The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.