Trigger warning for those who have issues with eating disorders. You may want to skip this because I will be talking about mine. J.
So, I wanted to post on Sunday but since I made a trade at work and ended up working 3 in a row I was just too tired.
I haven't been too lazy though! I am slowly making my way back into the world of fitness and eating better. The eating part isn't too difficult...I actually like healthy food and I'm content with an occasional treat. My trick is to not keep the junk in the house. Eventually, the craving passes. When I do have a treat then I plan it and make sure there are no leftovers. Sometimes T will bring home stuff but I try to ignore it.
For the sake of transparency, I had a cookie last night. The miracle was that I only had one and I was actually fine with that!
See, I have to be careful on how I handle my diet and my relationship with food. I don't know when it started but one day I realized that I was hiding my food intake from family and friends. I waited to eat until after T and B were in bed or left for work/school. At work, if there were treats in the break room I wouldn't eat any if there was anyone there. I ate a lot of fast food in the car. By a lot I mean 3 meals in one sitting. Enough to feel sick.
I alternated my secret binges with extreme healthy eating and tracking my food down to the teaspoon.
None of it was healthy and all of it made me feel horrible both mentally and physically. Mix in there over exercising and setting unrealistic goals and you have my life for the last year or so. I have what's called orthorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy; a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful.
It's taken me a couple months to adjust to not practicing my particular brand of Hell but I've slowly been crawling out of my hole and living a lifestyle that I am proud of most of the time. It's not all puppies and rainbows but it's a lot healthier than it was before. I'll save the how's for another post. This one has gotten a little emotional for me, just writing it all out.
Here's this week's check in:
I ran a total of 7 miles, some of them with my new running partner Dawn. She is awesome and is helping me to stay accountable.
That's us :)
I've mostly been logging my food. I missed yesterday but will start again tomorrow. I've been on point with moderation. I'm eating healthy but I'm allowing myself to have the occasional cookie or ice cream. Life is too short, isn't it?
Today I started a work out program on the Jillian Michael's app. It's called the Gauntlet. I'll admit that I didn't even look at it because the name said to me that I was incapable of anything like that. But then she (Jillian) talked about it on her latest podcast. It's a year long program that starts from the beginning level and progresses as you do. The work out was hard today (I was only able to do a sit up with B sitting on my feet) but I did it! I'm excited about progressing.
I have a day one progress pic but I have been fighting with my phone, apple, itunes, and my laptop for hours and I give up. It's dinner time. I will post it on Saturday with my race pics!
peace <3
So I swear that I didn't just post and run in March! Life has been crazy but since things have calmed down, I am hoping to get into a rhythm of posting. I'm aiming for once a week.
I also swear that I wasn't just talking smack. I have actually started doing things to take care of myself better. I meant it when I said I wanted to be healthier and I am really trying to do it the right way.
I still struggle with negative self-talk. I think that may take awhile to give that up. It's taken me my whole life to get to this place so I need to be patient with myself when it comes to what is going on in my head, too.
My goals for May are pretty simple:
- Get started
- Set up accountability
- Be consistent
Simple, right? So here's what I did to follow through on these 3 simple goals.
To get started, I picked up my bullet journal again. I let it slip away while focusing on getting back into the swing of things at school but I'm back at it. I scheduled time for my work outs, began meal planning weekly, and logged my measurements. I'm not ready to share those with you yet but I'll get there. Future posts will highlight my fitness tracking too :)
Accountability was fairly easy. I found someone that I really enjoyed being with who was also looking for accountability and had similar goals as me. My goal is weekly runs with her. Tomorrow is our second week and I'm really excited about it.
Consistency is probably my most difficult goal this month. I'm great at planning but can be sketchy on the follow through. I'm really trying to make it different this time.
So this is what I've been up to the last few weeks. Here's to new beginnings!
Peace <3
I've always thought of myself as a nice person but I've come to realize that I really am not a very nice person. Oh, I'm kind to others, help when I can, lend an ear or a shoulder, and work really hard at not being judgmental. I try to see things through other's eyes. I have tremendous compassion for other people...
And then I look in a mirror. Suddenly, that compassionate, kind, loving person is not there. When it comes to how I treat myself, judge myself, and think of myself I am a bully.
It has to stop. The bullying is killing me slowly.
I'm not sure how this change will occur, but I am working on it. No more hiding. No more negative self-talk. More acceptance and love.
Are there things I need to change about myself? Sure there are! But I've come to understand that change does not have to come with hateful thoughts and feelings. Change can come with love and kindness. I'll even go so far as to say change made with hate is unsustainable while change made with kindness will last a lifetime. The effects of how I treat myself will then become ripples on a pond, affecting those around me.
I ask myself, "what do I want to teach my children? Especially, my daughters?" If anyone bullied my kids the way I bully myself, there would be Hell to pay. I want to teach my kids to stand up to bullies. Especially when that bully is their own inner voice. I want to teach them it can be done. That they can love themselves while still wanting to make positive changes.
The first step is admitting there is a problem. And that's what I am doing now.
peace <3
