Moving on

I've been putting off posting an update just because I've been so emotionally overloaded on top of being so so busy with work and the holidays but here it is.

If you've been following along, you know that T's sentencing was the day before Thanksgiving.  The stress of waiting for that day was so bad for both of us but fortunately we were able to lean on each other as opposed to pushing each other away.

Anyway, that Tuesday night before we received an email from T's lawyer saying the judge had requested a meeting in the morning before the sentencing with the prosecutor and our lawyer.  He had no idea why the meeting was being called and needless to say this new development pushed our stress level to new heights.

Wednesday morning we received a call from the lawyer.  The judge had decided that he didn't have enough information to make a ruling and if he made a ruling that day he would refuse to reduce the charges to misdemeanors.  Instead, he wanted T to submit to court ordered drug tests and then come back in March.  If he stays clean, the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors from class D felonies.  This means no jail time and the possibility of him returning to his job.  This is huge.

Needless to say, we are over the moon about the judge's decision.  Things are still rough financially but we now have real hope for the future.  I'm not worried about what I will say to my daughter if daddy goes to jail.  I am so grateful for this new development and it has certainly made our holidays brighter.

That said, I do have to also say this:

We asked the judge from day one to put T in drug court.  He went immediately to treatment and has complied with all the rules of the treatment program.  He is still in the Aftercare.  He has random drug tests through his program and has for months.  He goes to 12 step meetings.  When we went in front of the judge 2 months ago asking for a continuance so that T could finish his program we were told no and that the judge wanted to be done before the end of the year.

And here's the kicker:  Now he has to continue the drug tests but he has to pay for them each time.  The tests through his Aftercare are covered by insurance.  The ones though the court are not.  We've already put out $30 in the last 3 days and have no idea how often he will be called to test.

Here's what I want to know...how is this rehabilitative?  Here is a guy who is actually trying to change and get better, a guy who is suffering from the disease of addiction, and instead of a helping hand he is getting kicked when he is down.  On top of that, he isn't the only one being punished.  That money is coming out of our family income so we are being punished too.  I'm grateful that we have the support and income to be able to pay for it but I shudder to think about the people who are trying to get better and have no resources.  No wonder people find it so difficult to stay in recovery.

Now before you say it, I will.  Yes, he committed a crime and he needs to suffer the consequences.  I know this.  But at what point does the punishment outweigh the crime?  When a person is truly remorseful and working hard to rehabilitate his or herself where do we draw the line?  What message are we sending when we say "yes we see that you are working towards recovery but we are still going to beat you down some more".

Those of you that truly know me know that I believed in the justice system.  I am now seeing it in a whole new light.  I'm really happy that it seems that justice is finally being served here but it wasn't up until that time.  I felt so helpless and angry about how T was being treated.  It seemed that no matter what he did, no one could see the truth in front of their eyes.  It was all about the media and making an example of him and that is wrong.  How many other people has this happened to?  People who didn't have as much support as we did?

That is my awkward segway into the rest of my update ^.

I've put travel nursing on hold for now.  I need something to be stable around here!  There are some days where I am not sure I'll be able to handle the stress of all the upheaval at work but for the most part I still love my job, co-workers, and patients.  I have joined some committees and am working on some projects.  I'm also going to be working part time at a pediatric respite house and I'm looking forward to that.

I had to cancel my trip to Disneyworld for the Princess Half Marathon.  There was just no way we were going to be able to afford it.  I was able to get a refund on the resort and can defer the race entries so here's to Disney in 2015!

We still have those tickets to Hawaii.  Since it looks like we won't be able to move for awhile, I decided that I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday.  As soon as the holidays are past we will start saving for it.  We need a vacation in a bad way.  We need some time as a family with no worries.

Best of all:  I will have all my kids around the tree on Christmas morning.  The boys are both coming home and M is taking a week off to come home.  S has to work that afternoon so we decided on doing a Christmas breakfast like last year.  I can't wait :)

If you've made it this far:

Now I'm off to finish some jewelry orders and make some Christmas cookies!

Peace! ☮

Tears Today

I try very hard to maintain a positive attitude amidst so much upheaval.  I realize I am very blessed to have so much support from family and friends and that my husband was able to ask for help before it was too late.  Sometimes, though, the frustration with the situation and things I have no control over just wears me down and I can't help but cry.

I understand that my husband did some wrong things.  But I also know what kind of person he is.  He is a good man and has done everything he can to rehabilitate himself and make up for the things he did.  I don't know how much more he could do and I am so very very proud of him. 

What I don't understand is how our system that is supposed to protect society at the same time it rehabilitates those who break our laws can say that my husband deserves prison time and that he does not deserve a second chance.  The City says it "doesn't want to send the wrong message" by showing mercy and allowing him to return to his job.  Well I say, what message does it want to send?  Is the message that someone can make a mistake, admit it, and take the steps to right the wrong not good enough for them?  In "making an example" of T, they show others that may suffer from the disease of addiction or alcoholism that they have no way out.  They have no one to turn to for help because if they do, they will be punished instead of getting the help they need to enter recovery and to again become functioning members of society.

If I sound bitter, it is because I am.  Today, I cried because of the injustice of it all.  Drug dealers, child abusers, and murderers go free every day all across this country but my husband who freely admitted to his problem, turned himself in, and sought help...a man who gave the last 16 years of his life to serving this community, saving countless lives is facing possible prison time and at the very least probation and unemployability.  Our family is being punished right along with him.  My heart breaks knowing the pain this causes him, above and beyond the actual crime so I try so very hard to be strong for him.  The last thing I want to do is to cause him anymore pain.

Next week he will enter a plea of guilty and ask the court for mercy.  We have no idea what is going to happen.  I realize we are in this place because of his actions but there also comes a time when one needs to stop looking at things in black and white and start seeing the shades of grey.  My husband deserves mercy and forgiveness.  He deserves another chance.  I pray that he gets it.

Peace ☮