An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!

Election Day

All I have to say today is GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Peace

Post Op day 1

Well, I survived.  Yesterday, I was feeling ok, I had an anesthetic block on my foot so it was only a little sore.  This morning, however, was a different story entirely.

The block had worn off by the time I got up and I must have stepped wrong because I had such bad pain that I literally burst into tears.  That is just not me.  I scared Princess B and ever since she's been telling me "it'll be ok mommy!".  I don't think she is actually telling me, though, I think she is telling herself.

The doc has since upped my pain meds and that seems to be working so far.  I'm not getting much homework done but I sure did get a lot pinned on Pinterest!

A more thoughtful post will be forthcoming when I am better able to be coherent.  Until then, I will watch ND football and snack on game food that my step-mom was kind enough to cook for us.

Peace!

Thoughtful today

It's amazing how many thoughts can run through one's head on the day of surgery.   Yes, today is the day and, quite frankly, I am scared.  I can tell myself all day that it's a simple surgery and that I have a good doctor but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.  

The problem with being a nurse is that you know too much.  You know what can go wrong, even under the best of circumstances.  My mind keeps circling around the fact that I'm not just scared, I am terrified.  I have so much still left to be done and I am scared that I will lose that today.

I will admit, I am anxious in even the best of times, worried when things are going well that somehow I will jinx it and it will all go to Hell in a hand basket (sidenote:  what the heck does that even mean?!  I must google it!).  I spend so much time worrying that I am not able to enjoy and be happy a lot of the time.  I'm working on that but it's so so hard to live in the moment and not worry about the what ifs when some of those what ifs have already happened in life.

Anyway, here is the message I would like to convey today:  Don't let your lives be ruled by the what ifs.  It is exhausting, to say the least.  Plan for the future, but enjoy the moment.  Let the people you love know it!  Be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Let go of the things that hurt or anger you.  In the end, you won't regret doing any of those things but you may regret it if you don't do them.

p.s.  Going to Hell in a handbasket:  to be rapidly deteriorating - on course for disaster.

full story here:  Going to Hell in a handbasket

Is it ever possible?

Is it ever possible to find a place in this world where one can be one's self?  I have been finding lately that it is much easier for me to be silent than to be myself, make jokes, be angry or hurt... or whatever I'm feeling...than it is to share with people.  I offend when I don't mean to or become the bad guy when I try to help.  Even with my family and friends, the people I'm supposed to be able to be open with.  In the end, I end up feeling rotten and alone.

Case in point.  A nurse at work made a mistake.  Not a big mistake but something that needed to be corrected.  I took her aside to tell her the right way to do it and she cried.  I made her cry.  I didn't mean to and I thought I was being nice.  I went home feeling like the meanest person in the world.

I can't tell my grown kids when they hurt me without being the bad guy.  I can't talk to my husband about things that are bothering me because he doesn't see it as I do.  I can't joke with my friends to blow off steam because then I am insensitive.

So I will sit quietly.  Keep what I think and feel to myself.  Eventually, it won't matter anymore.

A reminder of myself

A friend of mine reminded me tonight who I really am and what I can do when I put my mind to it.  I've been so overwhelmed with stuff happening "to" me that I'd forgotten that I really do have control... over how I react to the world and the stuff that sometimes just seems to bury me.  Sometimes someone will say something at just the right time and a light bulb will go on.

See these medals?

I earned those.  With a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.  Literally.  It seems like a lifetime ago but it was really over the last 2 years, the last one being in May.  I may be sidelined now with my injury but I WILL get back to my old self again.

See the sign on the shelf?  My daughter was just under 2 when my husband made that sign to cheer me on at the Disneyland Half Marathon last year.  Now, when I run on my Dreadmill she stands next to me shouting "go mommy, go mommy!".  My Princess B believes in me and who am I to let her down?

So, thank you Dawn, for reminding me of what I have inside of me.  I know you didn't intend that with your simple questions but that's what you accomplished.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3

Peace.

Transitions

Until recently, I'd never really thought of all the transitions that we, as people, go through during our lifetime.  Sometimes we call them milestones, turning points, or achievements but it pretty much means the same thing: change.

I've never been a big fan of change, of any kind.  I tend to mourn the passing of time for the same reason a toddler doesn't want to nap... I'm afraid I'm missing something.  Instead of looking for the beauty and adventure in the newest phase of my life, I become incredibly sad about leaving behind the current phase.

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, reflecting on the things I did or didn't do...and how many times my life has changed dramatically.  From birth, we grow and change, at first on a daily basis.  As we get past the infant, toddler, and preschool phases that growth slows down.  I'd always thought of those phases as being the most dramatic changes but as I've gotten older, I've changed my mind.

As an adult, I've experienced major changes many times.  I married, had kids, moved across country twice, had my heart broken when I lost my boys, divorced, started a career, went back to school as an "older" adult, remarried, started a second career, and had another child at an "advanced" age.  Now I find that I am again transitioning into a new time of my life while continuing to remain in the old one.  It is quite unsettling and isolating.

I feel like no one really understands why I feel the way I do.  I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because of the reasons I am sad.  By that I mean why I feel isolated and not a part of any group or able to really open up and lean on the people I call my friends.

See, I belong to a unique (and dare I say, elite?) group of older moms of toddlers.  By older I don't mean in my 30's.  Heck no, they are mere amateurs!  I had Princess B when I was 44...6 weeks after my first grandson was born.  So if you do the math (and I know you were...), I am 47 years old.  I am approaching menopause and I am pretty sure my child bearing days are over.  Now, my friends who are my age are puzzled by my feelings of loss and tell me on a daily basis that they don't have any idea how I could possibly keep up with a 3 year old.  I get a lot of "better you than me!" comments...which, if you think about it, is kind of rude.

On the flip side, the moms I know who have kids Princess B's age are significantly younger and are still expanding their families.  While I am extremely happy for them, it is also extremely difficult for me to hear about getting pregnant.  It hurts, sometimes like a kick in the gut, to know that I am done.  It is not their fault that they are younger and still in that stage of life.  It's not their fault that I am past that now and am having trouble adjusting to it.  And because it is not their fault, I don't want to share with them how I feel, even though they are some of my closest friends.  Or maybe it's because they are some of my closest friends.  I don't want to make them feel badly or like they can't talk about it.

I know that I am extremely blessed.  I have 5 beautiful children.  I'm (mostly) healthy.  I'm married to a good man.  I have a job I love.  I'm getting ready to embark on a huge adventure.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

I will get past this.  I will eventually embrace this new time in my life and get back to enjoying the simple act of living in the moment.  Longing for the past is as bad as wishing time away...it takes us away from all that is beautiful in the present.

Peace!