A new year means a new start

In a few short hours it is going to be 2013.  To some, it's no big deal, just another year.  To others, including yours truly, when the clock strikes midnight it will mean that not only is it a new year but also the dawning of a new era.  A year in which there will be many changes, hopefully for the good.  This is my year for true Mommy Misadventures!

In 2013, I am going waaaay outside my comfort zone (along with going outside my timezone).  The girl who hates change will be making one of the biggest changes of her life.  To say I wasn't apprehensive would be a lie...I'm pretty scared.  Last New Year's Eve, I was full of plans for 2012, most of which ended up getting derailed because I have no grace.  I missed races, was (and still am) unable to run, and gained weight back that I thought was lost forever.  Most of the summer was spent injured and taking care of a husband who battled numerous kidney stones.  And the best part of the year was entering that new and wonderful phase of life called peri-menopause (can you feel the sarcasm dripping off the page??).

This coming year is going to be different.

I can see you all (all meaning my 1 follower... hi Katie!!) shaking your heads and smirking.  I have found that God tends to have a sense of humor and answers my prayers and plans with His idea of how it should be.  So, how will this year be different?

I'll tell you how.  I will be different.  It's only taken me 47 years to figure out that the only thing I can change is me... and how I react to the situations (and people) in my life.  Instead of reacting, I plan to act.  I may not be able to control anything else around me but I can certainly control my own emotions and attitudes.

Tomorrow I plan on setting some specific goals for myself.  As of right now I just know in my heart that I want to be a better person.  I know I can get there.

For now, I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year.  Hug someone special.  Smile at a stranger.

Peace

Life Goes On

I love Christmas, I really do.  It seems like a magical time of year to me.  People seem kinder, they smile more, hold doors open, say "excuse me".  Yes, I know there are those who are scroogie (yes, it's a word if I say it's a word) but I think you'll agree that for the most part people are generally moved by the Christmas spirit this time of year.

This Christmas has seemed especially hard for a lot of people.  There have been a lot of deaths, from the 27 victims in CT to the 2 firefighters in NY.  On Christmas day, I started my day responding to a full arrest of a 7 day old baby boy.  As I held 2 of his 4 siblings in my arms and listened to them sob and ask "why?" while their parents cried uncontrollably I knew that Christmas would never be magical to them again.  Instead it would be a time of loss and hurt.

I went home last night and held Princess B for a long time.  She seemed to sense that I needed this and snuggled up close and let me hold her instead of wiggling away to the next activity.  After a few minutes she looked up at me, put her hands on my cheeks and said "I love you Mommy". 

As I said, I love Christmas.  I am, however, really glad it's over now.  I'm excited about getting my house back and moving on with our plans and now that Christmas is over...let the packing begin!

We are now in the sorting phase.  What to keep, what to store, and what to give up.  It doesn't seem like it would be that hard, does it?  Well, let me tell you, it is.  I know the rule is supposed to be if you haven't used it in a year get rid of it, right?  It is just not that cut and dried.  To me, my stuff is a tangible part of my memories.  I think that as a result of not feeling loved for a lot of my growing up years I have instead attached meaning to stuff.  A lot of stuff, unfortunately.  I'm like a baby hoarder who could grow up to be a full-fledged hoarder if I am not careful.  I just don't know how to throw away my dead son's clothes or all my children's baby blankets...the blankets I wrapped them in when they got up to eat in the middle of the night.  Or the artwork they made at school.  I'm just as bad with stuff that chronicles my relationship with my husband.  Ticket stubs, dried flowers, t-shirts, stuffed animals...you get the idea.  It's not like I don't have a daily reminder of how awesome he is but I still can't seem to let go.

I'm working very hard to overcome this issue.  I don't want to start our new chapter in life feeling cluttered or messy.  Down-sizing is the word of the day.

I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this.  I have a lot of words that I haven't had time to get out lately.  Now that we are moving forward, I'm hoping that I will be able to be more consistent here.

The plan for today:  Take down the tree, get out to the gym, play with my kid. 

Go hug someone.  Peace!

An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!

Election Day

All I have to say today is GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Peace

Post Op day 1

Well, I survived.  Yesterday, I was feeling ok, I had an anesthetic block on my foot so it was only a little sore.  This morning, however, was a different story entirely.

The block had worn off by the time I got up and I must have stepped wrong because I had such bad pain that I literally burst into tears.  That is just not me.  I scared Princess B and ever since she's been telling me "it'll be ok mommy!".  I don't think she is actually telling me, though, I think she is telling herself.

The doc has since upped my pain meds and that seems to be working so far.  I'm not getting much homework done but I sure did get a lot pinned on Pinterest!

A more thoughtful post will be forthcoming when I am better able to be coherent.  Until then, I will watch ND football and snack on game food that my step-mom was kind enough to cook for us.

Peace!

Thoughtful today

It's amazing how many thoughts can run through one's head on the day of surgery.   Yes, today is the day and, quite frankly, I am scared.  I can tell myself all day that it's a simple surgery and that I have a good doctor but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.  

The problem with being a nurse is that you know too much.  You know what can go wrong, even under the best of circumstances.  My mind keeps circling around the fact that I'm not just scared, I am terrified.  I have so much still left to be done and I am scared that I will lose that today.

I will admit, I am anxious in even the best of times, worried when things are going well that somehow I will jinx it and it will all go to Hell in a hand basket (sidenote:  what the heck does that even mean?!  I must google it!).  I spend so much time worrying that I am not able to enjoy and be happy a lot of the time.  I'm working on that but it's so so hard to live in the moment and not worry about the what ifs when some of those what ifs have already happened in life.

Anyway, here is the message I would like to convey today:  Don't let your lives be ruled by the what ifs.  It is exhausting, to say the least.  Plan for the future, but enjoy the moment.  Let the people you love know it!  Be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Let go of the things that hurt or anger you.  In the end, you won't regret doing any of those things but you may regret it if you don't do them.

p.s.  Going to Hell in a handbasket:  to be rapidly deteriorating - on course for disaster.

full story here:  Going to Hell in a handbasket

Is it ever possible?

Is it ever possible to find a place in this world where one can be one's self?  I have been finding lately that it is much easier for me to be silent than to be myself, make jokes, be angry or hurt... or whatever I'm feeling...than it is to share with people.  I offend when I don't mean to or become the bad guy when I try to help.  Even with my family and friends, the people I'm supposed to be able to be open with.  In the end, I end up feeling rotten and alone.

Case in point.  A nurse at work made a mistake.  Not a big mistake but something that needed to be corrected.  I took her aside to tell her the right way to do it and she cried.  I made her cry.  I didn't mean to and I thought I was being nice.  I went home feeling like the meanest person in the world.

I can't tell my grown kids when they hurt me without being the bad guy.  I can't talk to my husband about things that are bothering me because he doesn't see it as I do.  I can't joke with my friends to blow off steam because then I am insensitive.

So I will sit quietly.  Keep what I think and feel to myself.  Eventually, it won't matter anymore.