Transitions

Until recently, I'd never really thought of all the transitions that we, as people, go through during our lifetime.  Sometimes we call them milestones, turning points, or achievements but it pretty much means the same thing: change.

I've never been a big fan of change, of any kind.  I tend to mourn the passing of time for the same reason a toddler doesn't want to nap... I'm afraid I'm missing something.  Instead of looking for the beauty and adventure in the newest phase of my life, I become incredibly sad about leaving behind the current phase.

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, reflecting on the things I did or didn't do...and how many times my life has changed dramatically.  From birth, we grow and change, at first on a daily basis.  As we get past the infant, toddler, and preschool phases that growth slows down.  I'd always thought of those phases as being the most dramatic changes but as I've gotten older, I've changed my mind.

As an adult, I've experienced major changes many times.  I married, had kids, moved across country twice, had my heart broken when I lost my boys, divorced, started a career, went back to school as an "older" adult, remarried, started a second career, and had another child at an "advanced" age.  Now I find that I am again transitioning into a new time of my life while continuing to remain in the old one.  It is quite unsettling and isolating.

I feel like no one really understands why I feel the way I do.  I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because of the reasons I am sad.  By that I mean why I feel isolated and not a part of any group or able to really open up and lean on the people I call my friends.

See, I belong to a unique (and dare I say, elite?) group of older moms of toddlers.  By older I don't mean in my 30's.  Heck no, they are mere amateurs!  I had Princess B when I was 44...6 weeks after my first grandson was born.  So if you do the math (and I know you were...), I am 47 years old.  I am approaching menopause and I am pretty sure my child bearing days are over.  Now, my friends who are my age are puzzled by my feelings of loss and tell me on a daily basis that they don't have any idea how I could possibly keep up with a 3 year old.  I get a lot of "better you than me!" comments...which, if you think about it, is kind of rude.

On the flip side, the moms I know who have kids Princess B's age are significantly younger and are still expanding their families.  While I am extremely happy for them, it is also extremely difficult for me to hear about getting pregnant.  It hurts, sometimes like a kick in the gut, to know that I am done.  It is not their fault that they are younger and still in that stage of life.  It's not their fault that I am past that now and am having trouble adjusting to it.  And because it is not their fault, I don't want to share with them how I feel, even though they are some of my closest friends.  Or maybe it's because they are some of my closest friends.  I don't want to make them feel badly or like they can't talk about it.

I know that I am extremely blessed.  I have 5 beautiful children.  I'm (mostly) healthy.  I'm married to a good man.  I have a job I love.  I'm getting ready to embark on a huge adventure.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

I will get past this.  I will eventually embrace this new time in my life and get back to enjoying the simple act of living in the moment.  Longing for the past is as bad as wishing time away...it takes us away from all that is beautiful in the present.

Peace!