I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me. I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change. I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.
While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared. I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me. Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room. We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together. We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting. It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.
It makes me so sad. It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.
It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy. I know without a doubt that I am loved. Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it. I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid. I will always be grateful for that.
In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now. After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be. Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.
Things don't look so bad right now. Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long. I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income. I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens. Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure. I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good. I'm excited about what is to come.
Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now. It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.
And what of Hawaii, you ask? Well, Hawaii will always be there. We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year. Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there. I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.
For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing. I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life. Only time will tell...
...the more they stay the same. It's been what...a week and a half?! I feel like so much keeps happening but really I think that all those feelings (confusion, disorientation, fear, insecurity, etc.) are just finally sorting themselves out inside of myself and allowing me to settles where I am supposed to be for right now.
What is it about human beings that makes us want to constantly fix everything? Why are we not happy unless we are in turbo speed, finding solutions to things that don't always need solutions, and in general, mucking things up? Why do we (meaning me) feel like unless we are moving towards or away from something we are failing? And why do we (again, me) feel like there is always something more we can be doing, that we are so powerful as to be in control of what is going on?
I am a goal oriented, problem solving person. I am happiest when I can take a situation and make it better. Fever? Here's some Tylenol! Bleeding? Apply pressure! Heart stop? Chest compressions! Plan A not work? Time to move on to Plan B!
Unfortunately, in life, Plan B doesn't always work. Eventually, you run out of plans and then you look like this:
That's where I was a few days ago. Trapped on a giant ice cube with no rescue in sight. I ran out of plans. I got to the point where I just wanted to sit quietly and stop trying to find what I thought by that point were non-existent solutions to the many problems we were now facing.
You would think I would know this by now but it's amazing how things happen when you just let go and let what is supposed to happen happen instead of fighting for what you want constantly. Aside from being exhausting, it is generally futile. I think it's time for some Stones:
So here's where life stands now:
I managed to get my old job back. While money is still a major issue, so is sanity. My sanity, specifically. I need to have a place I know is safe, secure, and that I enjoy being. For now, it is ok to want to stay here. A lot of my emotional support comes from here. I am taking on more responsibility and becoming more invested. I think that's a good thing. I have applied for a part time job at a pediatric respite house to earn a bit more. We will make this work.
Sentencing is still the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so about 3 weeks. After that, who knows. What will happen, will happen. T will either get his old job back or he will move on to something better. Most importantly, we have each other. We have our family. We have so many people who care about us. We are blessed.
We still also have those plane tickets. We decided to plan a trip to Hawaii in late September. Two weeks in paradise. Eventually, we hope it will be longer but for now two weeks will be fine.
As for everything else? Well, it will be ok. It's amazing how much things change when I change my own attitude. After all, it could be much worse, couldn't it?
I keep thinking I should write a new blog post but stuff keeps changing so fast that whatever I would have written would have been outdated by the next day.
Things are not going very well right now for me and I am frustrated. I have a lot of options but I am so unsure which way to go. I've had many people tell me to stop pushing in this direction or that direction but I can't seem to reconcile it in my head. I mean, I could just sit here but I don't see how that would change anything. And, yes, I do believe in God and know that he will provide but I also believe that I have to do the work in order to get to where I need to be. How do I know when I am pushing to hard for something I want as opposed to what I need?
As I sit here in this moment, there are several options (or paths, if you will) that I could take in order to help make things better for my family. The problem is knowing which one to really focus on. I can't get really specific here, but in general I am referring to which direction I should be taking my career in order to a) better provide for my family and b) have less stress about work.
This is about how many options I have right now:
And while I am extremely grateful that I have so very many options, I have no idea which way to turn and that in itself is frustrating and stressful. I have spoken to trusted friends, my husband, and God. No one has given me any concrete answers. I do know that if I sit and do nothing I will not like where the current path is leading. I know this is all vague but I think you can still get the gist of what I am saying.
So, for today: I have done all I can do. Today is for me. I will run. I will play. I will try not to focus on all the negative things that have been happening lately and will instead focus on what is good. I really am a very lucky woman. I need to stop letting the relatively unimportant things weigh me down.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship. I see people around me who seem to be able to make friends easily and I am so envious of them. It has never been easy for me to make friends but never in my life have I struggled like I do now. As a result, I either find myself holding back from people and becoming a bystander or trusting too much too quickly and allowing my feelings to get hurt.
Don't get me wrong, I do have friends. Women I'm friendly with, gossip with, laugh with, and even go out for the occasional coffee or drink with. I even consider my husband my best friend. What I miss is that friend that you can look at and just KNOW what they are thinking, where jokes with them make no sense to anyone else. The friend that you turn to when your world is falling apart. They've seen your ugly side and it doesn't matter. The one who truly "gets" you.
I know this type of friendship is possible because I see it around me but I've not found it for myself. I don't know if it is something I'm doing wrong or not doing at all. All I know is that it is a lonely feeling to feel like there is no one really out there for you.
I don't mean in any way to minimize the friendships I do have. I have several amazing women in my life and I am very grateful for them. I think they understand what I mean when I talk about that one friend, though, that is more than a friend. The women I'm friends with all seem to have one of those and I am so happy for them. I just want it for myself too.
So, to the special women in my life, thank you.
I hope this post came across the way I wanted it to. I feel very fragile and alone right now but I am very lucky to have the friends I do have. I realize that. Sometimes, though, I think it would be wonderful to have that "sister from another mister".
We don't fight much in our house anymore. We generally have the normal couple spats that end quickly, much like many other couples do. After nearly 10 years of marriage and 14 years together we have learned to pick our battles and to compromise, compromise, compromise.
But there is one area where neither of us is willing to compromise.
And that is in the bathroom: The Great Toilet Paper Debate.
When I first noticed T hanging the toilet paper the wrong way (and in case anyone is wondering, the wrong way is "A" or under), I assumed he was just misguided. I would switch it around and not say anything, maybe with a slight smile at the effort he made to even put a new roll up, even in his ignorance. He was trying, the poor dear!
After awhile, I decided that T would benefit by my toilet paper wisdom and explained to him that the roll actually was supposed to roll out over the top because it was easier to control the amount of paper dispensed and easier to tear that way. He smiled during my instruction but didn't comment.
A few days later, I found the roll again rolling the wrong way. Did he forget? It was such a simple thing and he was really a bright lad...
I went to him and asked what happened. He just smiled and said that he preferred the roll to come from underneath. WTF?! Had I married a mad man? I calmly explained that it didn't go that way and he just nodded and smiled.
Well, as you can guess, a week later I again found the roll backwards. This time I yelled from the bathroom something about his upbringing and lack of common sense, I don't remember exact words but it may have been "Stop putting the toilet paper on backwards you idiot!!" A muffled chuckle was his only reply.
That was several years ago. The battle still rages on with him sabotaging my bathroom and me fixing it while mumbling obscenities under my breath. I just can't let backwards toilet paper go. It is just that sort of thing that is leading to all our troubles in this world!
Excuse me now while I go check the bathroom and make sure he didn't mess up the toilet paper again. I swear he sneaks in there on a regular basis and switches it around!
Today was a hard day. I watched my husband, a man I have an incredible amount of respect for, stand humbly before a judge and in front of a room full of people and admit his guilt. My heart hurt for him as I watched him stand there with his shoulders squared and answered all the questions put to him. I wanted to take away his pain but I knew that he needed to do this, not only because it was the right thing to do but because he needed it for him to move on with life.
Today was hard but I also love and respect him even more now than I did before. What was healing for him was also healing for me and today a little bit of my anger and hurt was also let go.
Our next step is sentencing. It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. Our lawyer says that's a good thing but I wonder how thankful I'll be if he is indeed used as an example. I can't worry about that now, though, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time.
In other news, I am one step closer to my Michigan license. All that the state needs is my Hawaii license verification. With any luck, I'll be up in Ann Arbor by the first week in November and we will be one step closer to a more normal life. I am still so scared about such a big change but I know it is for the better and in the end will be the best thing for us all.
So the theme of today is letting go. Letting go of negative feelings and letting go of things out of my control.
I try very hard to maintain a positive attitude amidst so much upheaval. I realize I am very blessed to have so much support from family and friends and that my husband was able to ask for help before it was too late. Sometimes, though, the frustration with the situation and things I have no control over just wears me down and I can't help but cry.
I understand that my husband did some wrong things. But I also know what kind of person he is. He is a good man and has done everything he can to rehabilitate himself and make up for the things he did. I don't know how much more he could do and I am so very very proud of him.
What I don't understand is how our system that is supposed to protect society at the same time it rehabilitates those who break our laws can say that my husband deserves prison time and that he does not deserve a second chance. The City says it "doesn't want to send the wrong message" by showing mercy and allowing him to return to his job. Well I say, what message does it want to send? Is the message that someone can make a mistake, admit it, and take the steps to right the wrong not good enough for them? In "making an example" of T, they show others that may suffer from the disease of addiction or alcoholism that they have no way out. They have no one to turn to for help because if they do, they will be punished instead of getting the help they need to enter recovery and to again become functioning members of society.
If I sound bitter, it is because I am. Today, I cried because of the injustice of it all. Drug dealers, child abusers, and murderers go free every day all across this country but my husband who freely admitted to his problem, turned himself in, and sought help...a man who gave the last 16 years of his life to serving this community, saving countless lives is facing possible prison time and at the very least probation and unemployability. Our family is being punished right along with him. My heart breaks knowing the pain this causes him, above and beyond the actual crime so I try so very hard to be strong for him. The last thing I want to do is to cause him anymore pain.
Next week he will enter a plea of guilty and ask the court for mercy. We have no idea what is going to happen. I realize we are in this place because of his actions but there also comes a time when one needs to stop looking at things in black and white and start seeing the shades of grey. My husband deserves mercy and forgiveness. He deserves another chance. I pray that he gets it.
