5 days

I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me.  I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change.  I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.

While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared.  I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me.  Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together.  We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting.  It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.

It makes me so sad.  It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.

It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy.  I know without a doubt that I am loved.  Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it.  I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid.  I will always be grateful for that.

In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now.  After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be.  Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.

Things don't look so bad right now.  Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long.  I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income.  I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens.  Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure.  I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good.  I'm excited about what is to come.

Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now.  It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.

And what of Hawaii, you ask?  Well, Hawaii will always be there.  We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year.  Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there.  I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.

For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing.  I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life.  Only time will tell...

Until next time, kind people.  Peace!  ☮

The more things change...

...the more they stay the same.  It's been what...a week and a half?!  I feel like so much keeps happening but really I think that all those feelings (confusion, disorientation, fear, insecurity, etc.) are just finally sorting themselves out inside of myself and allowing me to settles where I am supposed to be for right now.

What is it about human beings that makes us want to constantly fix everything?  Why are we not happy unless we are in turbo speed, finding solutions to things that don't always need solutions, and in general, mucking things up?  Why do we (meaning me) feel like unless we are moving towards or away from something we are failing?  And why do we (again, me) feel like there is always something more we can be doing, that we are so powerful as to be in control of what is going on?

I am a goal oriented, problem solving person.  I am happiest when I can take a situation and make it better.  Fever?  Here's some Tylenol!  Bleeding?  Apply pressure!  Heart stop?  Chest compressions!  Plan A not work?  Time to move on to Plan B!

Unfortunately, in life, Plan B doesn't always work.  Eventually, you run out of plans and then you look like this:

That's where I was a few days ago.  Trapped on a giant ice cube with no rescue in sight.  I ran out of plans.  I got to the point where I just wanted to sit quietly and stop trying to find what I thought by that point were non-existent solutions to the many problems we were now facing.

You would think I would know this by now but it's amazing how things happen when you just let go and let what is supposed to happen happen instead of fighting for what you want constantly.  Aside from being exhausting, it is generally futile.  I think it's time for some Stones:

So here's where life stands now:

I managed to get my old job back.  While money is still a major issue, so is sanity.  My sanity, specifically.  I need to have a place I know is safe, secure, and that I enjoy being.  For now, it is ok to want to stay here.  A lot of my emotional support comes from here.  I am taking on more responsibility and becoming more invested.  I think that's a good thing.  I have applied for a part time job at a pediatric respite house to earn a bit more.  We will make this work.

Sentencing is still the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so about 3 weeks.  After that, who knows.  What will happen, will happen.  T will either get his old job back or he will move on to something better.  Most importantly, we have each other.  We have our family.  We have so many people who care about us.  We are blessed.

We still also have those plane tickets.  We decided to plan a trip to Hawaii in late September.  Two weeks in paradise.  Eventually, we hope it will be longer but for now two weeks will be fine.

As for everything else?  Well, it will be ok.  It's amazing how much things change when I change my own attitude.  After all, it could be much worse, couldn't it?

Peace ☮