Life is strange

It's funny how things work out isn't it?  I've been meaning to update this blog but life got away from me...moving 4000 miles will do that to you I guess.  One of the things I promised myself for this year was to become more consistent in all areas of my life:  running, parenting, health, personal and professional lives, and this blog.  Some days I have so much going on inside my head and nowhere to put it.  So, my dear readers, here I am.

A lot has happened since September when I last posted.  Some bad, mostly good.  We are finally beginning to feel settled in to our new home though we still have so much to learn about this awesome state we have have chosen to live in.

Today's post isn't about that though.  Updates will have to wait because today is January 1st!  The day for New Year's Resolutions!

Most of you who know me, know I really don't do the whole resolution thing.  For me, it seems to set me up for massive failure every year.  Usually by January 3rd.

So once again I proclaim this a no-resolution zone.

I will have attainable, measurable goals instead of pie in the sky wishes.

Now I know you are saying to yourselves, "it's all semantics.  Goals are the same thing as resolutions."  I don't believe that, though.  I think that if I have goals that I can actually verbalize steps to achieve then I have more of a chance to get to where I want to go than if I just say "I want to be thin" or "I want to be successful" or even "I want to be loved".

I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I want to be.  I want to be someone that other people can count on.  I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend.  I also want to be the kind of person that I can be proud of being.  I want to be healthier, stronger, less quick to hurt feelings, more forgiving and kind.  I want to stop letting others actions hurt me.  All of these things are changed by working from the inside out, the hardest kind of change (for me).  A lot of it will involve simply keeping my mouth shut.  Again, the hardest kind of change (for me).  The painful process of letting others be who they are going to be is just something to get through.  Hopefully, this will be the year where my acceptance muscles get stronger.

I hear you saying "wow, that's no fun".  Nope, that stuff isn't fun.  I take a lot of things personally that I really shouldn't (as anyone who knows me at all will agree to).  For now, I will just keep my mouth shut and try to learn to process things in a way where I am not the center of the universe and the reason that everyone does what they do (for good or bad).  It will be a struggle but I will trudge on.

I do, however, have some actual fun goals.  Yes, running related.  And yes, I can hear the collective groan of everyone who is tired of hearing about my running, races, gnarly toenails, and aching muscles.  So if you don't want to read about that you can skip to the bottom.

2014 was a year of firsts when it came to most of my life, running included.  I ran more half marathons last year (4) and even did my first Full Marathon (the Honolulu Marathon).  I joined the Half Fanatics.  And I made some decisions as to where I wanted my running to take me.  I want to go to Boston.

For 2015, my goals are simple.  I will become more consistent in my training.  If I want to get faster and stronger then I have to assume my coach knows her stuff and follow her directions.  I don't expect to BQ this year but I do expect to move closer to that possibility.  As for specific time goals, I hope to do a sub 2:15 half and a sub 5 marathon by the end of the year.

Let me quickly address my weight.  It seems that every year, weight is a big issue for me.  I lose some, then gain it back.  This last year was no exception.  I lost a ton (ok, 27 pounds) then gained most of it back during the transition to Hawaii.  One thing I've discovered about myself is that if I focus on the number on the scale then I will give up pretty quickly.  I fluctuate too much.  So instead, this year I will focus simply on my physical abilities and how my clothes fit.  No more weighing in.  I know what I need to do and what I need to eat (or not eat!) in order to be healthy.  This seems like a good time to get on that.

So, yeah.  That's it.  I have some other stuff that I also want to accomplish but this post is already way longer than I expected it to be so I will finish this now. 

2015...ready or not, here I come!

The more things change...

...the more they stay the same.  It's been what...a week and a half?!  I feel like so much keeps happening but really I think that all those feelings (confusion, disorientation, fear, insecurity, etc.) are just finally sorting themselves out inside of myself and allowing me to settles where I am supposed to be for right now.

What is it about human beings that makes us want to constantly fix everything?  Why are we not happy unless we are in turbo speed, finding solutions to things that don't always need solutions, and in general, mucking things up?  Why do we (meaning me) feel like unless we are moving towards or away from something we are failing?  And why do we (again, me) feel like there is always something more we can be doing, that we are so powerful as to be in control of what is going on?

I am a goal oriented, problem solving person.  I am happiest when I can take a situation and make it better.  Fever?  Here's some Tylenol!  Bleeding?  Apply pressure!  Heart stop?  Chest compressions!  Plan A not work?  Time to move on to Plan B!

Unfortunately, in life, Plan B doesn't always work.  Eventually, you run out of plans and then you look like this:

That's where I was a few days ago.  Trapped on a giant ice cube with no rescue in sight.  I ran out of plans.  I got to the point where I just wanted to sit quietly and stop trying to find what I thought by that point were non-existent solutions to the many problems we were now facing.

You would think I would know this by now but it's amazing how things happen when you just let go and let what is supposed to happen happen instead of fighting for what you want constantly.  Aside from being exhausting, it is generally futile.  I think it's time for some Stones:

So here's where life stands now:

I managed to get my old job back.  While money is still a major issue, so is sanity.  My sanity, specifically.  I need to have a place I know is safe, secure, and that I enjoy being.  For now, it is ok to want to stay here.  A lot of my emotional support comes from here.  I am taking on more responsibility and becoming more invested.  I think that's a good thing.  I have applied for a part time job at a pediatric respite house to earn a bit more.  We will make this work.

Sentencing is still the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so about 3 weeks.  After that, who knows.  What will happen, will happen.  T will either get his old job back or he will move on to something better.  Most importantly, we have each other.  We have our family.  We have so many people who care about us.  We are blessed.

We still also have those plane tickets.  We decided to plan a trip to Hawaii in late September.  Two weeks in paradise.  Eventually, we hope it will be longer but for now two weeks will be fine.

As for everything else?  Well, it will be ok.  It's amazing how much things change when I change my own attitude.  After all, it could be much worse, couldn't it?

Peace ☮