It's Really Happening

All of a sudden, things seem to be moving fast and yesterday was a really big day for us.

We made our first two hotel reservations for our zig-zaggy trip across the country!  I'm both excited and terrified.  On the one hand, I just want to get this show on the road but on the other hand it is moving too fast and I feel like I have too much to do in too little time.  I look around at our very full house and wonder how I'm going to get rid of all the stuff we aren't taking.

Let the purging begin!

The other thing stressing me out is that I am having breakfast with my medical director today to tell her I am leaving.  This doc is more than my director...she was Joey's doctor and she is my friend.  Her opinion means the world to me and I know she is not going to be happy we are leaving.  Once I tell her then I can put in my notice.  Another scary thing!

On a side note, another big thing happened yesterday... well big to me, anyway.  I got fitted for my new running shoes and am officially back on the road.  Today I have a run planned... not sure how far but I'm excited at the prospect of getting outside and tuning out for awhile.  I need my stress relief more than ever.

Time to get ready to go.  Wish me luck, blogger land (specifically my 2 followers Megan and Kate!).

Peace.

Intimacy

Lately I've been thinking a lot about intimacy and what it really means.  Most people will automatically think of sex as the definition but really intimacy is so much more than that and can even exist where there isn't any sex.  When googling images of intimacy I got A LOT of naked pictures but I also got pictures of moms with babies and couples holding hands.

Dictionary.com defines intimacy as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group" however it's often used in its sexual context nowadays.  I sometimes think that misconception is part of the problem of lack of intimacy in some relationships.

Let me tell you what intimacy means to me.  It means trusting the other person to really listen to what you are saying.  It means knowing there is someone else in this world that you can count on no matter what.  It is someone to laugh with, cry with, be silly with, be quiet with.  It means that even if that person doesn't understand where you are coming from, they try to.  If they still can't understand, they just accept you anyway.  It is a safe place to rest your heart.

 

 

Intimacy isn't always about men and women, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife (or various other couple designations).  It is about family and friends, parents and their children, and even people and their pets.  Sometimes one can experience intimacy with a total stranger.

 

Everyone needs intimacy.  I think the world would be a better place if more people truly knew what it was and if it was a part of their lives.  I know that right now, it's lacking in mine and I am unhappy.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to do about that.

 

Peace.



What's new in 2013

I have always hated the phrase "New Year's Resolutions".  It seems to beg that we (meaning me) make a bunch of lofty statements that we (again meaning me) have really no intention of following through on.

Instead, I choose to set goals.  Things that are actually measureable, have actual steps, and that, even if not totally realized, can still be seen as growth if I actually work towards them.  I don't necessarily fail if I don't meet my goals as long as I am still somewhere in the process of attaining them.  At least in my own head that's how it works.

So what are my goals this year?  I have several that I've actually already been working on and that will hopefully become reality this year.

1. Weight:  I would like to drop the weight I gained since my injury.  Specifically:  25# by May 1st.
2. Running:  Rebuild my running base.  Slowly, through January and February then for March I'd like to run 100 miles during the month.
3. Races:  Indy Mini in May.  Honolulu Marathon in December.
4. School:  Graduate!
5. Organization:  Clear out 1 room a week.  By "clear out" I mean sort, pack, and down-size.  Starting with the storage room in the master bedroom.
6. Hawaii move:  There are so many steps that are ongoing that it's going to take more than a bullet point to list them!  Planning is over, now it's time to get into action.
7. Communication:  I want to work on better communication skills with both my children and my husband.  I'm not sure how to accomplish that yet but I'm working on it.

I have a busy year ahead of me.  I'm excited and scared and can't wait to move on to this new adventure!

Peace!

The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.