Friendship

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship.  I see people around me who seem to be able to make friends easily and I am so envious of them.  It has never been easy for me to make friends but never in my life have I struggled like I do now.  As a result, I either find myself holding back from people and becoming a bystander or trusting too much too quickly and allowing my feelings to get hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I do have friends.  Women I'm friendly with, gossip with, laugh with, and even go out for the occasional coffee or drink with.  I even consider my husband my best friend.  What I miss is that friend that you can look at and just KNOW what they are thinking, where jokes with them make no sense to anyone else.  The friend that you turn to when your world is falling apart.  They've seen your ugly side and it doesn't matter. The one who truly "gets" you.

I know this type of friendship is possible because I see it around me but I've not found it for myself.  I don't know if it is something I'm doing wrong or not doing at all.  All I know is that it is a lonely feeling to feel like there is no one really out there for you.

I don't mean in any way to minimize the friendships I do have.  I have several amazing women in my life and I am very grateful for them.  I think they understand what I mean when I talk about that one friend, though, that is more than a friend.  The women I'm friends with all seem to have one of those and I am so happy for them.  I just want it for myself too.

So, to the special women in my life, thank you.

 

I hope this post came across the way I wanted it to.  I feel very fragile and alone right now but I am very lucky to have the friends I do have.  I realize that.  Sometimes, though, I think it would be wonderful to have that "sister from another mister".

 

 

 

A reminder of myself

A friend of mine reminded me tonight who I really am and what I can do when I put my mind to it.  I've been so overwhelmed with stuff happening "to" me that I'd forgotten that I really do have control... over how I react to the world and the stuff that sometimes just seems to bury me.  Sometimes someone will say something at just the right time and a light bulb will go on.

See these medals?

I earned those.  With a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.  Literally.  It seems like a lifetime ago but it was really over the last 2 years, the last one being in May.  I may be sidelined now with my injury but I WILL get back to my old self again.

See the sign on the shelf?  My daughter was just under 2 when my husband made that sign to cheer me on at the Disneyland Half Marathon last year.  Now, when I run on my Dreadmill she stands next to me shouting "go mommy, go mommy!".  My Princess B believes in me and who am I to let her down?

So, thank you Dawn, for reminding me of what I have inside of me.  I know you didn't intend that with your simple questions but that's what you accomplished.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3

Peace.

Transitions

Until recently, I'd never really thought of all the transitions that we, as people, go through during our lifetime.  Sometimes we call them milestones, turning points, or achievements but it pretty much means the same thing: change.

I've never been a big fan of change, of any kind.  I tend to mourn the passing of time for the same reason a toddler doesn't want to nap... I'm afraid I'm missing something.  Instead of looking for the beauty and adventure in the newest phase of my life, I become incredibly sad about leaving behind the current phase.

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, reflecting on the things I did or didn't do...and how many times my life has changed dramatically.  From birth, we grow and change, at first on a daily basis.  As we get past the infant, toddler, and preschool phases that growth slows down.  I'd always thought of those phases as being the most dramatic changes but as I've gotten older, I've changed my mind.

As an adult, I've experienced major changes many times.  I married, had kids, moved across country twice, had my heart broken when I lost my boys, divorced, started a career, went back to school as an "older" adult, remarried, started a second career, and had another child at an "advanced" age.  Now I find that I am again transitioning into a new time of my life while continuing to remain in the old one.  It is quite unsettling and isolating.

I feel like no one really understands why I feel the way I do.  I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because of the reasons I am sad.  By that I mean why I feel isolated and not a part of any group or able to really open up and lean on the people I call my friends.

See, I belong to a unique (and dare I say, elite?) group of older moms of toddlers.  By older I don't mean in my 30's.  Heck no, they are mere amateurs!  I had Princess B when I was 44...6 weeks after my first grandson was born.  So if you do the math (and I know you were...), I am 47 years old.  I am approaching menopause and I am pretty sure my child bearing days are over.  Now, my friends who are my age are puzzled by my feelings of loss and tell me on a daily basis that they don't have any idea how I could possibly keep up with a 3 year old.  I get a lot of "better you than me!" comments...which, if you think about it, is kind of rude.

On the flip side, the moms I know who have kids Princess B's age are significantly younger and are still expanding their families.  While I am extremely happy for them, it is also extremely difficult for me to hear about getting pregnant.  It hurts, sometimes like a kick in the gut, to know that I am done.  It is not their fault that they are younger and still in that stage of life.  It's not their fault that I am past that now and am having trouble adjusting to it.  And because it is not their fault, I don't want to share with them how I feel, even though they are some of my closest friends.  Or maybe it's because they are some of my closest friends.  I don't want to make them feel badly or like they can't talk about it.

I know that I am extremely blessed.  I have 5 beautiful children.  I'm (mostly) healthy.  I'm married to a good man.  I have a job I love.  I'm getting ready to embark on a huge adventure.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

I will get past this.  I will eventually embrace this new time in my life and get back to enjoying the simple act of living in the moment.  Longing for the past is as bad as wishing time away...it takes us away from all that is beautiful in the present.

Peace!