I've always thought of myself as a nice person but I've come to realize that I really am not a very nice person. Oh, I'm kind to others, help when I can, lend an ear or a shoulder, and work really hard at not being judgmental. I try to see things through other's eyes. I have tremendous compassion for other people...
And then I look in a mirror. Suddenly, that compassionate, kind, loving person is not there. When it comes to how I treat myself, judge myself, and think of myself I am a bully.
It has to stop. The bullying is killing me slowly.
I'm not sure how this change will occur, but I am working on it. No more hiding. No more negative self-talk. More acceptance and love.
Are there things I need to change about myself? Sure there are! But I've come to understand that change does not have to come with hateful thoughts and feelings. Change can come with love and kindness. I'll even go so far as to say change made with hate is unsustainable while change made with kindness will last a lifetime. The effects of how I treat myself will then become ripples on a pond, affecting those around me.
I ask myself, "what do I want to teach my children? Especially, my daughters?" If anyone bullied my kids the way I bully myself, there would be Hell to pay. I want to teach my kids to stand up to bullies. Especially when that bully is their own inner voice. I want to teach them it can be done. That they can love themselves while still wanting to make positive changes.
The first step is admitting there is a problem. And that's what I am doing now.
peace <3
I became a grandma again today for the third time. As I look at the pictures my son has sent me I am so full of love for this little person that my heart feels like it will explode. It is not something I ever expected back in the years before I had grandchildren, when my own children were little.
Don't get me wrong...I knew I'd love them when I got them. I just had no idea on the intensity of feeling that would overwhelm me when I look at the children of my children. I always thought I could never love anyone as much as I love my kids but I was wrong. When I look at the grandchildren I have been blessed with, I realize that my children have given me such a beautiful and unexpected gift.
I see my children in my grandchildren...along with bits and pieces of me, their dad, my parents, his parents...and so on...
I see the past in my grandchildren but, more importantly, I see the future. As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how my children have grown right along with them. Is there any greater blessing?
In this haze of grandmotherly pride there is a little part of me that realizes no one is perfect but that part is silenced when I look into the faces of my grandchildren and think...
THIS is perfection.
A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering. I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru. As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.
I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.
I am done allowing life to control me. It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.
If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about. Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings. I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change. Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.
Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!
J.
Which we all know is generally frowned upon and gets me nowhere...
Anyway, I kept thinking "as soon as I can get my act together and be consistent..." and "as soon as life calms down..." and " as soon as I have something relevant and inspiring to say..."
...Well you get the idea. I've wanted to restart blogging for quite awhile. I so often have a ton of stuff in my head that takes up too much space and, frankly, it helps me to write it all out. So here I am, sitting here in my pj's, gearing up for a nap (nightshift, y'all, don't get judgy), and fighting off a raging cold. I decided to just put it all out there (briefly, for now) and just...start. I have no illusions that I'll be consistent (though I'm hoping I will) but I do think it may help my brain to be a bit more organized.
I also kind of hope that somewhere out there in the interwebz someone will say "yeah...I feel/think/hurt/am happy/am sad/agree/identify with that too!" I can't be the ONLY weirdo can I??
So here are the bullet points that I will elaborate on later (nap time remember?):
- I am now permanent nights...which I love for the most part but sometimes I have trouble not being lazy about it.
- We are moving in less than a week. Not far but moving still sucks! I have not been holding up my side of the bargain and T is getting annoyed. He's done most of the work.
- I have taken on the job of Clinical Instructor and that's taken up a lot of time this month. I love it but the schedule was not something to write home about.
- I also applied for a per diem pediatric/PICU RN position...because, well, I'm not really BUSY, right?
- Then there is the ever present desire to lose weight while continuing to eat crap. I know better but I'm not sure I can do better. I'm disappointed in myself.
- Along the lines of feeling disappointed in (aka sorry for) myself, I am supposed to be marathon training. Just over 2 months until the race and I am way behind on where I should be.
So there it is. Not feeling very funny or entertaining this morning. Just sad and tired and discouraged and real. I thought about looking for an inspirational meme or funny picture but I just don't have the energy today.
This is my new start. I hope you'll come along for the ride.
Aloha!
As I said in my last post, I have a grand plan of running around Oahu by my next birthday...the BIG 50. Just in case you think I was just blowing smoke and fizzled out on another goal, I am here to tell you that I actually started. What I'm not so good at is follow up on documenting it. BUT I did take pictures so better late than never, yes? Since I plan on running part of it again tomorrow I figured I'd better write this tonight.
I will say that I have been a bit busy lately. Between working OT and running and the in-laws visiting, I've hardly had a minute to myself to just breathe, let alone blog. All fun things (well maybe not the OT) but fun can be stressful too.
After I began my epic journey, I ran the Hapalua Half Marathon.
Not my best race but not my worst either. I was very glad to have my family out cheering me on.
So about my journey. I ran 5K to begin. From home to the fountain at Kapiolani park.
It was a beautiful day and I felt really good starting out.
While this run was actually shorter than most of my easy runs (time constraints due to that pesky thing called work) I actually felt pretty reflective and relaxed. There are so many reasons that I run and so many people that I run for. This first 3.1 I was able to think about that and my WHY. We all have a WHY. The important thing is remembering what (or who) it is.
I got to the fountain and was greeting by my number 1 fans, T and B.
B never stops cheering for me and T always makes sure he is there at the finish, whether it's a training run or a race. I couldn't do any of this without these two.
I felt great afterwards, though a bit panicked because we dawdled too long at the fountain and I was late getting ready for work.
So tomorrow, I start at the fountain for my easy 4. I am super excited that it is a flat area. I don't get many flat runs anymore! I have a race coming up next month and I'm bound and determined to do better. To stick with it. To do this for me.
For those of you that made it this far: thank you! I know this is probably boring listening to my self-centered babbling but at least the pictures are pretty :)
Peace, my friends!
HELLO!
Now that I've got your attention, it's time to talk about a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC. I woke up today after not really sleeping (a story for another blog post) and realized that my birthday is in less than 6 months! And not just any birthday...
My 50th birthday!
Now, I suppose most people are bothered by turning such a monumental age as half a century but I'm actually excited about it. I'm having the time of my life, living a life that I could only dream about a few years ago, and sharing it with someone I love. It just doesn't get any better.
So here's what I want to talk about: I wanted to do something monumental for my birthday to celebrate being happy in my own skin and to commemorate this milestone birthday. Thing was, I had no idea what I wanted to do. So what did I do? I took to the internet and asked for suggestions.
I got several good ones that I may do along with the main one that I'll tell you about in a minute. Here are a few of them:
- Hang glide over a volcano (not likely, but good idea nonetheless)
- Do 50 things that challenge me, big and little...and I am going to try to do this one along the way.
- Give 50 blessings to others...another one I am going to try to do. It appeals to my desire to become a better person.
- Run 50 miles or 50K or some variation of the number 50.
- Run a destination race...already have a couple planned, including the Marine Corps Marathon not long after my birthday. This will also be the first time I've ever traveled alone.
- And the one that I am definitely doing: Circumvent Oahu.
Now I know you are thinking I am crazy, but hear me out.
I won't do it in one complete run, there is no way I can take the time off work to do so and let's face it, I am NOT an ultra-runner by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe some day but not now. The distance is doable if taken in chunks, like making every long run part of the journey. I mapped it out and it comes to just over 133.5 miles...a distance I do in less than 2 months.
All that was left was to run it by my better half (see what I did there?). I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't laugh but encouraged me. Not that he laughs at me but to be honest, it does seem like a crazy thing to do.
I'm going to wait until after my half marathon this coming weekend to start my epic journey. I can't wait to see the island in a new way and I'm excited about the things I will learn (hopefully) about myself.
So, come and celebrate this adventure with me! It should be fun as long as you don't get tired of my self-centered rambling about my birthday. If you stick around for it all, I may even share my cake with you :)
It's funny how things work out isn't it? I've been meaning to update this blog but life got away from me...moving 4000 miles will do that to you I guess. One of the things I promised myself for this year was to become more consistent in all areas of my life: running, parenting, health, personal and professional lives, and this blog. Some days I have so much going on inside my head and nowhere to put it. So, my dear readers, here I am.
A lot has happened since September when I last posted. Some bad, mostly good. We are finally beginning to feel settled in to our new home though we still have so much to learn about this awesome state we have have chosen to live in.
Today's post isn't about that though. Updates will have to wait because today is January 1st! The day for New Year's Resolutions!
Most of you who know me, know I really don't do the whole resolution thing. For me, it seems to set me up for massive failure every year. Usually by January 3rd.
So once again I proclaim this a no-resolution zone.
I will have attainable, measurable goals instead of pie in the sky wishes.
Now I know you are saying to yourselves, "it's all semantics. Goals are the same thing as resolutions." I don't believe that, though. I think that if I have goals that I can actually verbalize steps to achieve then I have more of a chance to get to where I want to go than if I just say "I want to be thin" or "I want to be successful" or even "I want to be loved".
I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone that other people can count on. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I also want to be the kind of person that I can be proud of being. I want to be healthier, stronger, less quick to hurt feelings, more forgiving and kind. I want to stop letting others actions hurt me. All of these things are changed by working from the inside out, the hardest kind of change (for me). A lot of it will involve simply keeping my mouth shut. Again, the hardest kind of change (for me). The painful process of letting others be who they are going to be is just something to get through. Hopefully, this will be the year where my acceptance muscles get stronger.
I hear you saying "wow, that's no fun". Nope, that stuff isn't fun. I take a lot of things personally that I really shouldn't (as anyone who knows me at all will agree to). For now, I will just keep my mouth shut and try to learn to process things in a way where I am not the center of the universe and the reason that everyone does what they do (for good or bad). It will be a struggle but I will trudge on.
I do, however, have some actual fun goals. Yes, running related. And yes, I can hear the collective groan of everyone who is tired of hearing about my running, races, gnarly toenails, and aching muscles. So if you don't want to read about that you can skip to the bottom.
2014 was a year of firsts when it came to most of my life, running included. I ran more half marathons last year (4) and even did my first Full Marathon (the Honolulu Marathon). I joined the Half Fanatics. And I made some decisions as to where I wanted my running to take me. I want to go to Boston.
For 2015, my goals are simple. I will become more consistent in my training. If I want to get faster and stronger then I have to assume my coach knows her stuff and follow her directions. I don't expect to BQ this year but I do expect to move closer to that possibility. As for specific time goals, I hope to do a sub 2:15 half and a sub 5 marathon by the end of the year.
Let me quickly address my weight. It seems that every year, weight is a big issue for me. I lose some, then gain it back. This last year was no exception. I lost a ton (ok, 27 pounds) then gained most of it back during the transition to Hawaii. One thing I've discovered about myself is that if I focus on the number on the scale then I will give up pretty quickly. I fluctuate too much. So instead, this year I will focus simply on my physical abilities and how my clothes fit. No more weighing in. I know what I need to do and what I need to eat (or not eat!) in order to be healthy. This seems like a good time to get on that.
So, yeah. That's it. I have some other stuff that I also want to accomplish but this post is already way longer than I expected it to be so I will finish this now.
2015...ready or not, here I come!
