Starting over is so hard!

I've been thinking a lot about regret and failure.  I try really hard to not regret decisions made in my past but some days I really feel it.  I compare my insides to other's outsides.  I wonder what I could have done differently to get what I perceive as what others have.

I decided this morning that I wanted to start from now and really work on me and my attitude.  I miss feeling happy and sometimes have no idea why I don't.  I sabotage myself; in so many ways!  It's time to lift myself up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and be the person I want to be.  It may be a bit of "fake it till you make it" at first but without starting, I will get nowhere.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this is coming from being inside my head too much since I spent the last 10 days sick.  No running, not really leaving the house, and plenty of time to find my life unsatisfactory compared to what others choose to show the world.  I've always tried to share both the good and the bad but I know that not everyone does that.  Instead of envy and jealousy, I need to foster self-love, gratitude, and genuine happiness for the people in my life.

So, here's to the second half of 2019!  So much is happening (new job, finishing grad school, new home) and there is so much to be thankful for.  Consider this my official "I'm back!" post.  I will try to keep my commitment to myself (and my 1 follower:  Aloha Kate!) and share on a regular basis my challenges, triumphs, and escapades. 

I want to live this life, not just survive it.

Now, go hug someone just because.  And hydrate.

peace.

And so we begin (trigger warning for eating disorders)

Trigger warning for those who have issues with eating disorders.  You may want to skip this because I will be talking about mine.  J.



So, I wanted to post on Sunday but since I made a trade at work and ended up working 3 in a row I was just too tired.

I haven't been too lazy though!  I am slowly making my way back into the world of fitness and eating better.  The eating part isn't too difficult...I actually like healthy food and I'm content with an occasional treat.  My trick is to not keep the junk in the house.  Eventually, the craving passes.  When I do have a treat then I plan it and make sure there are no leftovers.  Sometimes T will bring home stuff but I try to ignore it.  

For the sake of transparency, I had a cookie last night.  The miracle was that I only had one and I was actually fine with that!

See, I have to be careful on how I handle my diet and my relationship with food.  I don't know when it started but one day I realized that I was hiding my food intake from family and friends.  I waited to eat until after T and B were in bed or left for work/school.  At work, if there were treats in the break room I wouldn't eat any if there was anyone there.  I ate a lot of fast food in the car.  By a lot I mean 3 meals in one sitting.  Enough to feel sick.

I alternated my secret binges with extreme healthy eating and tracking my food down to the teaspoon.

None of it was healthy and all of it made me feel horrible both mentally and physically.  Mix in there over exercising and setting unrealistic goals and you have my life for the last year or so.  I have what's called orthorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy; a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful.

It's taken me a couple months to adjust to not practicing my particular brand of Hell but I've slowly been crawling out of my hole and living a lifestyle that I am proud of most of the time.  It's not all puppies and rainbows but it's a lot healthier than it was before.  I'll save the how's for another post.  This one has gotten a little emotional for me, just writing it all out.

Here's this week's check in:  

I ran a total of 7 miles, some of them with my new running partner Dawn.  She is awesome and is helping me to stay accountable.

That's us :)

I've mostly been logging my food.  I missed yesterday but will start again tomorrow.  I've been on point with moderation.  I'm eating healthy but I'm allowing myself to have the occasional cookie or ice cream.  Life is too short, isn't it?

Today I started a work out program on the Jillian Michael's app.  It's called the Gauntlet.  I'll admit that I didn't even look at it because the name said to me that I was incapable of anything like that. But then she (Jillian) talked about it on her latest podcast.  It's a year long program that starts from the beginning level and progresses as you do.  The work out was hard today (I was only able to do a sit up with B sitting on my feet) but I did it!  I'm excited about progressing.  

I have a day one progress pic but I have been fighting with my phone, apple, itunes, and my laptop for hours and I give up.  It's dinner time.  I will post it on Saturday with my race pics!

peace <3

With a new start, comes new goals

So I swear that I didn't just post and run in March!  Life has been crazy but since things have calmed down, I am hoping to get into a rhythm of posting.  I'm aiming for once a week.

I also swear that I wasn't just talking smack.  I have actually started doing things to take care of myself better.  I meant it when I said I wanted to be healthier and I am really trying to do it the right way.

I still struggle with negative self-talk.  I think that may take awhile to give that up.  It's taken me my whole life to get to this place so I need to be patient with myself when it comes to what is going on in my head, too.

My goals for May are pretty simple:  

• Get started
• Set up accountability
• Be consistent

Simple, right?  So here's what I did to follow through on these 3 simple goals.

To get started, I picked up my bullet journal again.  I let it slip away while focusing on getting back into the swing of things at school but I'm back at it.  I scheduled time for my work outs, began meal planning weekly, and logged my measurements.  I'm not ready to share those with you yet but I'll get there.  Future posts will highlight my fitness tracking too :)

Accountability was fairly easy.  I found someone that I really enjoyed being with who was also looking for accountability and had similar goals as me.  My goal is weekly runs with her.  Tomorrow is our second week and I'm really excited about it.  

Consistency is probably my most difficult goal this month.  I'm great at planning but can be sketchy on the follow through.  I'm really trying to make it different this time.  

So this is what I've been up to the last few weeks.  Here's to new beginnings!

Peace <3

It's time to be kind

I've always thought of myself as a nice person but I've come to realize that I really am not a very nice person.  Oh, I'm kind to others, help when I can, lend an ear or a shoulder, and work really hard at not being judgmental.  I try to see things through other's eyes.  I have tremendous compassion for other people...

And then I look in a mirror.  Suddenly, that compassionate, kind, loving person is not there.  When it comes to how I treat myself, judge myself, and think of myself I am a bully.

It has to stop.  The bullying is killing me slowly.

I'm not sure how this change will occur, but I am working on it.  No more hiding.  No more negative self-talk.  More acceptance and love.

Are there things I need to change about myself?  Sure there are!  But I've come to understand that change does not have to come with hateful thoughts and feelings.  Change can come with love and kindness.  I'll even go so far as to say change made with hate is unsustainable while change made with kindness will last a lifetime. The effects of how I treat myself will then become ripples on a pond, affecting those around me.

I ask myself, "what do I want to teach my children? Especially, my daughters?"  If anyone bullied my kids the way I bully myself, there would be Hell to pay.  I want to teach my kids to stand up to bullies.  Especially when that bully is their own inner voice.  I want to teach them it can be done.  That they can love themselves while still wanting to make positive changes.

The first step is admitting there is a problem.  And that's what I am doing now.

peace <3

On being a grandma

I became a grandma again today for the third time.  As I look at the pictures my son has sent me I am so full of love for this little person that my heart feels like it will explode.  It is not something I ever expected back in the years before I had grandchildren, when my own children were little.

Don't get me wrong...I knew I'd love them when I got them.  I just had no idea on the intensity of feeling that would overwhelm me when I look at the children of my children.  I always thought I could never love anyone as much as I love my kids but I was wrong.  When I look at the grandchildren I have been blessed with, I realize that my children have given me such a beautiful and unexpected gift. 

I see my children in my grandchildren...along with bits and pieces of me, their dad, my parents, his parents...and so on...

I see the past in my grandchildren but, more importantly, I see the future.  As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how my children have grown right along with them.  Is there any greater blessing?

In this haze of grandmotherly pride there is a little part of me that realizes no one is perfect but that part is silenced when I look into the faces of my grandchildren and think...

THIS is perfection. 

Commitment

A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering.  I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru.  As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.

I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.

I am done allowing life to control me.  It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about.  Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings.  I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change.  Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.

Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!

J.

So, I've been thinking...

Which we all know is generally frowned upon and gets me nowhere...

Anyway, I kept thinking "as soon as I can get my act together and be consistent..." and "as soon as life calms down..." and " as soon as I have something relevant and inspiring to say..."

...Well you get the idea.  I've wanted to restart blogging for quite awhile.  I so often have a ton of stuff in my head that takes up too much space and, frankly, it helps me to write it all out.  So here I am, sitting here in my pj's, gearing up for a nap (nightshift, y'all, don't get judgy), and fighting off a raging cold.  I decided to just put it all out there (briefly, for now) and just...start.  I have no illusions that I'll be consistent (though I'm hoping I will) but I do think it may help my brain to be a bit more organized.

I also kind of hope that somewhere out there in the interwebz someone will say "yeah...I feel/think/hurt/am happy/am sad/agree/identify with that too!"  I can't be the ONLY weirdo can I??

So here are the bullet points that I will elaborate on later (nap time remember?):

• I am now permanent nights...which I love for the most part but sometimes I have trouble not being lazy about it.
• We are moving in less than a week.  Not far but moving still sucks!  I have not been holding up my side of the bargain and T is getting annoyed.  He's done most of the work.
• I have taken on the job of Clinical Instructor and that's taken up a lot of time this month.  I love it but the schedule was not something to write home about.
• I also applied for a per diem pediatric/PICU RN position...because, well, I'm not really BUSY, right?
• Then there is the ever present desire to lose weight while continuing to eat crap.  I know better but I'm not sure I can do better.  I'm disappointed in myself.
• Along the lines of feeling disappointed in (aka sorry for) myself, I am supposed to be marathon training. Just over 2 months until the race and I am way behind on where I should be. 

So there it is.  Not feeling very funny or entertaining this morning.  Just sad and tired and discouraged and real.  I thought about looking for an inspirational meme or funny picture but I just don't have the energy today.

This is my new start.  I hope you'll come along for the ride.