Yes, It's Been Awhile

I make no excuses...life just sometimes gets away from me.  I hope my 2 followers will forgive me :)

The planning and packing for the move is steadily moving forward.  I have officially put in notice at work (my last day is April 25th) and I've been gathering all the information needed to start as a travel nurse in Hawaii.  To say I am not a bit nervous would be a lie...I'm bordering on terrified some days.  I want this to work and to make this move not only fun and adventurous but also successful.  I keep telling myself that I'd rather do it and fail then to regret not doing it but it is still so scary to pick up and go so far away, into a fairly uncertain future.  It has definately kicked up my anxiety a notch!

So, let's see...where exactly are we in the process?  Well, as I said, I've turned in notice and am registered with a nurse travel agency.  Half the hotel reservations for our epic cross country adventure are made.  I'm on the verge of reserving a Hawaiian condo (waiting on a return email).  The movers have been booked.  And I've started packing.

I've discovered something while packing.  Something my family has probably known for years.  I am a mini-hoarder.  I have a lot of trouble letting go of things because I attach meaning to them.  Sometimes it's very personal, like the things I have of Joey's.  My love for him is so attached to his things that I have found it literally impossible to let any of his things go.  Other things are more tied to my past and are a bit more complicated to explain.

I was going through the stuff in the dining room today.  Stuff like large bowls, bakeware, serving dishes...stuff you rarely use but when you do, you don't want to have to go out and buy it.  I found myself feeling irrationally angry that I really should just leave this stuff behind and get stuff there as I need it.  It's silly really since I generally only use that stuff on holidays and, since we will be so far away, it is doubtful I'll need all the large stuff for just the three of us.

As I'm typing this, I'm having a little "aha!" moment.  Maybe that's the whole point.  It will only be the three of us and rarely will the other kids be with us and probably never all at the same time.  Letting go of my huge salad bowl has somehow tied itself to letting go of my children, something I really don't want to do.

I didn't set out to have an epiphany while writing this...it just sort of happened, didn't it?  I have an awful lot to process now...

It's Really Happening

All of a sudden, things seem to be moving fast and yesterday was a really big day for us.

We made our first two hotel reservations for our zig-zaggy trip across the country!  I'm both excited and terrified.  On the one hand, I just want to get this show on the road but on the other hand it is moving too fast and I feel like I have too much to do in too little time.  I look around at our very full house and wonder how I'm going to get rid of all the stuff we aren't taking.

Let the purging begin!

The other thing stressing me out is that I am having breakfast with my medical director today to tell her I am leaving.  This doc is more than my director...she was Joey's doctor and she is my friend.  Her opinion means the world to me and I know she is not going to be happy we are leaving.  Once I tell her then I can put in my notice.  Another scary thing!

On a side note, another big thing happened yesterday... well big to me, anyway.  I got fitted for my new running shoes and am officially back on the road.  Today I have a run planned... not sure how far but I'm excited at the prospect of getting outside and tuning out for awhile.  I need my stress relief more than ever.

Time to get ready to go.  Wish me luck, blogger land (specifically my 2 followers Megan and Kate!).

Peace.

Intimacy

Lately I've been thinking a lot about intimacy and what it really means.  Most people will automatically think of sex as the definition but really intimacy is so much more than that and can even exist where there isn't any sex.  When googling images of intimacy I got A LOT of naked pictures but I also got pictures of moms with babies and couples holding hands.

Dictionary.com defines intimacy as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group" however it's often used in its sexual context nowadays.  I sometimes think that misconception is part of the problem of lack of intimacy in some relationships.

Let me tell you what intimacy means to me.  It means trusting the other person to really listen to what you are saying.  It means knowing there is someone else in this world that you can count on no matter what.  It is someone to laugh with, cry with, be silly with, be quiet with.  It means that even if that person doesn't understand where you are coming from, they try to.  If they still can't understand, they just accept you anyway.  It is a safe place to rest your heart.

 

 

Intimacy isn't always about men and women, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife (or various other couple designations).  It is about family and friends, parents and their children, and even people and their pets.  Sometimes one can experience intimacy with a total stranger.

 

Everyone needs intimacy.  I think the world would be a better place if more people truly knew what it was and if it was a part of their lives.  I know that right now, it's lacking in mine and I am unhappy.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to do about that.

 

Peace.



What's new in 2013

I have always hated the phrase "New Year's Resolutions".  It seems to beg that we (meaning me) make a bunch of lofty statements that we (again meaning me) have really no intention of following through on.

Instead, I choose to set goals.  Things that are actually measureable, have actual steps, and that, even if not totally realized, can still be seen as growth if I actually work towards them.  I don't necessarily fail if I don't meet my goals as long as I am still somewhere in the process of attaining them.  At least in my own head that's how it works.

So what are my goals this year?  I have several that I've actually already been working on and that will hopefully become reality this year.

1. Weight:  I would like to drop the weight I gained since my injury.  Specifically:  25# by May 1st.
2. Running:  Rebuild my running base.  Slowly, through January and February then for March I'd like to run 100 miles during the month.
3. Races:  Indy Mini in May.  Honolulu Marathon in December.
4. School:  Graduate!
5. Organization:  Clear out 1 room a week.  By "clear out" I mean sort, pack, and down-size.  Starting with the storage room in the master bedroom.
6. Hawaii move:  There are so many steps that are ongoing that it's going to take more than a bullet point to list them!  Planning is over, now it's time to get into action.
7. Communication:  I want to work on better communication skills with both my children and my husband.  I'm not sure how to accomplish that yet but I'm working on it.

I have a busy year ahead of me.  I'm excited and scared and can't wait to move on to this new adventure!

Peace!

The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.

A new year means a new start

In a few short hours it is going to be 2013.  To some, it's no big deal, just another year.  To others, including yours truly, when the clock strikes midnight it will mean that not only is it a new year but also the dawning of a new era.  A year in which there will be many changes, hopefully for the good.  This is my year for true Mommy Misadventures!

In 2013, I am going waaaay outside my comfort zone (along with going outside my timezone).  The girl who hates change will be making one of the biggest changes of her life.  To say I wasn't apprehensive would be a lie...I'm pretty scared.  Last New Year's Eve, I was full of plans for 2012, most of which ended up getting derailed because I have no grace.  I missed races, was (and still am) unable to run, and gained weight back that I thought was lost forever.  Most of the summer was spent injured and taking care of a husband who battled numerous kidney stones.  And the best part of the year was entering that new and wonderful phase of life called peri-menopause (can you feel the sarcasm dripping off the page??).

This coming year is going to be different.

I can see you all (all meaning my 1 follower... hi Katie!!) shaking your heads and smirking.  I have found that God tends to have a sense of humor and answers my prayers and plans with His idea of how it should be.  So, how will this year be different?

I'll tell you how.  I will be different.  It's only taken me 47 years to figure out that the only thing I can change is me... and how I react to the situations (and people) in my life.  Instead of reacting, I plan to act.  I may not be able to control anything else around me but I can certainly control my own emotions and attitudes.

Tomorrow I plan on setting some specific goals for myself.  As of right now I just know in my heart that I want to be a better person.  I know I can get there.

For now, I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year.  Hug someone special.  Smile at a stranger.

Peace

Life Goes On

I love Christmas, I really do.  It seems like a magical time of year to me.  People seem kinder, they smile more, hold doors open, say "excuse me".  Yes, I know there are those who are scroogie (yes, it's a word if I say it's a word) but I think you'll agree that for the most part people are generally moved by the Christmas spirit this time of year.

This Christmas has seemed especially hard for a lot of people.  There have been a lot of deaths, from the 27 victims in CT to the 2 firefighters in NY.  On Christmas day, I started my day responding to a full arrest of a 7 day old baby boy.  As I held 2 of his 4 siblings in my arms and listened to them sob and ask "why?" while their parents cried uncontrollably I knew that Christmas would never be magical to them again.  Instead it would be a time of loss and hurt.

I went home last night and held Princess B for a long time.  She seemed to sense that I needed this and snuggled up close and let me hold her instead of wiggling away to the next activity.  After a few minutes she looked up at me, put her hands on my cheeks and said "I love you Mommy". 

As I said, I love Christmas.  I am, however, really glad it's over now.  I'm excited about getting my house back and moving on with our plans and now that Christmas is over...let the packing begin!

We are now in the sorting phase.  What to keep, what to store, and what to give up.  It doesn't seem like it would be that hard, does it?  Well, let me tell you, it is.  I know the rule is supposed to be if you haven't used it in a year get rid of it, right?  It is just not that cut and dried.  To me, my stuff is a tangible part of my memories.  I think that as a result of not feeling loved for a lot of my growing up years I have instead attached meaning to stuff.  A lot of stuff, unfortunately.  I'm like a baby hoarder who could grow up to be a full-fledged hoarder if I am not careful.  I just don't know how to throw away my dead son's clothes or all my children's baby blankets...the blankets I wrapped them in when they got up to eat in the middle of the night.  Or the artwork they made at school.  I'm just as bad with stuff that chronicles my relationship with my husband.  Ticket stubs, dried flowers, t-shirts, stuffed animals...you get the idea.  It's not like I don't have a daily reminder of how awesome he is but I still can't seem to let go.

I'm working very hard to overcome this issue.  I don't want to start our new chapter in life feeling cluttered or messy.  Down-sizing is the word of the day.

I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this.  I have a lot of words that I haven't had time to get out lately.  Now that we are moving forward, I'm hoping that I will be able to be more consistent here.

The plan for today:  Take down the tree, get out to the gym, play with my kid. 

Go hug someone.  Peace!