The more things change...

...the more they stay the same.  It's been what...a week and a half?!  I feel like so much keeps happening but really I think that all those feelings (confusion, disorientation, fear, insecurity, etc.) are just finally sorting themselves out inside of myself and allowing me to settles where I am supposed to be for right now.

What is it about human beings that makes us want to constantly fix everything?  Why are we not happy unless we are in turbo speed, finding solutions to things that don't always need solutions, and in general, mucking things up?  Why do we (meaning me) feel like unless we are moving towards or away from something we are failing?  And why do we (again, me) feel like there is always something more we can be doing, that we are so powerful as to be in control of what is going on?

I am a goal oriented, problem solving person.  I am happiest when I can take a situation and make it better.  Fever?  Here's some Tylenol!  Bleeding?  Apply pressure!  Heart stop?  Chest compressions!  Plan A not work?  Time to move on to Plan B!

Unfortunately, in life, Plan B doesn't always work.  Eventually, you run out of plans and then you look like this:

That's where I was a few days ago.  Trapped on a giant ice cube with no rescue in sight.  I ran out of plans.  I got to the point where I just wanted to sit quietly and stop trying to find what I thought by that point were non-existent solutions to the many problems we were now facing.

You would think I would know this by now but it's amazing how things happen when you just let go and let what is supposed to happen happen instead of fighting for what you want constantly.  Aside from being exhausting, it is generally futile.  I think it's time for some Stones:

So here's where life stands now:

I managed to get my old job back.  While money is still a major issue, so is sanity.  My sanity, specifically.  I need to have a place I know is safe, secure, and that I enjoy being.  For now, it is ok to want to stay here.  A lot of my emotional support comes from here.  I am taking on more responsibility and becoming more invested.  I think that's a good thing.  I have applied for a part time job at a pediatric respite house to earn a bit more.  We will make this work.

Sentencing is still the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so about 3 weeks.  After that, who knows.  What will happen, will happen.  T will either get his old job back or he will move on to something better.  Most importantly, we have each other.  We have our family.  We have so many people who care about us.  We are blessed.

We still also have those plane tickets.  We decided to plan a trip to Hawaii in late September.  Two weeks in paradise.  Eventually, we hope it will be longer but for now two weeks will be fine.

As for everything else?  Well, it will be ok.  It's amazing how much things change when I change my own attitude.  After all, it could be much worse, couldn't it?

Peace ☮