Which we all know is generally frowned upon and gets me nowhere...
Anyway, I kept thinking "as soon as I can get my act together and be consistent..." and "as soon as life calms down..." and " as soon as I have something relevant and inspiring to say..."
...Well you get the idea. I've wanted to restart blogging for quite awhile. I so often have a ton of stuff in my head that takes up too much space and, frankly, it helps me to write it all out. So here I am, sitting here in my pj's, gearing up for a nap (nightshift, y'all, don't get judgy), and fighting off a raging cold. I decided to just put it all out there (briefly, for now) and just...start. I have no illusions that I'll be consistent (though I'm hoping I will) but I do think it may help my brain to be a bit more organized.
I also kind of hope that somewhere out there in the interwebz someone will say "yeah...I feel/think/hurt/am happy/am sad/agree/identify with that too!" I can't be the ONLY weirdo can I??
So here are the bullet points that I will elaborate on later (nap time remember?):
- I am now permanent nights...which I love for the most part but sometimes I have trouble not being lazy about it.
- We are moving in less than a week. Not far but moving still sucks! I have not been holding up my side of the bargain and T is getting annoyed. He's done most of the work.
- I have taken on the job of Clinical Instructor and that's taken up a lot of time this month. I love it but the schedule was not something to write home about.
- I also applied for a per diem pediatric/PICU RN position...because, well, I'm not really BUSY, right?
- Then there is the ever present desire to lose weight while continuing to eat crap. I know better but I'm not sure I can do better. I'm disappointed in myself.
- Along the lines of feeling disappointed in (aka sorry for) myself, I am supposed to be marathon training. Just over 2 months until the race and I am way behind on where I should be.
So there it is. Not feeling very funny or entertaining this morning. Just sad and tired and discouraged and real. I thought about looking for an inspirational meme or funny picture but I just don't have the energy today.
This is my new start. I hope you'll come along for the ride.
Aloha!
As I said in my last post, I have a grand plan of running around Oahu by my next birthday...the BIG 50. Just in case you think I was just blowing smoke and fizzled out on another goal, I am here to tell you that I actually started. What I'm not so good at is follow up on documenting it. BUT I did take pictures so better late than never, yes? Since I plan on running part of it again tomorrow I figured I'd better write this tonight.
I will say that I have been a bit busy lately. Between working OT and running and the in-laws visiting, I've hardly had a minute to myself to just breathe, let alone blog. All fun things (well maybe not the OT) but fun can be stressful too.
After I began my epic journey, I ran the Hapalua Half Marathon.
Not my best race but not my worst either. I was very glad to have my family out cheering me on.
So about my journey. I ran 5K to begin. From home to the fountain at Kapiolani park.
It was a beautiful day and I felt really good starting out.
While this run was actually shorter than most of my easy runs (time constraints due to that pesky thing called work) I actually felt pretty reflective and relaxed. There are so many reasons that I run and so many people that I run for. This first 3.1 I was able to think about that and my WHY. We all have a WHY. The important thing is remembering what (or who) it is.
I got to the fountain and was greeting by my number 1 fans, T and B.
B never stops cheering for me and T always makes sure he is there at the finish, whether it's a training run or a race. I couldn't do any of this without these two.
I felt great afterwards, though a bit panicked because we dawdled too long at the fountain and I was late getting ready for work.
So tomorrow, I start at the fountain for my easy 4. I am super excited that it is a flat area. I don't get many flat runs anymore! I have a race coming up next month and I'm bound and determined to do better. To stick with it. To do this for me.
For those of you that made it this far: thank you! I know this is probably boring listening to my self-centered babbling but at least the pictures are pretty :)
Peace, my friends!
HELLO!
Now that I've got your attention, it's time to talk about a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC. I woke up today after not really sleeping (a story for another blog post) and realized that my birthday is in less than 6 months! And not just any birthday...
My 50th birthday!
Now, I suppose most people are bothered by turning such a monumental age as half a century but I'm actually excited about it. I'm having the time of my life, living a life that I could only dream about a few years ago, and sharing it with someone I love. It just doesn't get any better.
So here's what I want to talk about: I wanted to do something monumental for my birthday to celebrate being happy in my own skin and to commemorate this milestone birthday. Thing was, I had no idea what I wanted to do. So what did I do? I took to the internet and asked for suggestions.
I got several good ones that I may do along with the main one that I'll tell you about in a minute. Here are a few of them:
- Hang glide over a volcano (not likely, but good idea nonetheless)
- Do 50 things that challenge me, big and little...and I am going to try to do this one along the way.
- Give 50 blessings to others...another one I am going to try to do. It appeals to my desire to become a better person.
- Run 50 miles or 50K or some variation of the number 50.
- Run a destination race...already have a couple planned, including the Marine Corps Marathon not long after my birthday. This will also be the first time I've ever traveled alone.
- And the one that I am definitely doing: Circumvent Oahu.
Now I know you are thinking I am crazy, but hear me out.
I won't do it in one complete run, there is no way I can take the time off work to do so and let's face it, I am NOT an ultra-runner by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe some day but not now. The distance is doable if taken in chunks, like making every long run part of the journey. I mapped it out and it comes to just over 133.5 miles...a distance I do in less than 2 months.
All that was left was to run it by my better half (see what I did there?). I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't laugh but encouraged me. Not that he laughs at me but to be honest, it does seem like a crazy thing to do.
I'm going to wait until after my half marathon this coming weekend to start my epic journey. I can't wait to see the island in a new way and I'm excited about the things I will learn (hopefully) about myself.
So, come and celebrate this adventure with me! It should be fun as long as you don't get tired of my self-centered rambling about my birthday. If you stick around for it all, I may even share my cake with you :)
It's funny how things work out isn't it? I've been meaning to update this blog but life got away from me...moving 4000 miles will do that to you I guess. One of the things I promised myself for this year was to become more consistent in all areas of my life: running, parenting, health, personal and professional lives, and this blog. Some days I have so much going on inside my head and nowhere to put it. So, my dear readers, here I am.
A lot has happened since September when I last posted. Some bad, mostly good. We are finally beginning to feel settled in to our new home though we still have so much to learn about this awesome state we have have chosen to live in.
Today's post isn't about that though. Updates will have to wait because today is January 1st! The day for New Year's Resolutions!
Most of you who know me, know I really don't do the whole resolution thing. For me, it seems to set me up for massive failure every year. Usually by January 3rd.
So once again I proclaim this a no-resolution zone.
I will have attainable, measurable goals instead of pie in the sky wishes.
Now I know you are saying to yourselves, "it's all semantics. Goals are the same thing as resolutions." I don't believe that, though. I think that if I have goals that I can actually verbalize steps to achieve then I have more of a chance to get to where I want to go than if I just say "I want to be thin" or "I want to be successful" or even "I want to be loved".
I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone that other people can count on. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I also want to be the kind of person that I can be proud of being. I want to be healthier, stronger, less quick to hurt feelings, more forgiving and kind. I want to stop letting others actions hurt me. All of these things are changed by working from the inside out, the hardest kind of change (for me). A lot of it will involve simply keeping my mouth shut. Again, the hardest kind of change (for me). The painful process of letting others be who they are going to be is just something to get through. Hopefully, this will be the year where my acceptance muscles get stronger.
I hear you saying "wow, that's no fun". Nope, that stuff isn't fun. I take a lot of things personally that I really shouldn't (as anyone who knows me at all will agree to). For now, I will just keep my mouth shut and try to learn to process things in a way where I am not the center of the universe and the reason that everyone does what they do (for good or bad). It will be a struggle but I will trudge on.
I do, however, have some actual fun goals. Yes, running related. And yes, I can hear the collective groan of everyone who is tired of hearing about my running, races, gnarly toenails, and aching muscles. So if you don't want to read about that you can skip to the bottom.
2014 was a year of firsts when it came to most of my life, running included. I ran more half marathons last year (4) and even did my first Full Marathon (the Honolulu Marathon). I joined the Half Fanatics. And I made some decisions as to where I wanted my running to take me. I want to go to Boston.
For 2015, my goals are simple. I will become more consistent in my training. If I want to get faster and stronger then I have to assume my coach knows her stuff and follow her directions. I don't expect to BQ this year but I do expect to move closer to that possibility. As for specific time goals, I hope to do a sub 2:15 half and a sub 5 marathon by the end of the year.
Let me quickly address my weight. It seems that every year, weight is a big issue for me. I lose some, then gain it back. This last year was no exception. I lost a ton (ok, 27 pounds) then gained most of it back during the transition to Hawaii. One thing I've discovered about myself is that if I focus on the number on the scale then I will give up pretty quickly. I fluctuate too much. So instead, this year I will focus simply on my physical abilities and how my clothes fit. No more weighing in. I know what I need to do and what I need to eat (or not eat!) in order to be healthy. This seems like a good time to get on that.
So, yeah. That's it. I have some other stuff that I also want to accomplish but this post is already way longer than I expected it to be so I will finish this now.
2015...ready or not, here I come!
Today my youngest started Pre-K. She will only be going there for a month before we move but I wanted her to be able to spend some time with her friends and teachers from last year. It was bittersweet for me because it makes me sad that she will leave all these people who love her...even though I know she will make new friends and have new teachers who will love her wherever we end up.
She was really happy to be back :)
So now I'm at home, basically alone (T is sleeping). No excuses to not get my list started. Am I getting anything done? Not yet. I'm drinking my coffee and contemplating what it means that my youngest is now effectively out in the world.
It's an ending, sure, but it's also a beginning - for both of us. As she grows and blossoms into this amazing girl I get the privilege of walking with her and seeing this miracle. Seeing all that she discovers, seeing the world through her young not-cynical eyes is simply amazing. I never took the time to do that with my other kids; instead I remained too busy, too caught up in what I needed to do to get everyone through the day, week, month. I missed so much! I am determined not to make that same mistake.
While this isn't my first rodeo, I've never claimed to be a mom expert. Personally, I think we are all experts on our own children.
That said, I've noticed a disturbing trend in parenting lately. This over-thinking of every little thing we do as parents. Everyday in my Facebook feed I see articles on what we as parents are doing wrong. Then there are the sactimommy articles that tell us how they are better moms than the rest of us because of (fill in parenting rule here). Many times these articles imply that we suck as parents because we just don't care as much for our kids as the authors do.
Here's what I think after raising 4 fairly successful kids (2 in the Army, 1 catering manager, and 1 911 dispatcher): Sometimes we just need to relax. Now, those who know me know that I am the LEAST relaxed person on the face of the earth...or at least in the Midwest. I get anxious about everything, second guess myself, and drive T nuts when I am trying to make an informed decision.
The thing is, I am not that way when it comes to my parenting. My kids watched too much tv (B still does). I didn't enroll them in a ton of activities (who could afford it for so many kids?!). I yelled, a lot, and made threats I couldn't follow through on: "if you touch your sister again I will duct tape you to the wall".
I understand that this is a different world we're raising B in than it was when I raised my 4 older kids. It's not as safe. We know more about a lot of stuff. We have safer carseats, better helmets, and we are generally better informed about everything. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. What I do think is that society and "experts" are making it harder to parent instead of easier.
I don't read parenting books. I tried to and realized that all they did was make me feel like a failure. I compared my life to that non-existent ideal world that is generally portrayed in that type of thing. To be honest, I think those "experts" and books are what's messing up this up and coming generation.
Parenting is truly not that hard. Love them. Show them by your own behavior what it means to be a decent person. Teach them the consequences of their actions, even if it means being the "bad guy". And when it's time, let them go.
Some days B will watch too much tv because I am tired or need to get stuff done and that's ok. She survives on grilled cheese sandwiches because that's all she will eat, and that's ok. Sometimes she cries because I don't give her what she wants and that's ok, too.
In the end, I want all my kids to be strong, loving, tolerant, and hard-working adults. I may not get there like you do but that doesn't mean we won't all (mostly) get there. I just choose to enjoy my journey instead of feeling guilty about the choices I make.
As parents, especially moms, we should be building each other up instead of tearing each other down. One great thing about parenting today is the additional resource of the internet and the support and commiseration we can find there. Instead of using it as a way to feel superior to other moms, how about we just use it as a way to be there for each other during one of the easiest hardest times of our lives.
Yesterday at work was my first day of work where everyone is finding out that I am leaving. I had intended to keep a low profile and not talk about it too much because 1) I'm a little superstitious and 2) I don't want to tick people off again.
Plus, I get the inevitable "Again?"
Unfortunately for my plan to fly under the radar, people are curious and ask questions. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind sharing my news; I'm super excited about it! I just don't want to push it. T says that if they ask then it's OK to talk about it so I'm trying to stick to that rule.
It was a little emotional for me yesterday. I feel like I am saying good-bye in my head everywhere I go in the hospital. The one big downside to this move is leaving everyone behind. I think it really hit me yesterday when people told me how much they were going to miss me even though they were happy for us. I've known some of these people for 18 years and I can't imagine not having them in my day to day work life.
I have told everyone that our door will always be open and that I hope people will come visit but I know there will be few if any visits because it's so far away. That makes me sad.
I wish I could pack up everyone and bring them with me.
So, I cried yesterday. Twice. And once today. That doesn't mean that I'm not secure in our decision to go...it only means that I will miss all that I am leaving behind.
Today is another day of packing and searching for a shipping company. And errands. Always errands.
While I try to focus on all the positive in this move and not think about the sad parts.
