Friendship

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship.  I see people around me who seem to be able to make friends easily and I am so envious of them.  It has never been easy for me to make friends but never in my life have I struggled like I do now.  As a result, I either find myself holding back from people and becoming a bystander or trusting too much too quickly and allowing my feelings to get hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I do have friends.  Women I'm friendly with, gossip with, laugh with, and even go out for the occasional coffee or drink with.  I even consider my husband my best friend.  What I miss is that friend that you can look at and just KNOW what they are thinking, where jokes with them make no sense to anyone else.  The friend that you turn to when your world is falling apart.  They've seen your ugly side and it doesn't matter. The one who truly "gets" you.

I know this type of friendship is possible because I see it around me but I've not found it for myself.  I don't know if it is something I'm doing wrong or not doing at all.  All I know is that it is a lonely feeling to feel like there is no one really out there for you.

I don't mean in any way to minimize the friendships I do have.  I have several amazing women in my life and I am very grateful for them.  I think they understand what I mean when I talk about that one friend, though, that is more than a friend.  The women I'm friends with all seem to have one of those and I am so happy for them.  I just want it for myself too.

So, to the special women in my life, thank you.

 

I hope this post came across the way I wanted it to.  I feel very fragile and alone right now but I am very lucky to have the friends I do have.  I realize that.  Sometimes, though, I think it would be wonderful to have that "sister from another mister".

 

 

 

Let's Lighten Up!

We don't fight much in our house anymore.  We generally have the normal couple spats that end quickly, much like many other couples do.  After nearly 10 years of marriage and 14 years together we have learned to pick our battles and to compromise, compromise, compromise.

But there is one area where neither of us is willing to compromise.

And that is in the bathroom:  The Great Toilet Paper Debate.

When I first noticed T hanging the toilet paper the wrong way (and in case anyone is wondering, the wrong way is "A" or under), I assumed he was just misguided.  I would switch it around and not say anything, maybe with a slight smile at the effort he made to even put a new roll up, even in his ignorance.  He was trying, the poor dear!

After awhile, I decided that T would benefit by my toilet paper wisdom and explained to him that the roll actually was supposed to roll out over the top because it was easier to control the amount of paper dispensed and easier to tear that way.  He smiled during my instruction but didn't comment.

A few days later, I found the roll again rolling the wrong way.  Did he forget?  It was such a simple thing and he was really a bright lad...

I went to him and asked what happened.  He just smiled and said that he preferred the roll to come from underneath.  WTF?!  Had I married a mad man?  I calmly explained that it didn't go that way and he just nodded and smiled.

Well, as you can guess, a week later I again found the roll backwards.  This time I yelled from the bathroom something about his upbringing and lack of common sense, I don't remember exact words but it may have been "Stop putting the toilet paper on backwards you idiot!!"  A muffled chuckle was his only reply.

That was several years ago.  The battle still rages on with him sabotaging my bathroom and me fixing it while mumbling obscenities under my breath.  I just can't let backwards toilet paper go.  It is just that sort of thing that is leading to all our troubles in this world!

Excuse me now while I go check the bathroom and make sure he didn't mess up the toilet paper again.  I swear he sneaks in there on a regular basis and switches it around!

Letting Go and Moving On

Today was a hard day.  I watched my husband, a man I have an incredible amount of respect for, stand humbly before a judge and in front of a room full of people and admit his guilt.  My heart hurt for him as I watched him stand there with his shoulders squared and answered all the questions put to him.  I wanted to take away his pain but I knew that he needed to do this, not only because it was the right thing to do but because he needed it for him to move on with life.

Today was hard but I also love and respect him even more now than I did before.  What was healing for him was also healing for me and today a little bit of my anger and hurt was also let go.

Our next step is sentencing.  It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.  Our lawyer says that's a good thing but I wonder how thankful I'll be if he is indeed used as an example.  I can't worry about that now, though, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time.

In other news, I am one step closer to my Michigan license.  All that the state needs is my Hawaii license verification.  With any luck, I'll be up in Ann Arbor by the first week in November and we will be one step closer to a more normal life.  I am still so scared about such a big change but I know it is for the better and in the end will be the best thing for us all.

So the theme of today is letting go.  Letting go of negative feelings and letting go of things out of my control.

Peace ☮

Tears Today

I try very hard to maintain a positive attitude amidst so much upheaval.  I realize I am very blessed to have so much support from family and friends and that my husband was able to ask for help before it was too late.  Sometimes, though, the frustration with the situation and things I have no control over just wears me down and I can't help but cry.

I understand that my husband did some wrong things.  But I also know what kind of person he is.  He is a good man and has done everything he can to rehabilitate himself and make up for the things he did.  I don't know how much more he could do and I am so very very proud of him. 

What I don't understand is how our system that is supposed to protect society at the same time it rehabilitates those who break our laws can say that my husband deserves prison time and that he does not deserve a second chance.  The City says it "doesn't want to send the wrong message" by showing mercy and allowing him to return to his job.  Well I say, what message does it want to send?  Is the message that someone can make a mistake, admit it, and take the steps to right the wrong not good enough for them?  In "making an example" of T, they show others that may suffer from the disease of addiction or alcoholism that they have no way out.  They have no one to turn to for help because if they do, they will be punished instead of getting the help they need to enter recovery and to again become functioning members of society.

If I sound bitter, it is because I am.  Today, I cried because of the injustice of it all.  Drug dealers, child abusers, and murderers go free every day all across this country but my husband who freely admitted to his problem, turned himself in, and sought help...a man who gave the last 16 years of his life to serving this community, saving countless lives is facing possible prison time and at the very least probation and unemployability.  Our family is being punished right along with him.  My heart breaks knowing the pain this causes him, above and beyond the actual crime so I try so very hard to be strong for him.  The last thing I want to do is to cause him anymore pain.

Next week he will enter a plea of guilty and ask the court for mercy.  We have no idea what is going to happen.  I realize we are in this place because of his actions but there also comes a time when one needs to stop looking at things in black and white and start seeing the shades of grey.  My husband deserves mercy and forgiveness.  He deserves another chance.  I pray that he gets it.

Peace ☮

Here's to another year!

Another birthday has come and gone.  I think this is probably the first year that I didn't have the letdown that so often follows celebrations.  I didn't have to work this year so that was a plus but otherwise it was pretty low-key.  No money for gifts and I made my own cake but it was ok.  Does this mean that at 48 years old I have finally reached some measure of maturity?  Who knows.  I hope maturity doesn't mean I can't laugh at potty jokes anymore.

This year was so much better in so many ways, despite the fact that we really didn't do anything special.  The stuff we did do was special by its own merit.  I spent the first half of the day playing with B and just relaxing.  In the afternoon we went to a pre-school birthday party.  Then we came home and watched t.v. until WAY past our bedtime and ate chips and dip and the cake I made. 

This is the cake:

Nothing fancy but it sure tasted good!

Last year I got gifts (though I honestly don't remember what) but I felt so dissatisfied with the whole day.  My feelings were hurt by T's indifference and I felt alone.

This year, I feel loved and I will take loved over gifts any day.

I will admit to continuing to feel a small amount of anxiety...that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.  Baby steps here.

I'm hoping that this year will be a little more serene than last year was but we shall see.  A lot of change is coming for all of us, let's just pray it is all for the good.

Peace!  ☮

Random Thoughts

I have gotten the scourge known as "kids are back in school and bringing home new and nasty germs".  That means that aside from feeling totally crappy, I also have some extra time to be on the computer.  Lucky you.

Since my head is pretty fuzzy this morning, I apologize in advance for my disconnected rambling.  I will try not to be too confusing.

It was an emotional week with me having to put in my notice at work and quitting the transport team.  I go back and forth between being sad, angry, and scared and excited to be moving on to learning something more.  My next step is to talk to the people at U of M.  I'm waiting on their call now.  As long as I don't say anything stupid, I should be ok.  Cross your fingers.

I think the big problem for me right now is all the waiting.  I just want to get on with everything so that we can get out of limbo and move forward with our lives.  I see it affecting how we are with each other and I definitely don't like that.  We are both ultra-sensitive and snappy, though I doubt that T would actually admit that.  As a matter of fact, he is of the mindset that I am never happy and always negative.  It upsets me when he says things like that and then, of course, my upset validates his opinion.  It's a no win situation for me.  After yesterday's skirmish ("why can't you ever be positive??), I decided to just keep how I feel to myself from now on.  I am just tired of feeling like I need to defend myself.  I will either been seen and accepted for who I am or I won't be.  I can't let that rule my life anymore.  Hopefully, we will come out the other side of this together but a lot of the time I don't take that for granted anymore and that makes me sad.

I don't know if I'm a bit down today because I feel cruddy or what but I should probably just stop now and take a nap.  Maybe that will improve my outlook on life.

Peace ☮

Reality and Decisions

It's funny how one can be in denial so strong that when reality finally hits it's like a Mack truck just ran through the living room.

By "funny", I mean ironic. 

By "one", I mean me.

Webster's defines denial as "a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality".

Yep, that pretty much sums up my thought processes until the last couple of weeks.

You see, I thought I had it all under control, this all was just a little blip in our lives, and we would just sail through and come out the other side...maybe a little battered and bruised, but generally o.k.  I wasn't denying that some pretty serious stuff had come down or that my husband didn't have an addiction to opiates.

Heck, no.

I did all the right things, took all the right steps:  bail, check; lawyer, check; detox, check; IOP, check; NA meetings, check...well, you get the idea. I was really in my element, making lists and doing damage control.  What I didn't take into account was the consequences of his actions and their effect on our family beyond delaying our move.

When I finally took a realistic look around instead of doing this:

 
I realized that our lives had sustained a blow that kind of looked like this:

Somewhere in my head I knew that when we lost T's income it would be quite difficult to make ends meet but I don't think it really hit home until he told me that he would have to borrow money from his family to make expenses.  He had chosen not to say anything specific about it until last week because he wanted to protect me from the mess our lives had become.

I felt a couple different ways about it at the time.  I was really and truly angry with him for not telling me all along how bad things were.  I was angry at myself for not realizing something so simple.  I was scared about what was going to happen to us.

We talked.  Mostly, I talked (shocker, right?).  But the difference this time was that I really could see that he was listening this time.  I told him I did not need protection, I'm a lot tougher than I looked.  I also told him that I felt like we were in this mess because of a lack of communication.  We are both to blame for that.  He has a warped sense of chivalry and I am content to keep my head in the sand a lot of the time.

The bottom line?  If we are going to come through this stronger, healthier, and together then we need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Yes, there will be tears, anger, and fear at times.  But there will also be love, faith, and trust.

I know the title of this post is "Reality and Decisions" and yes, I've had to make some hard decisions this past week in order to help my family.  I will be taking my act on the road and travel nursing.  I will be making a lot more money but it will mean being away for days at a time. 

I'm not happy about it and, frankly, I'm scared.  Change and meeting new people is certainly not my forte.  I am determined, however, to make this work and get us out of this hole.  I refuse to come out the other side broken.

Peace ☮