Out with the old

I woke up this morning in a mood.  I'm not sure what kind, but it was definitely a mood.  The last week I've been working a lot.  When I wasn't working, I was trying (and failing) to catch up with household stuff.  As a result, my house is a mess, my laundry baskets are full, and my refrigerator is empty.  This morning, in the relative quiet of my one day off, I had some time to reflect on what I want and don't want in my life.  Rather deep thoughts pre-coffee, I must say!

One thought that was crystal clear was that I am tired of clutter.  Counters full of dishes, things piled upon things, rooms that have fallen to disuse because they became storage for junk we never use, and 1000+ emails.

This is how I felt this morning:

 

So, after getting a load of laundry in and pouring myself some coffee, I did the unprecedented.  I deleted all but 17 of those emails.  Every blog post, every sale email, every recipe I'll never make, went into the trash.  It was both scary and freeing at the same time.  I can now start the new year with one area of my life cleaned out and clutter free.

 

 

 

I am the first to admit that I have trouble letting things go.  I find comfort in things and have attached some sort of memory or feeling to just about everything I own.  I also have an irrational fear of getting rid of something and then finding that I need it a week later.  I guess times of financial insecurity have taken their toll on my psyche.  Things aren't the only thing that are hard to let go.  I hold onto hurt and anger much longer than I should.  I've lost friendships because I couldn't get past my hurt feelings.

 

I don't know how to heal the damage done or take away the fear of being without but I am trying with baby steps to make a better life for not only myself but my kids.  The email clean out, while just a small step, is a step nonetheless.

 

I have high hopes for 2014.  It's time to take some positive action before it's too late.  It's time to discover what is possible instead of feeling like everything is impossible.  It's time to live instead of merely surviving.

 

Peace, my friends ☮





Moving on

I've been putting off posting an update just because I've been so emotionally overloaded on top of being so so busy with work and the holidays but here it is.

If you've been following along, you know that T's sentencing was the day before Thanksgiving.  The stress of waiting for that day was so bad for both of us but fortunately we were able to lean on each other as opposed to pushing each other away.

Anyway, that Tuesday night before we received an email from T's lawyer saying the judge had requested a meeting in the morning before the sentencing with the prosecutor and our lawyer.  He had no idea why the meeting was being called and needless to say this new development pushed our stress level to new heights.

Wednesday morning we received a call from the lawyer.  The judge had decided that he didn't have enough information to make a ruling and if he made a ruling that day he would refuse to reduce the charges to misdemeanors.  Instead, he wanted T to submit to court ordered drug tests and then come back in March.  If he stays clean, the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors from class D felonies.  This means no jail time and the possibility of him returning to his job.  This is huge.

Needless to say, we are over the moon about the judge's decision.  Things are still rough financially but we now have real hope for the future.  I'm not worried about what I will say to my daughter if daddy goes to jail.  I am so grateful for this new development and it has certainly made our holidays brighter.

That said, I do have to also say this:

We asked the judge from day one to put T in drug court.  He went immediately to treatment and has complied with all the rules of the treatment program.  He is still in the Aftercare.  He has random drug tests through his program and has for months.  He goes to 12 step meetings.  When we went in front of the judge 2 months ago asking for a continuance so that T could finish his program we were told no and that the judge wanted to be done before the end of the year.

And here's the kicker:  Now he has to continue the drug tests but he has to pay for them each time.  The tests through his Aftercare are covered by insurance.  The ones though the court are not.  We've already put out $30 in the last 3 days and have no idea how often he will be called to test.

Here's what I want to know...how is this rehabilitative?  Here is a guy who is actually trying to change and get better, a guy who is suffering from the disease of addiction, and instead of a helping hand he is getting kicked when he is down.  On top of that, he isn't the only one being punished.  That money is coming out of our family income so we are being punished too.  I'm grateful that we have the support and income to be able to pay for it but I shudder to think about the people who are trying to get better and have no resources.  No wonder people find it so difficult to stay in recovery.

Now before you say it, I will.  Yes, he committed a crime and he needs to suffer the consequences.  I know this.  But at what point does the punishment outweigh the crime?  When a person is truly remorseful and working hard to rehabilitate his or herself where do we draw the line?  What message are we sending when we say "yes we see that you are working towards recovery but we are still going to beat you down some more".

Those of you that truly know me know that I believed in the justice system.  I am now seeing it in a whole new light.  I'm really happy that it seems that justice is finally being served here but it wasn't up until that time.  I felt so helpless and angry about how T was being treated.  It seemed that no matter what he did, no one could see the truth in front of their eyes.  It was all about the media and making an example of him and that is wrong.  How many other people has this happened to?  People who didn't have as much support as we did?

That is my awkward segway into the rest of my update ^.

I've put travel nursing on hold for now.  I need something to be stable around here!  There are some days where I am not sure I'll be able to handle the stress of all the upheaval at work but for the most part I still love my job, co-workers, and patients.  I have joined some committees and am working on some projects.  I'm also going to be working part time at a pediatric respite house and I'm looking forward to that.

I had to cancel my trip to Disneyworld for the Princess Half Marathon.  There was just no way we were going to be able to afford it.  I was able to get a refund on the resort and can defer the race entries so here's to Disney in 2015!

We still have those tickets to Hawaii.  Since it looks like we won't be able to move for awhile, I decided that I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday.  As soon as the holidays are past we will start saving for it.  We need a vacation in a bad way.  We need some time as a family with no worries.

Best of all:  I will have all my kids around the tree on Christmas morning.  The boys are both coming home and M is taking a week off to come home.  S has to work that afternoon so we decided on doing a Christmas breakfast like last year.  I can't wait :)

If you've made it this far:

Now I'm off to finish some jewelry orders and make some Christmas cookies!

Peace! ☮

5 days

I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me.  I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change.  I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.

While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared.  I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me.  Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together.  We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting.  It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.

It makes me so sad.  It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.

It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy.  I know without a doubt that I am loved.  Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it.  I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid.  I will always be grateful for that.

In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now.  After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be.  Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.

Things don't look so bad right now.  Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long.  I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income.  I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens.  Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure.  I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good.  I'm excited about what is to come.

Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now.  It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.

And what of Hawaii, you ask?  Well, Hawaii will always be there.  We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year.  Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there.  I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.

For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing.  I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life.  Only time will tell...

Until next time, kind people.  Peace!  ☮

The more things change...

...the more they stay the same.  It's been what...a week and a half?!  I feel like so much keeps happening but really I think that all those feelings (confusion, disorientation, fear, insecurity, etc.) are just finally sorting themselves out inside of myself and allowing me to settles where I am supposed to be for right now.

What is it about human beings that makes us want to constantly fix everything?  Why are we not happy unless we are in turbo speed, finding solutions to things that don't always need solutions, and in general, mucking things up?  Why do we (meaning me) feel like unless we are moving towards or away from something we are failing?  And why do we (again, me) feel like there is always something more we can be doing, that we are so powerful as to be in control of what is going on?

I am a goal oriented, problem solving person.  I am happiest when I can take a situation and make it better.  Fever?  Here's some Tylenol!  Bleeding?  Apply pressure!  Heart stop?  Chest compressions!  Plan A not work?  Time to move on to Plan B!

Unfortunately, in life, Plan B doesn't always work.  Eventually, you run out of plans and then you look like this:

That's where I was a few days ago.  Trapped on a giant ice cube with no rescue in sight.  I ran out of plans.  I got to the point where I just wanted to sit quietly and stop trying to find what I thought by that point were non-existent solutions to the many problems we were now facing.

You would think I would know this by now but it's amazing how things happen when you just let go and let what is supposed to happen happen instead of fighting for what you want constantly.  Aside from being exhausting, it is generally futile.  I think it's time for some Stones:

So here's where life stands now:

I managed to get my old job back.  While money is still a major issue, so is sanity.  My sanity, specifically.  I need to have a place I know is safe, secure, and that I enjoy being.  For now, it is ok to want to stay here.  A lot of my emotional support comes from here.  I am taking on more responsibility and becoming more invested.  I think that's a good thing.  I have applied for a part time job at a pediatric respite house to earn a bit more.  We will make this work.

Sentencing is still the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so about 3 weeks.  After that, who knows.  What will happen, will happen.  T will either get his old job back or he will move on to something better.  Most importantly, we have each other.  We have our family.  We have so many people who care about us.  We are blessed.

We still also have those plane tickets.  We decided to plan a trip to Hawaii in late September.  Two weeks in paradise.  Eventually, we hope it will be longer but for now two weeks will be fine.

As for everything else?  Well, it will be ok.  It's amazing how much things change when I change my own attitude.  After all, it could be much worse, couldn't it?

Peace ☮

Choosing a Path

I keep thinking I should write a new blog post but stuff keeps changing so fast that whatever I would have written would have been outdated by the next day. 

Things are not going very well right now for me and I am frustrated.  I have a lot of options but I am so unsure which way to go.  I've had many people tell me to stop pushing in this direction or that direction but I can't seem to reconcile it in my head.  I mean, I could just sit here but I don't see how that would change anything.  And, yes, I do believe in God and know that he will provide but I also believe that I have to do the work in order to get to where I need to be.  How do I know when I am pushing to hard for something I want as opposed to what I need?

As I sit here in this moment, there are several options (or paths, if you will) that I could take in order to help make things better for my family.  The problem is knowing which one to really focus on.  I can't get really specific here, but in general I am referring to which direction I should be taking my career in order to a) better provide for my family and b) have less stress about work.

This is about how many options I have right now:

And while I am extremely grateful that I have so very many options, I have no idea which way to turn and that in itself is frustrating and stressful.  I have spoken to trusted friends, my husband, and God.  No one has given me any concrete answers.  I do know that if I sit and do nothing I will not like where the current path is leading.  I know this is all vague but I think you can still get the gist of what I am saying.

So, for today:  I have done all I can do.  Today is for me.  I will run.  I will play.  I will try not to focus on all the negative things that have been happening lately and will instead focus on what is good.  I really am a very lucky woman.  I need to stop letting the relatively unimportant things weigh me down.

Peace! ☮

Friendship

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship.  I see people around me who seem to be able to make friends easily and I am so envious of them.  It has never been easy for me to make friends but never in my life have I struggled like I do now.  As a result, I either find myself holding back from people and becoming a bystander or trusting too much too quickly and allowing my feelings to get hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I do have friends.  Women I'm friendly with, gossip with, laugh with, and even go out for the occasional coffee or drink with.  I even consider my husband my best friend.  What I miss is that friend that you can look at and just KNOW what they are thinking, where jokes with them make no sense to anyone else.  The friend that you turn to when your world is falling apart.  They've seen your ugly side and it doesn't matter. The one who truly "gets" you.

I know this type of friendship is possible because I see it around me but I've not found it for myself.  I don't know if it is something I'm doing wrong or not doing at all.  All I know is that it is a lonely feeling to feel like there is no one really out there for you.

I don't mean in any way to minimize the friendships I do have.  I have several amazing women in my life and I am very grateful for them.  I think they understand what I mean when I talk about that one friend, though, that is more than a friend.  The women I'm friends with all seem to have one of those and I am so happy for them.  I just want it for myself too.

So, to the special women in my life, thank you.

 

I hope this post came across the way I wanted it to.  I feel very fragile and alone right now but I am very lucky to have the friends I do have.  I realize that.  Sometimes, though, I think it would be wonderful to have that "sister from another mister".

 

 

 

Let's Lighten Up!

We don't fight much in our house anymore.  We generally have the normal couple spats that end quickly, much like many other couples do.  After nearly 10 years of marriage and 14 years together we have learned to pick our battles and to compromise, compromise, compromise.

But there is one area where neither of us is willing to compromise.

And that is in the bathroom:  The Great Toilet Paper Debate.

When I first noticed T hanging the toilet paper the wrong way (and in case anyone is wondering, the wrong way is "A" or under), I assumed he was just misguided.  I would switch it around and not say anything, maybe with a slight smile at the effort he made to even put a new roll up, even in his ignorance.  He was trying, the poor dear!

After awhile, I decided that T would benefit by my toilet paper wisdom and explained to him that the roll actually was supposed to roll out over the top because it was easier to control the amount of paper dispensed and easier to tear that way.  He smiled during my instruction but didn't comment.

A few days later, I found the roll again rolling the wrong way.  Did he forget?  It was such a simple thing and he was really a bright lad...

I went to him and asked what happened.  He just smiled and said that he preferred the roll to come from underneath.  WTF?!  Had I married a mad man?  I calmly explained that it didn't go that way and he just nodded and smiled.

Well, as you can guess, a week later I again found the roll backwards.  This time I yelled from the bathroom something about his upbringing and lack of common sense, I don't remember exact words but it may have been "Stop putting the toilet paper on backwards you idiot!!"  A muffled chuckle was his only reply.

That was several years ago.  The battle still rages on with him sabotaging my bathroom and me fixing it while mumbling obscenities under my breath.  I just can't let backwards toilet paper go.  It is just that sort of thing that is leading to all our troubles in this world!

Excuse me now while I go check the bathroom and make sure he didn't mess up the toilet paper again.  I swear he sneaks in there on a regular basis and switches it around!