Random Thoughts

I have gotten the scourge known as "kids are back in school and bringing home new and nasty germs".  That means that aside from feeling totally crappy, I also have some extra time to be on the computer.  Lucky you.

Since my head is pretty fuzzy this morning, I apologize in advance for my disconnected rambling.  I will try not to be too confusing.

It was an emotional week with me having to put in my notice at work and quitting the transport team.  I go back and forth between being sad, angry, and scared and excited to be moving on to learning something more.  My next step is to talk to the people at U of M.  I'm waiting on their call now.  As long as I don't say anything stupid, I should be ok.  Cross your fingers.

I think the big problem for me right now is all the waiting.  I just want to get on with everything so that we can get out of limbo and move forward with our lives.  I see it affecting how we are with each other and I definitely don't like that.  We are both ultra-sensitive and snappy, though I doubt that T would actually admit that.  As a matter of fact, he is of the mindset that I am never happy and always negative.  It upsets me when he says things like that and then, of course, my upset validates his opinion.  It's a no win situation for me.  After yesterday's skirmish ("why can't you ever be positive??), I decided to just keep how I feel to myself from now on.  I am just tired of feeling like I need to defend myself.  I will either been seen and accepted for who I am or I won't be.  I can't let that rule my life anymore.  Hopefully, we will come out the other side of this together but a lot of the time I don't take that for granted anymore and that makes me sad.

I don't know if I'm a bit down today because I feel cruddy or what but I should probably just stop now and take a nap.  Maybe that will improve my outlook on life.

Peace ☮

Reality and Decisions

It's funny how one can be in denial so strong that when reality finally hits it's like a Mack truck just ran through the living room.

By "funny", I mean ironic. 

By "one", I mean me.

Webster's defines denial as "a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality".

Yep, that pretty much sums up my thought processes until the last couple of weeks.

You see, I thought I had it all under control, this all was just a little blip in our lives, and we would just sail through and come out the other side...maybe a little battered and bruised, but generally o.k.  I wasn't denying that some pretty serious stuff had come down or that my husband didn't have an addiction to opiates.

Heck, no.

I did all the right things, took all the right steps:  bail, check; lawyer, check; detox, check; IOP, check; NA meetings, check...well, you get the idea. I was really in my element, making lists and doing damage control.  What I didn't take into account was the consequences of his actions and their effect on our family beyond delaying our move.

When I finally took a realistic look around instead of doing this:

 
I realized that our lives had sustained a blow that kind of looked like this:

Somewhere in my head I knew that when we lost T's income it would be quite difficult to make ends meet but I don't think it really hit home until he told me that he would have to borrow money from his family to make expenses.  He had chosen not to say anything specific about it until last week because he wanted to protect me from the mess our lives had become.

I felt a couple different ways about it at the time.  I was really and truly angry with him for not telling me all along how bad things were.  I was angry at myself for not realizing something so simple.  I was scared about what was going to happen to us.

We talked.  Mostly, I talked (shocker, right?).  But the difference this time was that I really could see that he was listening this time.  I told him I did not need protection, I'm a lot tougher than I looked.  I also told him that I felt like we were in this mess because of a lack of communication.  We are both to blame for that.  He has a warped sense of chivalry and I am content to keep my head in the sand a lot of the time.

The bottom line?  If we are going to come through this stronger, healthier, and together then we need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Yes, there will be tears, anger, and fear at times.  But there will also be love, faith, and trust.

I know the title of this post is "Reality and Decisions" and yes, I've had to make some hard decisions this past week in order to help my family.  I will be taking my act on the road and travel nursing.  I will be making a lot more money but it will mean being away for days at a time. 

I'm not happy about it and, frankly, I'm scared.  Change and meeting new people is certainly not my forte.  I am determined, however, to make this work and get us out of this hole.  I refuse to come out the other side broken.

Peace ☮

Change is not my strong point

I debated whether to abandon this blog in light of all that has happened in the last 5 months.  I didn't know what to say here and I couldn't seem to form any coherent thoughts, let alone blog posts.  As the dust continues to settle, however, I came to the conclusion that to continue to put my thoughts down in writing could be healing for me.  I don't know how entertaining it will be but it will definitely be real. 

As the saying goes...Shit got real. 

So, with my head held high, I will try to make sense of some senseless things.

On April13th of this year, my life - my family's life - changed forever.  Nobody died, but they could have.  Nobody had an affair, but it felt like a betrayal.  And, while I know we will survive this, we will never be the same again.  I hope we will end up being better - better spouses, better parents, better friends, better everything - but there is no guarantee.  This is a very hard story for me to share but I hope that by sharing it, I will begin to heal and begin to move past the hurt and anger that still eats at me today.

My husband is an addict.  There, I said it.  As a result of this horrible disease, he did some terrible things in order to feed his addiction.  Things that I won't detail here but that completely changed our lives.  In a way, he destroyed our lives with his actions.  This doesn't mean we won't rebuild our marriage and our family but it does mean that everything is different now.

My first instinct when he told me was to put my arms around him and tell him I loved him and that it would be ok.  I believe that it will be.  At the time, I was in such shock that I was unable to fully realize the ramifications of it all.  I've since been told by his counselor at detox that I was weird for offering unconditional support like that.  The fact of the matter is that I love him and, even though he lied to me I don't know how many times, I will still stand by him.  I refuse to let the disease he has define what kind of person he is.

This does not mean I am not angry.  Oh, I'm angry.  So angry that at times I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm learning and growing myself now and I've come to the realization that I am as sick, if not sicker than he is.  That was a hard pill for me to swallow (pun intended).

So for now, we are still on the mainland.  He has criminal charges pending in regards to his disease.  Until 2 weeks ago, he wasn't working.  He is now working for a fraction of what he was making but at least he has a job and some people who believe in him aside from his family.

As for my job, I am a very lucky person.  I went to my boss and she was able to keep me on full time.  I am mostly able to take time off for court and other things related to this when I need to.  Work has been more supportive than I ever expected and I am extremely grateful.

The question I get asked the most (with the exception of how T. is doing) is whether we will still move.  My answer is always the same:  as soon as this is over and he's served whatever time he needs to, whether it's jail or probation, we will go.  I am still registered with the Nurse Travel Agency and I recently renewed this:

 

as a way to show that I believe we will still go.  When the time comes, we will go as a family who is there for each other, no matter what.  A husband and wife who can finally trust each other and be who they need to be.

Life goes on, thank God.  This could have ended so differently.  I shudder when I think about how I could have found out about his disease by being notified of his death.

There have been some positive things from all of this.  I get to spend more time with my family and friends here at home.  I can run races that I wanted to run but wasn't going to be able to because we were going to be gone.  I have found out who my real friends are and who I don't need to waste time on because they really don't care.  And the best part?  I have my husband back.  The loving man I married is here for me and our Princess B. again.  Has he changed?  Yep, he sure has but these changes are for the good.  In time, I truly believe that we will come out of this stronger.

So...while I generally hate change...how can one have an adventure without a little change in his or her life?

Let the adventure continue...