort and can defer the race entries so here's to Disney in 2015!

We still have those tickets to Hawaii.  Since it looks like we won't be able to move for awhile, I decided that I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday.  As soon as the holidays are past we will start saving for it.  We need a vacation in a bad way.  We need some time as a family with no worries.

Best of all:  I will have all my kids around the tree on Christmas morning.  The boys are both coming home and M is taking a week off to come home.  S has to work that afternoon so we decided on doing a Christmas breakfast like last year.  I can't wait :)

If you've made it this far:

Now I'm off to finish some jewelry orders and make some Christmas cookies!

Peace! ☮

Life Goes On

I love Christmas, I really do.  It seems like a magical time of year to me.  People seem kinder, they smile more, hold doors open, say "excuse me".  Yes, I know there are those who are scroogie (yes, it's a word if I say it's a word) but I think you'll agree that for the most part people are generally moved by the Christmas spirit this time of year.

This Christmas has seemed especially hard for a lot of people.  There have been a lot of deaths, from the 27 victims in CT to the 2 firefighters in NY.  On Christmas day, I started my day responding to a full arrest of a 7 day old baby boy.  As I held 2 of his 4 siblings in my arms and listened to them sob and ask "why?" while their parents cried uncontrollably I knew that Christmas would never be magical to them again.  Instead it would be a time of loss and hurt.

I went home last night and held Princess B for a long time.  She seemed to sense that I needed this and snuggled up close and let me hold her instead of wiggling away to the next activity.  After a few minutes she looked up at me, put her hands on my cheeks and said "I love you Mommy". 

As I said, I love Christmas.  I am, however, really glad it's over now.  I'm excited about getting my house back and moving on with our plans and now that Christmas is over...let the packing begin!

We are now in the sorting phase.  What to keep, what to store, and what to give up.  It doesn't seem like it would be that hard, does it?  Well, let me tell you, it is.  I know the rule is supposed to be if you haven't used it in a year get rid of it, right?  It is just not that cut and dried.  To me, my stuff is a tangible part of my memories.  I think that as a result of not feeling loved for a lot of my growing up years I have instead attached meaning to stuff.  A lot of stuff, unfortunately.  I'm like a baby hoarder who could grow up to be a full-fledged hoarder if I am not careful.  I just don't know how to throw away my dead son's clothes or all my children's baby blankets...the blankets I wrapped them in when they got up to eat in the middle of the night.  Or the artwork they made at school.  I'm just as bad with stuff that chronicles my relationship with my husband.  Ticket stubs, dried flowers, t-shirts, stuffed animals...you get the idea.  It's not like I don't have a daily reminder of how awesome he is but I still can't seem to let go.

I'm working very hard to overcome this issue.  I don't want to start our new chapter in life feeling cluttered or messy.  Down-sizing is the word of the day.

I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this.  I have a lot of words that I haven't had time to get out lately.  Now that we are moving forward, I'm hoping that I will be able to be more consistent here.

The plan for today:  Take down the tree, get out to the gym, play with my kid. 

Go hug someone.  Peace!