All the changes! - part 1

I alluded to a multitude of changes happening in my life in the last post so I thought I should be more specific.  It's hard to know where to start so I guess I'll just get right into it.

I can't remember if I've ever posted about my mother.  We had a complicated relationship, to say the least.  In the more recent years, I tended to focus on the negative.  So much so that I had very little contact with her.  I had spent many years feeling attacked and belittled that I had a hard time trusting when she said the right things.  I wish now that I had been quicker to share my life with her and to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she had hurt me in the past.

I'm not going to get into any gory details.  My relationship with my mother is probably similar to many other parental relationships.  As children, we are totally dependent on our parents, especially our mothers.  When they appear to fail in our eyes, a lot of us are very slow to forgive.  I wish I could say I wasn't like that but the truth is, after many years of feeling hurt, I chose to back away instead of forgiving and loving my mom for who she was instead of who I wish she was.

A few months ago, my sister called me.  She lived with my mom and I don't think she has ever called me in her entire adult life before then.  Some of that is my fault, I am older and I was so wrapped up in my own life and family that I didn't make any effort to maintain a relationship with the adult version of my little sister.  And some of it is my mom's fault for subtly putting a wedge in between us.  Whatever the cause, I had always regretted not having more of a sisterly relationship with my sister.

Anyway, she called.  She called because mom was sick and it was serious.  What had been thought to be a UTI was actually Stage IV liver cancer, most likely metastasized from her pancreas.  The doctor was initially saying she had 6 months to live.  I immediately planned a trip to the mainland so that Bella could meet her face to face (they had been emailing sporadically) before she got too sick. 

The last time I talked to my mom where she was coherent was a week before Mother's Day.  I chose to take something she said and get hurt feelings and offended.  When I called the following week on Mother's Day, she was on so many pain meds that she wasn't understandable on the phone.

Everything happened very fast.  My mom decided on no chemo and was admitted into hospice at home.  Two days later, my sister called and said the docs were now saying 4-6 WEEKS instead of months.  I was on a plane that night.

When I got to their house, my mom was still alive but she was heavily medicated and had very few lucid moments.  As I sat by her bedside, I could only think of how many regrets I had and how much time we had wasted.

I spent time with my sister, getting to know her as an adult and finding that I really liked her a lot.  She is such an intelligent and multi-faceted woman.  I am proud to be her sister.  We took turns sitting with mom, sitting quietly, and doing our own thing. 

The second day I was there, mom had a lucid moment.  She didn't speak but I told her I loved her and that I was sorry for my part in our troubled relationship.  She lifted her arms and when I asked if she wanted a hug, she nodded.  Her last words to me were "love you too".  She died that night.

I've struggled in the 3 months since then with my feelings about my mom.  I love her.  I've always loved her.  I have good memories along with the bad.  I remember being 8 years old and taking horseback riding lessons.  I remember singing along to "Delta Dawn" and "You're So Vain".  I remember mom making lemon eggy when I was sick.  She was an excellent cook and taught me so much.  I have her first cookbook and another cookbook where she wrote all her made up recipes.  I remember watching old movies and musicals on tv on a lazy Sunday.  I remember going to work with her as she worked overtime teaching herself programming so we could have a better life.

I miss my mom.  My feelings are just as complicated as our relationship was.  I wish we had longer.  I wish I had forgiven her sooner.  And I hope she knows now how much she meant to me.

Starting over is so hard!

I've been thinking a lot about regret and failure.  I try really hard to not regret decisions made in my past but some days I really feel it.  I compare my insides to other's outsides.  I wonder what I could have done differently to get what I perceive as what others have.

I decided this morning that I wanted to start from now and really work on me and my attitude.  I miss feeling happy and sometimes have no idea why I don't.  I sabotage myself; in so many ways!  It's time to lift myself up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and be the person I want to be.  It may be a bit of "fake it till you make it" at first but without starting, I will get nowhere.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this is coming from being inside my head too much since I spent the last 10 days sick.  No running, not really leaving the house, and plenty of time to find my life unsatisfactory compared to what others choose to show the world.  I've always tried to share both the good and the bad but I know that not everyone does that.  Instead of envy and jealousy, I need to foster self-love, gratitude, and genuine happiness for the people in my life.

So, here's to the second half of 2019!  So much is happening (new job, finishing grad school, new home) and there is so much to be thankful for.  Consider this my official "I'm back!" post.  I will try to keep my commitment to myself (and my 1 follower:  Aloha Kate!) and share on a regular basis my challenges, triumphs, and escapades. 

I want to live this life, not just survive it.

Now, go hug someone just because.  And hydrate.

peace.