Out with the old

I woke up this morning in a mood.  I'm not sure what kind, but it was definitely a mood.  The last week I've been working a lot.  When I wasn't working, I was trying (and failing) to catch up with household stuff.  As a result, my house is a mess, my laundry baskets are full, and my refrigerator is empty.  This morning, in the relative quiet of my one day off, I had some time to reflect on what I want and don't want in my life.  Rather deep thoughts pre-coffee, I must say!

One thought that was crystal clear was that I am tired of clutter.  Counters full of dishes, things piled upon things, rooms that have fallen to disuse because they became storage for junk we never use, and 1000+ emails.

This is how I felt this morning:

 

So, after getting a load of laundry in and pouring myself some coffee, I did the unprecedented.  I deleted all but 17 of those emails.  Every blog post, every sale email, every recipe I'll never make, went into the trash.  It was both scary and freeing at the same time.  I can now start the new year with one area of my life cleaned out and clutter free.

 

 

 

I am the first to admit that I have trouble letting things go.  I find comfort in things and have attached some sort of memory or feeling to just about everything I own.  I also have an irrational fear of getting rid of something and then finding that I need it a week later.  I guess times of financial insecurity have taken their toll on my psyche.  Things aren't the only thing that are hard to let go.  I hold onto hurt and anger much longer than I should.  I've lost friendships because I couldn't get past my hurt feelings.

 

I don't know how to heal the damage done or take away the fear of being without but I am trying with baby steps to make a better life for not only myself but my kids.  The email clean out, while just a small step, is a step nonetheless.

 

I have high hopes for 2014.  It's time to take some positive action before it's too late.  It's time to discover what is possible instead of feeling like everything is impossible.  It's time to live instead of merely surviving.

 

Peace, my friends ☮





Moving on

I've been putting off posting an update just because I've been so emotionally overloaded on top of being so so busy with work and the holidays but here it is.

If you've been following along, you know that T's sentencing was the day before Thanksgiving.  The stress of waiting for that day was so bad for both of us but fortunately we were able to lean on each other as opposed to pushing each other away.

Anyway, that Tuesday night before we received an email from T's lawyer saying the judge had requested a meeting in the morning before the sentencing with the prosecutor and our lawyer.  He had no idea why the meeting was being called and needless to say this new development pushed our stress level to new heights.

Wednesday morning we received a call from the lawyer.  The judge had decided that he didn't have enough information to make a ruling and if he made a ruling that day he would refuse to reduce the charges to misdemeanors.  Instead, he wanted T to submit to court ordered drug tests and then come back in March.  If he stays clean, the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors from class D felonies.  This means no jail time and the possibility of him returning to his job.  This is huge.

Needless to say, we are over the moon about the judge's decision.  Things are still rough financially but we now have real hope for the future.  I'm not worried about what I will say to my daughter if daddy goes to jail.  I am so grateful for this new development and it has certainly made our holidays brighter.

That said, I do have to also say this:

We asked the judge from day one to put T in drug court.  He went immediately to treatment and has complied with all the rules of the treatment program.  He is still in the Aftercare.  He has random drug tests through his program and has for months.  He goes to 12 step meetings.  When we went in front of the judge 2 months ago asking for a continuance so that T could finish his program we were told no and that the judge wanted to be done before the end of the year.

And here's the kicker:  Now he has to continue the drug tests but he has to pay for them each time.  The tests through his Aftercare are covered by insurance.  The ones though the court are not.  We've already put out $30 in the last 3 days and have no idea how often he will be called to test.

Here's what I want to know...how is this rehabilitative?  Here is a guy who is actually trying to change and get better, a guy who is suffering from the disease of addiction, and instead of a helping hand he is getting kicked when he is down.  On top of that, he isn't the only one being punished.  That money is coming out of our family income so we are being punished too.  I'm grateful that we have the support and income to be able to pay for it but I shudder to think about the people who are trying to get better and have no resources.  No wonder people find it so difficult to stay in recovery.

Now before you say it, I will.  Yes, he committed a crime and he needs to suffer the consequences.  I know this.  But at what point does the punishment outweigh the crime?  When a person is truly remorseful and working hard to rehabilitate his or herself where do we draw the line?  What message are we sending when we say "yes we see that you are working towards recovery but we are still going to beat you down some more".

Those of you that truly know me know that I believed in the justice system.  I am now seeing it in a whole new light.  I'm really happy that it seems that justice is finally being served here but it wasn't up until that time.  I felt so helpless and angry about how T was being treated.  It seemed that no matter what he did, no one could see the truth in front of their eyes.  It was all about the media and making an example of him and that is wrong.  How many other people has this happened to?  People who didn't have as much support as we did?

That is my awkward segway into the rest of my update ^.

I've put travel nursing on hold for now.  I need something to be stable around here!  There are some days where I am not sure I'll be able to handle the stress of all the upheaval at work but for the most part I still love my job, co-workers, and patients.  I have joined some committees and am working on some projects.  I'm also going to be working part time at a pediatric respite house and I'm looking forward to that.

I had to cancel my trip to Disneyworld for the Princess Half Marathon.  There was just no way we were going to be able to afford it.  I was able to get a refund on the resort and can defer the race entries so here's to Disney in 2015!

We still have those tickets to Hawaii.  Since it looks like we won't be able to move for awhile, I decided that I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday.  As soon as the holidays are past we will start saving for it.  We need a vacation in a bad way.  We need some time as a family with no worries.

Best of all:  I will have all my kids around the tree on Christmas morning.  The boys are both coming home and M is taking a week off to come home.  S has to work that afternoon so we decided on doing a Christmas breakfast like last year.  I can't wait :)

If you've made it this far:

Now I'm off to finish some jewelry orders and make some Christmas cookies!

Peace! ☮

5 days

I've been meaning to post but the days just seem to be getting away from me.  I can't believe we have only 5 days until our lives will again change.  I am hoping that after the sentencing, we can move on with life and the business of healing but I know that the outcome will dictate how easy or hard that may be.

While I know that the likelihood of T getting jail time is small, the chance is still there.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared.  I'm actually pretty terrified, both for him and for me.  Right now there seems to be almost a sense of desperation in our house with neither one of us saying anything but it sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We spend a lot of time holding hands, talking, and just being together.  We speak kindly to each other and haven't even had a tiff, let alone any fighting.  It's as if we don't want to waste any time together just in case it turns out to be limited.

It makes me so sad.  It's taken this Thing to make our marriage what I've always wanted it to be and I feel like we've wasted so much time until now.

It also makes me so overwhelmingly happy.  I know without a doubt that I am loved.  Sometimes my heart is so full that I can hardly stand it.  I've always loved T but now that love is different, more mature, and more solid.  I will always be grateful for that.

In other news, my work situation has been in a period of changing while standing still for a few weeks now.  After many disappointments and tears, I decided that I needed to sit still and let what was going to happen happen while changing my attitude about whatever the outcome was going to be.  Some unpleasant things happened but I held my head high and I think I am just now coming out the other side.

Things don't look so bad right now.  Financially, it's still a struggle but hopefully that won't stay that way for long.  I will be working a part-time job that I've wanted to do for a long time (along with my full time job) and that will bring in extra income.  I have high hopes for our future after the sentencing, no matter what happens.  Either way, we will still have each other and our family and we will be able to move on and heal once we have closure.  I've also taken on some new responsibilities at work and it feels good.  I'm excited about what is to come.

Being a travel nurse will be on the back burner for now.  It's something I may be able to do in the future but for right now I am enjoying the security of sitting still where I am.

And what of Hawaii, you ask?  Well, Hawaii will always be there.  We are planning a vacation there for my birthday next year.  Other than that...well I have no idea when or if we will move there.  I hope we do eventually but obviously that time is not now.

For right now, I am happy to be changing and growing.  I'm hopeful that what comes out the other side will be a new and improved version of my life.  Only time will tell...

Until next time, kind people.  Peace!  ☮

The more things change...

...the more they stay the same.  It's been what...a week and a half?!  I feel like so much keeps happening but really I think that all those feelings (confusion, disorientation, fear, insecurity, etc.) are just finally sorting themselves out inside of myself and allowing me to settles where I am supposed to be for right now.

What is it about human beings that makes us want to constantly fix everything?  Why are we not happy unless we are in turbo speed, finding solutions to things that don't always need solutions, and in general, mucking things up?  Why do we (meaning me) feel like unless we are moving towards or away from something we are failing?  And why do we (again, me) feel like there is always something more we can be doing, that we are so powerful as to be in control of what is going on?

I am a goal oriented, problem solving person.  I am happiest when I can take a situation and make it better.  Fever?  Here's some Tylenol!  Bleeding?  Apply pressure!  Heart stop?  Chest compressions!  Plan A not work?  Time to move on to Plan B!

Unfortunately, in life, Plan B doesn't always work.  Eventually, you run out of plans and then you look like this:

That's where I was a few days ago.  Trapped on a giant ice cube with no rescue in sight.  I ran out of plans.  I got to the point where I just wanted to sit quietly and stop trying to find what I thought by that point were non-existent solutions to the many problems we were now facing.

You would think I would know this by now but it's amazing how things happen when you just let go and let what is supposed to happen happen instead of fighting for what you want constantly.  Aside from being exhausting, it is generally futile.  I think it's time for some Stones:

So here's where life stands now:

I managed to get my old job back.  While money is still a major issue, so is sanity.  My sanity, specifically.  I need to have a place I know is safe, secure, and that I enjoy being.  For now, it is ok to want to stay here.  A lot of my emotional support comes from here.  I am taking on more responsibility and becoming more invested.  I think that's a good thing.  I have applied for a part time job at a pediatric respite house to earn a bit more.  We will make this work.

Sentencing is still the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so about 3 weeks.  After that, who knows.  What will happen, will happen.  T will either get his old job back or he will move on to something better.  Most importantly, we have each other.  We have our family.  We have so many people who care about us.  We are blessed.

We still also have those plane tickets.  We decided to plan a trip to Hawaii in late September.  Two weeks in paradise.  Eventually, we hope it will be longer but for now two weeks will be fine.

As for everything else?  Well, it will be ok.  It's amazing how much things change when I change my own attitude.  After all, it could be much worse, couldn't it?

Peace ☮

Choosing a Path

I keep thinking I should write a new blog post but stuff keeps changing so fast that whatever I would have written would have been outdated by the next day. 

Things are not going very well right now for me and I am frustrated.  I have a lot of options but I am so unsure which way to go.  I've had many people tell me to stop pushing in this direction or that direction but I can't seem to reconcile it in my head.  I mean, I could just sit here but I don't see how that would change anything.  And, yes, I do believe in God and know that he will provide but I also believe that I have to do the work in order to get to where I need to be.  How do I know when I am pushing to hard for something I want as opposed to what I need?

As I sit here in this moment, there are several options (or paths, if you will) that I could take in order to help make things better for my family.  The problem is knowing which one to really focus on.  I can't get really specific here, but in general I am referring to which direction I should be taking my career in order to a) better provide for my family and b) have less stress about work.

This is about how many options I have right now:

And while I am extremely grateful that I have so very many options, I have no idea which way to turn and that in itself is frustrating and stressful.  I have spoken to trusted friends, my husband, and God.  No one has given me any concrete answers.  I do know that if I sit and do nothing I will not like where the current path is leading.  I know this is all vague but I think you can still get the gist of what I am saying.

So, for today:  I have done all I can do.  Today is for me.  I will run.  I will play.  I will try not to focus on all the negative things that have been happening lately and will instead focus on what is good.  I really am a very lucky woman.  I need to stop letting the relatively unimportant things weigh me down.

Peace! ☮

Friendship

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship.  I see people around me who seem to be able to make friends easily and I am so envious of them.  It has never been easy for me to make friends but never in my life have I struggled like I do now.  As a result, I either find myself holding back from people and becoming a bystander or trusting too much too quickly and allowing my feelings to get hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I do have friends.  Women I'm friendly with, gossip with, laugh with, and even go out for the occasional coffee or drink with.  I even consider my husband my best friend.  What I miss is that friend that you can look at and just KNOW what they are thinking, where jokes with them make no sense to anyone else.  The friend that you turn to when your world is falling apart.  They've seen your ugly side and it doesn't matter. The one who truly "gets" you.

I know this type of friendship is possible because I see it around me but I've not found it for myself.  I don't know if it is something I'm doing wrong or not doing at all.  All I know is that it is a lonely feeling to feel like there is no one really out there for you.

I don't mean in any way to minimize the friendships I do have.  I have several amazing women in my life and I am very grateful for them.  I think they understand what I mean when I talk about that one friend, though, that is more than a friend.  The women I'm friends with all seem to have one of those and I am so happy for them.  I just want it for myself too.

So, to the special women in my life, thank you.

 

I hope this post came across the way I wanted it to.  I feel very fragile and alone right now but I am very lucky to have the friends I do have.  I realize that.  Sometimes, though, I think it would be wonderful to have that "sister from another mister".

 

 

 

Let's Lighten Up!

We don't fight much in our house anymore.  We generally have the normal couple spats that end quickly, much like many other couples do.  After nearly 10 years of marriage and 14 years together we have learned to pick our battles and to compromise, compromise, compromise.

But there is one area where neither of us is willing to compromise.

And that is in the bathroom:  The Great Toilet Paper Debate.

When I first noticed T hanging the toilet paper the wrong way (and in case anyone is wondering, the wrong way is "A" or under), I assumed he was just misguided.  I would switch it around and not say anything, maybe with a slight smile at the effort he made to even put a new roll up, even in his ignorance.  He was trying, the poor dear!

After awhile, I decided that T would benefit by my toilet paper wisdom and explained to him that the roll actually was supposed to roll out over the top because it was easier to control the amount of paper dispensed and easier to tear that way.  He smiled during my instruction but didn't comment.

A few days later, I found the roll again rolling the wrong way.  Did he forget?  It was such a simple thing and he was really a bright lad...

I went to him and asked what happened.  He just smiled and said that he preferred the roll to come from underneath.  WTF?!  Had I married a mad man?  I calmly explained that it didn't go that way and he just nodded and smiled.

Well, as you can guess, a week later I again found the roll backwards.  This time I yelled from the bathroom something about his upbringing and lack of common sense, I don't remember exact words but it may have been "Stop putting the toilet paper on backwards you idiot!!"  A muffled chuckle was his only reply.

That was several years ago.  The battle still rages on with him sabotaging my bathroom and me fixing it while mumbling obscenities under my breath.  I just can't let backwards toilet paper go.  It is just that sort of thing that is leading to all our troubles in this world!

Excuse me now while I go check the bathroom and make sure he didn't mess up the toilet paper again.  I swear he sneaks in there on a regular basis and switches it around!

Letting Go and Moving On

Today was a hard day.  I watched my husband, a man I have an incredible amount of respect for, stand humbly before a judge and in front of a room full of people and admit his guilt.  My heart hurt for him as I watched him stand there with his shoulders squared and answered all the questions put to him.  I wanted to take away his pain but I knew that he needed to do this, not only because it was the right thing to do but because he needed it for him to move on with life.

Today was hard but I also love and respect him even more now than I did before.  What was healing for him was also healing for me and today a little bit of my anger and hurt was also let go.

Our next step is sentencing.  It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.  Our lawyer says that's a good thing but I wonder how thankful I'll be if he is indeed used as an example.  I can't worry about that now, though, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time.

In other news, I am one step closer to my Michigan license.  All that the state needs is my Hawaii license verification.  With any luck, I'll be up in Ann Arbor by the first week in November and we will be one step closer to a more normal life.  I am still so scared about such a big change but I know it is for the better and in the end will be the best thing for us all.

So the theme of today is letting go.  Letting go of negative feelings and letting go of things out of my control.

Peace ☮

Tears Today

I try very hard to maintain a positive attitude amidst so much upheaval.  I realize I am very blessed to have so much support from family and friends and that my husband was able to ask for help before it was too late.  Sometimes, though, the frustration with the situation and things I have no control over just wears me down and I can't help but cry.

I understand that my husband did some wrong things.  But I also know what kind of person he is.  He is a good man and has done everything he can to rehabilitate himself and make up for the things he did.  I don't know how much more he could do and I am so very very proud of him. 

What I don't understand is how our system that is supposed to protect society at the same time it rehabilitates those who break our laws can say that my husband deserves prison time and that he does not deserve a second chance.  The City says it "doesn't want to send the wrong message" by showing mercy and allowing him to return to his job.  Well I say, what message does it want to send?  Is the message that someone can make a mistake, admit it, and take the steps to right the wrong not good enough for them?  In "making an example" of T, they show others that may suffer from the disease of addiction or alcoholism that they have no way out.  They have no one to turn to for help because if they do, they will be punished instead of getting the help they need to enter recovery and to again become functioning members of society.

If I sound bitter, it is because I am.  Today, I cried because of the injustice of it all.  Drug dealers, child abusers, and murderers go free every day all across this country but my husband who freely admitted to his problem, turned himself in, and sought help...a man who gave the last 16 years of his life to serving this community, saving countless lives is facing possible prison time and at the very least probation and unemployability.  Our family is being punished right along with him.  My heart breaks knowing the pain this causes him, above and beyond the actual crime so I try so very hard to be strong for him.  The last thing I want to do is to cause him anymore pain.

Next week he will enter a plea of guilty and ask the court for mercy.  We have no idea what is going to happen.  I realize we are in this place because of his actions but there also comes a time when one needs to stop looking at things in black and white and start seeing the shades of grey.  My husband deserves mercy and forgiveness.  He deserves another chance.  I pray that he gets it.

Peace ☮

Here's to another year!

Another birthday has come and gone.  I think this is probably the first year that I didn't have the letdown that so often follows celebrations.  I didn't have to work this year so that was a plus but otherwise it was pretty low-key.  No money for gifts and I made my own cake but it was ok.  Does this mean that at 48 years old I have finally reached some measure of maturity?  Who knows.  I hope maturity doesn't mean I can't laugh at potty jokes anymore.

This year was so much better in so many ways, despite the fact that we really didn't do anything special.  The stuff we did do was special by its own merit.  I spent the first half of the day playing with B and just relaxing.  In the afternoon we went to a pre-school birthday party.  Then we came home and watched t.v. until WAY past our bedtime and ate chips and dip and the cake I made. 

This is the cake:

Nothing fancy but it sure tasted good!

Last year I got gifts (though I honestly don't remember what) but I felt so dissatisfied with the whole day.  My feelings were hurt by T's indifference and I felt alone.

This year, I feel loved and I will take loved over gifts any day.

I will admit to continuing to feel a small amount of anxiety...that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.  Baby steps here.

I'm hoping that this year will be a little more serene than last year was but we shall see.  A lot of change is coming for all of us, let's just pray it is all for the good.

Peace!  ☮

Random Thoughts

I have gotten the scourge known as "kids are back in school and bringing home new and nasty germs".  That means that aside from feeling totally crappy, I also have some extra time to be on the computer.  Lucky you.

Since my head is pretty fuzzy this morning, I apologize in advance for my disconnected rambling.  I will try not to be too confusing.

It was an emotional week with me having to put in my notice at work and quitting the transport team.  I go back and forth between being sad, angry, and scared and excited to be moving on to learning something more.  My next step is to talk to the people at U of M.  I'm waiting on their call now.  As long as I don't say anything stupid, I should be ok.  Cross your fingers.

I think the big problem for me right now is all the waiting.  I just want to get on with everything so that we can get out of limbo and move forward with our lives.  I see it affecting how we are with each other and I definitely don't like that.  We are both ultra-sensitive and snappy, though I doubt that T would actually admit that.  As a matter of fact, he is of the mindset that I am never happy and always negative.  It upsets me when he says things like that and then, of course, my upset validates his opinion.  It's a no win situation for me.  After yesterday's skirmish ("why can't you ever be positive??), I decided to just keep how I feel to myself from now on.  I am just tired of feeling like I need to defend myself.  I will either been seen and accepted for who I am or I won't be.  I can't let that rule my life anymore.  Hopefully, we will come out the other side of this together but a lot of the time I don't take that for granted anymore and that makes me sad.

I don't know if I'm a bit down today because I feel cruddy or what but I should probably just stop now and take a nap.  Maybe that will improve my outlook on life.

Peace ☮

Reality and Decisions

It's funny how one can be in denial so strong that when reality finally hits it's like a Mack truck just ran through the living room.

By "funny", I mean ironic. 

By "one", I mean me.

Webster's defines denial as "a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality".

Yep, that pretty much sums up my thought processes until the last couple of weeks.

You see, I thought I had it all under control, this all was just a little blip in our lives, and we would just sail through and come out the other side...maybe a little battered and bruised, but generally o.k.  I wasn't denying that some pretty serious stuff had come down or that my husband didn't have an addiction to opiates.

Heck, no.

I did all the right things, took all the right steps:  bail, check; lawyer, check; detox, check; IOP, check; NA meetings, check...well, you get the idea. I was really in my element, making lists and doing damage control.  What I didn't take into account was the consequences of his actions and their effect on our family beyond delaying our move.

When I finally took a realistic look around instead of doing this:

 
I realized that our lives had sustained a blow that kind of looked like this:

Somewhere in my head I knew that when we lost T's income it would be quite difficult to make ends meet but I don't think it really hit home until he told me that he would have to borrow money from his family to make expenses.  He had chosen not to say anything specific about it until last week because he wanted to protect me from the mess our lives had become.

I felt a couple different ways about it at the time.  I was really and truly angry with him for not telling me all along how bad things were.  I was angry at myself for not realizing something so simple.  I was scared about what was going to happen to us.

We talked.  Mostly, I talked (shocker, right?).  But the difference this time was that I really could see that he was listening this time.  I told him I did not need protection, I'm a lot tougher than I looked.  I also told him that I felt like we were in this mess because of a lack of communication.  We are both to blame for that.  He has a warped sense of chivalry and I am content to keep my head in the sand a lot of the time.

The bottom line?  If we are going to come through this stronger, healthier, and together then we need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Yes, there will be tears, anger, and fear at times.  But there will also be love, faith, and trust.

I know the title of this post is "Reality and Decisions" and yes, I've had to make some hard decisions this past week in order to help my family.  I will be taking my act on the road and travel nursing.  I will be making a lot more money but it will mean being away for days at a time. 

I'm not happy about it and, frankly, I'm scared.  Change and meeting new people is certainly not my forte.  I am determined, however, to make this work and get us out of this hole.  I refuse to come out the other side broken.

Peace ☮

Change is not my strong point

I debated whether to abandon this blog in light of all that has happened in the last 5 months.  I didn't know what to say here and I couldn't seem to form any coherent thoughts, let alone blog posts.  As the dust continues to settle, however, I came to the conclusion that to continue to put my thoughts down in writing could be healing for me.  I don't know how entertaining it will be but it will definitely be real. 

As the saying goes...Shit got real. 

So, with my head held high, I will try to make sense of some senseless things.

On April13th of this year, my life - my family's life - changed forever.  Nobody died, but they could have.  Nobody had an affair, but it felt like a betrayal.  And, while I know we will survive this, we will never be the same again.  I hope we will end up being better - better spouses, better parents, better friends, better everything - but there is no guarantee.  This is a very hard story for me to share but I hope that by sharing it, I will begin to heal and begin to move past the hurt and anger that still eats at me today.

My husband is an addict.  There, I said it.  As a result of this horrible disease, he did some terrible things in order to feed his addiction.  Things that I won't detail here but that completely changed our lives.  In a way, he destroyed our lives with his actions.  This doesn't mean we won't rebuild our marriage and our family but it does mean that everything is different now.

My first instinct when he told me was to put my arms around him and tell him I loved him and that it would be ok.  I believe that it will be.  At the time, I was in such shock that I was unable to fully realize the ramifications of it all.  I've since been told by his counselor at detox that I was weird for offering unconditional support like that.  The fact of the matter is that I love him and, even though he lied to me I don't know how many times, I will still stand by him.  I refuse to let the disease he has define what kind of person he is.

This does not mean I am not angry.  Oh, I'm angry.  So angry that at times I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm learning and growing myself now and I've come to the realization that I am as sick, if not sicker than he is.  That was a hard pill for me to swallow (pun intended).

So for now, we are still on the mainland.  He has criminal charges pending in regards to his disease.  Until 2 weeks ago, he wasn't working.  He is now working for a fraction of what he was making but at least he has a job and some people who believe in him aside from his family.

As for my job, I am a very lucky person.  I went to my boss and she was able to keep me on full time.  I am mostly able to take time off for court and other things related to this when I need to.  Work has been more supportive than I ever expected and I am extremely grateful.

The question I get asked the most (with the exception of how T. is doing) is whether we will still move.  My answer is always the same:  as soon as this is over and he's served whatever time he needs to, whether it's jail or probation, we will go.  I am still registered with the Nurse Travel Agency and I recently renewed this:

 

as a way to show that I believe we will still go.  When the time comes, we will go as a family who is there for each other, no matter what.  A husband and wife who can finally trust each other and be who they need to be.

Life goes on, thank God.  This could have ended so differently.  I shudder when I think about how I could have found out about his disease by being notified of his death.

There have been some positive things from all of this.  I get to spend more time with my family and friends here at home.  I can run races that I wanted to run but wasn't going to be able to because we were going to be gone.  I have found out who my real friends are and who I don't need to waste time on because they really don't care.  And the best part?  I have my husband back.  The loving man I married is here for me and our Princess B. again.  Has he changed?  Yep, he sure has but these changes are for the good.  In time, I truly believe that we will come out of this stronger.

So...while I generally hate change...how can one have an adventure without a little change in his or her life?

Let the adventure continue...

Parenting grown kids - another perspective

I am in a weird position of being the parent of a pre-schooler and also the parent of grown kids.  I have a lot of friends who are younger and at a more traditional age to have a 4 year old.  Sometimes I find it hard to hear my friends vent about their parents and in-laws because I don't ever want my grown kids to feel like my friends sometimes do. I never had to worry about offending my parents because they honestly don't care and make little effort so I've had to stumble along and figure things out for myself. I think that I have often fallen and disappointed my kids in my reactions to their decisions and that makes me sad. Being divorced from their father has made it a million times harder as we've had to divide holidays for 10+ years now. I admit it... I am jealous of the time he gets with them.

I strive to be like my mother-in-law. She takes everything in stride. If we can't make it on a holiday or special day she never says anything to us. She may vent to father-in-law but we are never aware of that. I really hope we have never hurt her by being absent. But we do have our own lives, as all of my friends do.

I try really hard to let my grown kids have their own lives...to not interfere. It's just so hard sometimes! For instance, I just found out that my youngest son will be going to his dad's for Christmas this year when I thought he was coming to our house. It upset me. Yes, I know it's irrational...his dad has every right to see him on a holiday...but I was upset nonetheless. I tried not to let him know but it was obvious by his explanation that he knew I wouldn't be happy. He told me that it was his dad's "turn" (as per the old divorce agreement) and that he continues to do it that way even though he is almost 20 in order to keep it fair and not upset anyone.

Then there is my daughter-in-law. She hates me. Doesn't talk to me. And neither does my oldest son. Haven't heard from him in months and he changed his phone number without giving me his new one. I really don't know what I did wrong there. Yes, I did tell them I was upset for their elopement and the fact that they lied to my face. And when my grandson's mom tells me my son is behind on child support, yes I have called to ask about it. My grandson comes first in those times. But I tried to be welcoming at Christmas and supportive of her when my son was an ass. I'm sure that if she is on any message boards, I am the mother-in-law from hell, though. And it hurts.

I guess what I'm saying is it is so hard to let go. In my head, I know I should be happy for all of them and the fact that for the most part they are successful and happy. In my heart, I miss them so very much. I work very hard to not let those feelings get in the way of our relationship but I know that sometimes it seeps through and it makes them upset/mad/frustrated.

I don't want to have them all to myself to be controlling but simply because I love them all so much. I worry all the time and would love to be able to save them from any hurt, hardship, or disappointments but I know I can't do that and I have to have faith that I have raised them well and that they will be just fine.

Yes, It's Been Awhile

I make no excuses...life just sometimes gets away from me.  I hope my 2 followers will forgive me :)

The planning and packing for the move is steadily moving forward.  I have officially put in notice at work (my last day is April 25th) and I've been gathering all the information needed to start as a travel nurse in Hawaii.  To say I am not a bit nervous would be a lie...I'm bordering on terrified some days.  I want this to work and to make this move not only fun and adventurous but also successful.  I keep telling myself that I'd rather do it and fail then to regret not doing it but it is still so scary to pick up and go so far away, into a fairly uncertain future.  It has definately kicked up my anxiety a notch!

So, let's see...where exactly are we in the process?  Well, as I said, I've turned in notice and am registered with a nurse travel agency.  Half the hotel reservations for our epic cross country adventure are made.  I'm on the verge of reserving a Hawaiian condo (waiting on a return email).  The movers have been booked.  And I've started packing.

I've discovered something while packing.  Something my family has probably known for years.  I am a mini-hoarder.  I have a lot of trouble letting go of things because I attach meaning to them.  Sometimes it's very personal, like the things I have of Joey's.  My love for him is so attached to his things that I have found it literally impossible to let any of his things go.  Other things are more tied to my past and are a bit more complicated to explain.

I was going through the stuff in the dining room today.  Stuff like large bowls, bakeware, serving dishes...stuff you rarely use but when you do, you don't want to have to go out and buy it.  I found myself feeling irrationally angry that I really should just leave this stuff behind and get stuff there as I need it.  It's silly really since I generally only use that stuff on holidays and, since we will be so far away, it is doubtful I'll need all the large stuff for just the three of us.

As I'm typing this, I'm having a little "aha!" moment.  Maybe that's the whole point.  It will only be the three of us and rarely will the other kids be with us and probably never all at the same time.  Letting go of my huge salad bowl has somehow tied itself to letting go of my children, something I really don't want to do.

I didn't set out to have an epiphany while writing this...it just sort of happened, didn't it?  I have an awful lot to process now...

It's Really Happening

All of a sudden, things seem to be moving fast and yesterday was a really big day for us.

We made our first two hotel reservations for our zig-zaggy trip across the country!  I'm both excited and terrified.  On the one hand, I just want to get this show on the road but on the other hand it is moving too fast and I feel like I have too much to do in too little time.  I look around at our very full house and wonder how I'm going to get rid of all the stuff we aren't taking.

Let the purging begin!

The other thing stressing me out is that I am having breakfast with my medical director today to tell her I am leaving.  This doc is more than my director...she was Joey's doctor and she is my friend.  Her opinion means the world to me and I know she is not going to be happy we are leaving.  Once I tell her then I can put in my notice.  Another scary thing!

On a side note, another big thing happened yesterday... well big to me, anyway.  I got fitted for my new running shoes and am officially back on the road.  Today I have a run planned... not sure how far but I'm excited at the prospect of getting outside and tuning out for awhile.  I need my stress relief more than ever.

Time to get ready to go.  Wish me luck, blogger land (specifically my 2 followers Megan and Kate!).

Peace.

Intimacy

Lately I've been thinking a lot about intimacy and what it really means.  Most people will automatically think of sex as the definition but really intimacy is so much more than that and can even exist where there isn't any sex.  When googling images of intimacy I got A LOT of naked pictures but I also got pictures of moms with babies and couples holding hands.

Dictionary.com defines intimacy as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group" however it's often used in its sexual context nowadays.  I sometimes think that misconception is part of the problem of lack of intimacy in some relationships.

Let me tell you what intimacy means to me.  It means trusting the other person to really listen to what you are saying.  It means knowing there is someone else in this world that you can count on no matter what.  It is someone to laugh with, cry with, be silly with, be quiet with.  It means that even if that person doesn't understand where you are coming from, they try to.  If they still can't understand, they just accept you anyway.  It is a safe place to rest your heart.

 

 

Intimacy isn't always about men and women, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife (or various other couple designations).  It is about family and friends, parents and their children, and even people and their pets.  Sometimes one can experience intimacy with a total stranger.

 

Everyone needs intimacy.  I think the world would be a better place if more people truly knew what it was and if it was a part of their lives.  I know that right now, it's lacking in mine and I am unhappy.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to do about that.

 

Peace.



What's new in 2013

I have always hated the phrase "New Year's Resolutions".  It seems to beg that we (meaning me) make a bunch of lofty statements that we (again meaning me) have really no intention of following through on.

Instead, I choose to set goals.  Things that are actually measureable, have actual steps, and that, even if not totally realized, can still be seen as growth if I actually work towards them.  I don't necessarily fail if I don't meet my goals as long as I am still somewhere in the process of attaining them.  At least in my own head that's how it works.

So what are my goals this year?  I have several that I've actually already been working on and that will hopefully become reality this year.

1. Weight:  I would like to drop the weight I gained since my injury.  Specifically:  25# by May 1st.
2. Running:  Rebuild my running base.  Slowly, through January and February then for March I'd like to run 100 miles during the month.
3. Races:  Indy Mini in May.  Honolulu Marathon in December.
4. School:  Graduate!
5. Organization:  Clear out 1 room a week.  By "clear out" I mean sort, pack, and down-size.  Starting with the storage room in the master bedroom.
6. Hawaii move:  There are so many steps that are ongoing that it's going to take more than a bullet point to list them!  Planning is over, now it's time to get into action.
7. Communication:  I want to work on better communication skills with both my children and my husband.  I'm not sure how to accomplish that yet but I'm working on it.

I have a busy year ahead of me.  I'm excited and scared and can't wait to move on to this new adventure!

Peace!

The letters

In going through some papers today I found some letters.  Letters I wrote to my four oldest children between 1995 and 1998.  They were in a manila envelope marked "To my family in case of death, from Mommy"

I know it sounds morbid but that was a kind of morbid time.  Most of the writing was done after we lost Joey.  Death was (and sometimes still is) something I thought about on a daily basis.

In reading them over, tears came to my eyes.  These letters sought to offer comfort to children who, at the time, were under 10 years old.  I was so worried about how my children would fare if I was taken from them that it was the only thing I feared in death.  I wanted to continue to shelter and care for them even after I was gone.

At a time when I am struggling with my ability to parent and often am left feeling powerless and inadequate these letters written so long ago reassure me.  While that wasn't the intent, I read the words I left for my children and can see that I really am not so bad.  There is no denying the love I feel for my kids.  I make mistakes, but those mistakes are often out of trying too hard rather than being an apathetic parent.

Having children is hard.  It was hard when they were little and is even harder now that they are grown up.  I struggle not to cross the line from loving to controlling.  I have trouble letting go enough to let them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.  I don't want them to get hurt but I also know that they will never grow if they don't.  There is a fine line between love and support and enabling.  I am trying not to cross it.

I think that today is the perfect day to write updated letters to my grown up children.  Hopefully, they will not have to read them for a very long time but when they need the words, they will be there for them.  They will hopefully laugh when they see the letters and joke that mom always has to have the last word.