Intimacy

Lately I've been thinking a lot about intimacy and what it really means.  Most people will automatically think of sex as the definition but really intimacy is so much more than that and can even exist where there isn't any sex.  When googling images of intimacy I got A LOT of naked pictures but I also got pictures of moms with babies and couples holding hands.

Dictionary.com defines intimacy as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group" however it's often used in its sexual context nowadays.  I sometimes think that misconception is part of the problem of lack of intimacy in some relationships.

Let me tell you what intimacy means to me.  It means trusting the other person to really listen to what you are saying.  It means knowing there is someone else in this world that you can count on no matter what.  It is someone to laugh with, cry with, be silly with, be quiet with.  It means that even if that person doesn't understand where you are coming from, they try to.  If they still can't understand, they just accept you anyway.  It is a safe place to rest your heart.

 

 

Intimacy isn't always about men and women, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife (or various other couple designations).  It is about family and friends, parents and their children, and even people and their pets.  Sometimes one can experience intimacy with a total stranger.

 

Everyone needs intimacy.  I think the world would be a better place if more people truly knew what it was and if it was a part of their lives.  I know that right now, it's lacking in mine and I am unhappy.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to do about that.

 

Peace.



What's new in 2013

I have always hated the phrase "New Year's Resolutions".  It seems to beg that we (meaning me) make a bunch of lofty statements that we (again meaning me) have really no intention of following through on.

Instead, I choose to set goals.  Things that are actually measureable, have actual steps, and that, even if not totally realized, can still be seen as growth if I actually work towards them.  I don't necessarily fail if I don't meet my goals as long as I am still somewhere in the process of attaining them.  At least in my own head that's how it works.

So what are my goals this year?  I have several that I've actually already been working on and that will hopefully become reality this year.

1. Weight:  I would like to drop the weight I gained since my injury.  Specifically:  25# by May 1st.
2. Running:  Rebuild my running base.  Slowly, through January and February then for March I'd like to run 100 miles during the month.
3. Races:  Indy Mini in May.  Honolulu Marathon in December.
4. School:  Graduate!
5. Organization:  Clear out 1 room a week.  By "clear out" I mean sort, pack, and down-size.  Starting with the storage room in the master bedroom.
6. Hawaii move:  There are so many steps that are ongoing that it's going to take more than a bullet point to list them!  Planning is over, now it's time to get into action.
7. Communication:  I want to work on better communication skills with both my children and my husband.  I'm not sure how to accomplish that yet but I'm working on it.

I have a busy year ahead of me.  I'm excited and scared and can't wait to move on to this new adventure!

Peace!

The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.

A new year means a new start

In a few short hours it is going to be 2013.  To some, it's no big deal, just another year.  To others, including yours truly, when the clock strikes midnight it will mean that not only is it a new year but also the dawning of a new era.  A year in which there will be many changes, hopefully for the good.  This is my year for true Mommy Misadventures!

In 2013, I am going waaaay outside my comfort zone (along with going outside my timezone).  The girl who hates change will be making one of the biggest changes of her life.  To say I wasn't apprehensive would be a lie...I'm pretty scared.  Last New Year's Eve, I was full of plans for 2012, most of which ended up getting derailed because I have no grace.  I missed races, was (and still am) unable to run, and gained weight back that I thought was lost forever.  Most of the summer was spent injured and taking care of a husband who battled numerous kidney stones.  And the best part of the year was entering that new and wonderful phase of life called peri-menopause (can you feel the sarcasm dripping off the page??).

This coming year is going to be different.

I can see you all (all meaning my 1 follower... hi Katie!!) shaking your heads and smirking.  I have found that God tends to have a sense of humor and answers my prayers and plans with His idea of how it should be.  So, how will this year be different?

I'll tell you how.  I will be different.  It's only taken me 47 years to figure out that the only thing I can change is me... and how I react to the situations (and people) in my life.  Instead of reacting, I plan to act.  I may not be able to control anything else around me but I can certainly control my own emotions and attitudes.

Tomorrow I plan on setting some specific goals for myself.  As of right now I just know in my heart that I want to be a better person.  I know I can get there.

For now, I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year.  Hug someone special.  Smile at a stranger.

Peace

Life Goes On

I love Christmas, I really do.  It seems like a magical time of year to me.  People seem kinder, they smile more, hold doors open, say "excuse me".  Yes, I know there are those who are scroogie (yes, it's a word if I say it's a word) but I think you'll agree that for the most part people are generally moved by the Christmas spirit this time of year.

This Christmas has seemed especially hard for a lot of people.  There have been a lot of deaths, from the 27 victims in CT to the 2 firefighters in NY.  On Christmas day, I started my day responding to a full arrest of a 7 day old baby boy.  As I held 2 of his 4 siblings in my arms and listened to them sob and ask "why?" while their parents cried uncontrollably I knew that Christmas would never be magical to them again.  Instead it would be a time of loss and hurt.

I went home last night and held Princess B for a long time.  She seemed to sense that I needed this and snuggled up close and let me hold her instead of wiggling away to the next activity.  After a few minutes she looked up at me, put her hands on my cheeks and said "I love you Mommy". 

As I said, I love Christmas.  I am, however, really glad it's over now.  I'm excited about getting my house back and moving on with our plans and now that Christmas is over...let the packing begin!

We are now in the sorting phase.  What to keep, what to store, and what to give up.  It doesn't seem like it would be that hard, does it?  Well, let me tell you, it is.  I know the rule is supposed to be if you haven't used it in a year get rid of it, right?  It is just not that cut and dried.  To me, my stuff is a tangible part of my memories.  I think that as a result of not feeling loved for a lot of my growing up years I have instead attached meaning to stuff.  A lot of stuff, unfortunately.  I'm like a baby hoarder who could grow up to be a full-fledged hoarder if I am not careful.  I just don't know how to throw away my dead son's clothes or all my children's baby blankets...the blankets I wrapped them in when they got up to eat in the middle of the night.  Or the artwork they made at school.  I'm just as bad with stuff that chronicles my relationship with my husband.  Ticket stubs, dried flowers, t-shirts, stuffed animals...you get the idea.  It's not like I don't have a daily reminder of how awesome he is but I still can't seem to let go.

I'm working very hard to overcome this issue.  I don't want to start our new chapter in life feeling cluttered or messy.  Down-sizing is the word of the day.

I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this.  I have a lot of words that I haven't had time to get out lately.  Now that we are moving forward, I'm hoping that I will be able to be more consistent here.

The plan for today:  Take down the tree, get out to the gym, play with my kid. 

Go hug someone.  Peace!

An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!

Election Day

All I have to say today is GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Peace