It's funny how things work out isn't it? I've been meaning to update this blog but life got away from me...moving 4000 miles will do that to you I guess. One of the things I promised myself for this year was to become more consistent in all areas of my life: running, parenting, health, personal and professional lives, and this blog. Some days I have so much going on inside my head and nowhere to put it. So, my dear readers, here I am.
A lot has happened since September when I last posted. Some bad, mostly good. We are finally beginning to feel settled in to our new home though we still have so much to learn about this awesome state we have have chosen to live in.
Today's post isn't about that though. Updates will have to wait because today is January 1st! The day for New Year's Resolutions!
Most of you who know me, know I really don't do the whole resolution thing. For me, it seems to set me up for massive failure every year. Usually by January 3rd.
So once again I proclaim this a no-resolution zone.
I will have attainable, measurable goals instead of pie in the sky wishes.
Now I know you are saying to yourselves, "it's all semantics. Goals are the same thing as resolutions." I don't believe that, though. I think that if I have goals that I can actually verbalize steps to achieve then I have more of a chance to get to where I want to go than if I just say "I want to be thin" or "I want to be successful" or even "I want to be loved".
I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone that other people can count on. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I also want to be the kind of person that I can be proud of being. I want to be healthier, stronger, less quick to hurt feelings, more forgiving and kind. I want to stop letting others actions hurt me. All of these things are changed by working from the inside out, the hardest kind of change (for me). A lot of it will involve simply keeping my mouth shut. Again, the hardest kind of change (for me). The painful process of letting others be who they are going to be is just something to get through. Hopefully, this will be the year where my acceptance muscles get stronger.
I hear you saying "wow, that's no fun". Nope, that stuff isn't fun. I take a lot of things personally that I really shouldn't (as anyone who knows me at all will agree to). For now, I will just keep my mouth shut and try to learn to process things in a way where I am not the center of the universe and the reason that everyone does what they do (for good or bad). It will be a struggle but I will trudge on.
I do, however, have some actual fun goals. Yes, running related. And yes, I can hear the collective groan of everyone who is tired of hearing about my running, races, gnarly toenails, and aching muscles. So if you don't want to read about that you can skip to the bottom.
2014 was a year of firsts when it came to most of my life, running included. I ran more half marathons last year (4) and even did my first Full Marathon (the Honolulu Marathon). I joined the Half Fanatics. And I made some decisions as to where I wanted my running to take me. I want to go to Boston.
For 2015, my goals are simple. I will become more consistent in my training. If I want to get faster and stronger then I have to assume my coach knows her stuff and follow her directions. I don't expect to BQ this year but I do expect to move closer to that possibility. As for specific time goals, I hope to do a sub 2:15 half and a sub 5 marathon by the end of the year.
Let me quickly address my weight. It seems that every year, weight is a big issue for me. I lose some, then gain it back. This last year was no exception. I lost a ton (ok, 27 pounds) then gained most of it back during the transition to Hawaii. One thing I've discovered about myself is that if I focus on the number on the scale then I will give up pretty quickly. I fluctuate too much. So instead, this year I will focus simply on my physical abilities and how my clothes fit. No more weighing in. I know what I need to do and what I need to eat (or not eat!) in order to be healthy. This seems like a good time to get on that.
So, yeah. That's it. I have some other stuff that I also want to accomplish but this post is already way longer than I expected it to be so I will finish this now.
2015...ready or not, here I come!
Today my youngest started Pre-K. She will only be going there for a month before we move but I wanted her to be able to spend some time with her friends and teachers from last year. It was bittersweet for me because it makes me sad that she will leave all these people who love her...even though I know she will make new friends and have new teachers who will love her wherever we end up.
She was really happy to be back :)
So now I'm at home, basically alone (T is sleeping). No excuses to not get my list started. Am I getting anything done? Not yet. I'm drinking my coffee and contemplating what it means that my youngest is now effectively out in the world.
It's an ending, sure, but it's also a beginning - for both of us. As she grows and blossoms into this amazing girl I get the privilege of walking with her and seeing this miracle. Seeing all that she discovers, seeing the world through her young not-cynical eyes is simply amazing. I never took the time to do that with my other kids; instead I remained too busy, too caught up in what I needed to do to get everyone through the day, week, month. I missed so much! I am determined not to make that same mistake.
While this isn't my first rodeo, I've never claimed to be a mom expert. Personally, I think we are all experts on our own children.
That said, I've noticed a disturbing trend in parenting lately. This over-thinking of every little thing we do as parents. Everyday in my Facebook feed I see articles on what we as parents are doing wrong. Then there are the sactimommy articles that tell us how they are better moms than the rest of us because of (fill in parenting rule here). Many times these articles imply that we suck as parents because we just don't care as much for our kids as the authors do.
Here's what I think after raising 4 fairly successful kids (2 in the Army, 1 catering manager, and 1 911 dispatcher): Sometimes we just need to relax. Now, those who know me know that I am the LEAST relaxed person on the face of the earth...or at least in the Midwest. I get anxious about everything, second guess myself, and drive T nuts when I am trying to make an informed decision.
The thing is, I am not that way when it comes to my parenting. My kids watched too much tv (B still does). I didn't enroll them in a ton of activities (who could afford it for so many kids?!). I yelled, a lot, and made threats I couldn't follow through on: "if you touch your sister again I will duct tape you to the wall".
I understand that this is a different world we're raising B in than it was when I raised my 4 older kids. It's not as safe. We know more about a lot of stuff. We have safer carseats, better helmets, and we are generally better informed about everything. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. What I do think is that society and "experts" are making it harder to parent instead of easier.
I don't read parenting books. I tried to and realized that all they did was make me feel like a failure. I compared my life to that non-existent ideal world that is generally portrayed in that type of thing. To be honest, I think those "experts" and books are what's messing up this up and coming generation.
Parenting is truly not that hard. Love them. Show them by your own behavior what it means to be a decent person. Teach them the consequences of their actions, even if it means being the "bad guy". And when it's time, let them go.
Some days B will watch too much tv because I am tired or need to get stuff done and that's ok. She survives on grilled cheese sandwiches because that's all she will eat, and that's ok. Sometimes she cries because I don't give her what she wants and that's ok, too.
In the end, I want all my kids to be strong, loving, tolerant, and hard-working adults. I may not get there like you do but that doesn't mean we won't all (mostly) get there. I just choose to enjoy my journey instead of feeling guilty about the choices I make.
As parents, especially moms, we should be building each other up instead of tearing each other down. One great thing about parenting today is the additional resource of the internet and the support and commiseration we can find there. Instead of using it as a way to feel superior to other moms, how about we just use it as a way to be there for each other during one of the easiest hardest times of our lives.
Yesterday at work was my first day of work where everyone is finding out that I am leaving. I had intended to keep a low profile and not talk about it too much because 1) I'm a little superstitious and 2) I don't want to tick people off again.
Plus, I get the inevitable "Again?"
Unfortunately for my plan to fly under the radar, people are curious and ask questions. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind sharing my news; I'm super excited about it! I just don't want to push it. T says that if they ask then it's OK to talk about it so I'm trying to stick to that rule.
It was a little emotional for me yesterday. I feel like I am saying good-bye in my head everywhere I go in the hospital. The one big downside to this move is leaving everyone behind. I think it really hit me yesterday when people told me how much they were going to miss me even though they were happy for us. I've known some of these people for 18 years and I can't imagine not having them in my day to day work life.
I have told everyone that our door will always be open and that I hope people will come visit but I know there will be few if any visits because it's so far away. That makes me sad.
I wish I could pack up everyone and bring them with me.
So, I cried yesterday. Twice. And once today. That doesn't mean that I'm not secure in our decision to go...it only means that I will miss all that I am leaving behind.
Today is another day of packing and searching for a shipping company. And errands. Always errands.
While I try to focus on all the positive in this move and not think about the sad parts.
Today was a banner day. I feel like we are on our way and at this moment, I'm not terrified.
I met with my boss today. I wanted to speak with her in person, before I officially gave notice. We've had our ups and downs but she is a good person who has really been there for me over the last year. I wanted her to know that I was not taking this job because I wasn't happy in my job or on the unit. I was going because it was an incredible opportunity for us. For me. I think she understood that. I hope she did.
She did tell me that if I ever wanted or needed to come back I would always have a job on the unit. Makes me feel good about my time there.
I also started packing! With 5 weeks to go before we leave, I'm really hoping to get it all done as quickly as possible. Unfortunately I just finished UNPACKING the last box from the original planned move. That's been the only irritant for me so far...repacking the stuff I just unpacked.
Tomorrow, the phone calls begin.
I think I need more lists.
Well, hello. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm dusting off this blog without having read the old posts; it was a rough time and now I'd like to focus on the now. And, dare I say, the future.
In case you are wondering, things did not turn out the way I would have made them turn out if I'd had any say. But now I can honestly say that the way things turned out was exactly how they were supposed to.
I will probably elaborate in a future post but right now I really don't want to get into specifics...mainly because I feel pretty good about where we are today and where we are headed. Those of you who know me know that it was a rough year and a half. It's over now, though, and time to move on to better and brighter things.
So let me tell you how this story begins...
A few months ago I was bored and surfing the net. I wasn't specifically looking for anything but, as I always do, I checked out jobs in Hawaii. It had become a way to fantasize about what could have been and what never would be after all was said and done.
It wasn't that I was really unhappy...I loved my job and the people I worked with. I was happier than I'd ever been in my marriage, though I wished T didn't have to work nights. Things were good, aside from being perpetually tired from picking up extra shifts.
Anyway, as I looked at the available jobs at the hospital in Hawaii that I'd tried to get into for 6 years I saw that there were 2 that I was qualified for: a staff nurse in PICU and a transport nurse position. I stared at those 2 job postings and thought: What the Hell.
And I applied.
I thought no more about it after that. I knew they would never contact me. After all, I'd applied and applied, taken all sorts of tests, even spoken to HR and unit directors...all to no avail.
2 weeks later I received an email telling me that I was required to take some pre-interview tests. I laughed to myself; I'd already taken every test in the system and passed them with flying colors. T wanted me to call them but I just kept putting it off. I knew that it would be just like all the other times.
After a few weeks of T pestering me about it and getting increasingly annoyed with me, I called. Mainly to get him off my back about it. Being constantly rejected by them really did a number on my ego. When I called I was told that I didn't need to take any tests since I'd taken them and they would forward my application on to the appropriate department heads.
Right.
I then promptly forgot about it.
After all, I had a vacation to plan and a thousand other things that needed my attention.
Until last week.
As I watched TV and played Facebook after a long day at work, the phone rang. I glanced down, expecting to ignore it, to be honest. But caller ID said "Hawaii, US". It really didn't occur to me that it would be the Hospital. I thought it was the hotel we had booked for our vacation next month so I answered it.
And there I was being asked if I was still interested in a job I'd applied for months ago. A job I'd coveted for years.
After a 45 minute phone call I was ecstatic. I really thought it had gone well. Really well. The hope that suddenly blossomed in my heart scared me to death. I was afraid to get my hopes up.
After 6 long days I couldn't stand it anymore and I called the director who had interviewed me. Of course I got voice mail. She did call me back but I had already had to gone to bed. A 6 hour time difference really makes it hard to communicate sometimes! We agreed that I'd call back the next day after work.
So I called. And got voice mail. Story of my life, right?
But then something happened.
Human resources called and officially offered me a position in the PICU. My dream job in a dream place.
So this morning I accepted. And now the adventure begins.
After finally coming up for air after a very busy holiday season (both personally and professionally), I feel like it's time for the first post of the new year. I've spent a lot of time lately, as most of us do, reflecting on the past year and what it meant to me. I find it very difficult, however, to really put words to how I feel about it all. There are so many feelings that I go through on a daily basis and sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. Or at least my brand of normal.
I've taken matters into my own hands lately with my 100 day challenge. It feels good. It feels good to push myself again. It feels good when my daughter tries to copy what I'm doing and asks "when are we going to work out today Mommy?" It feels good when my husband, T, does not question me when I come home from work and get on the Dreadmill before anything else. He just asks "how far did you go today?" and tells me how great I'm doing. And that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what my opinion is about how I look.
My house isn't as clean as I'd like it and my laundry is waiting to be folded. Princess B is still a sassy pants a lot of the time. Many days (too many!) I only see my husband in passing as I get home from work and he leaves for work. But there is a new feeling in my house. As I do more to keep myself in balance, our home seems more in balance. It certainly gives credence to the saying "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
I've had to make a lot of changes over the last 9 months or so. This newest one, taking better care of myself, is hard but so very important. For too long, I've put myself on the back burner, trying to keep everything and everyone together while I fall apart. surprisingly (probably only to me), taking care of me has helped keep everyone else together better than my falling apart has.
So here's to a better year. There are so many possibilities this year. I can't wait to see what new adventures await.
Peace ☮
p.s. if you'd like to see my 100 days of moving challenge blog here is the address: http://100daysofmoving.blogspot.com/
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