An Update to My Silence

I've been pretty quiet since my surgery for a number of reasons.  A lot has been going on in my life besides surgery recovery and I a) didn't know where to start and b) I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer.  I sometimes feel like all I do is complain and that really isn't who I am.  I'm generally an upbeat kind of girl, so much so that I'm sure I annoy my friends and children with my "glass is half full" attitude.  The fact that I've been so down lately is a testament to the continuous stress I've been under.

So let's talk about stress.  My stress is no different from anyone else's, really.  Maybe the particulars are but we are all under some sort of stress.  I work a high stress job and have for a very long time so I've generally been able to deal with it pretty well (without any chemicals, I might add!).  How, you ask?  My main stress reliever for the last 2 years or so is... running.

(I literally just saw a light bulb go on over your collective heads)

So, since June 1st I have been unable to utilize my biggest stress reliever.  Since that time there has been major work stress, kid drama, health issues, and school pressures and I have not found a new way in which to deal with any of it.  The result is not pretty, let me tell you.  I cry...a lot.  For no reason.  My old insecurities rear their ugly heads and I give in to them which causes more tears, more heart ache, more stress.  With more stress comes more tears and more insecurities...

You get the idea.

Don't get me wrong... not all of my emotional outbursts and feelings of gloom and doom are unwarranted.  I have some honest to goodness stuff going on.  I'm just not dealing with it very well right now.

Let's take a look at the particulars:

1. Surgery:  my toe is not cooperating.  The first day after the dressing came off (10 days post-op), the incision came open.  2 weeks post-op I returned to work.  When I got home (in a lot of pain), the incision not only was open, but bleeding.  Off work another week.
2. TMI (in case I have any male readers) My version of PMS (peri-menopause shit).  Still no period but no other symptoms so I worry that maybe it's something more.
3. My son:  #1 son strikes again.  This time he's not just being insensitive but is in real trouble.  Even if I wanted to help him, there is no way I can.  I am ashamed of his behavior and this shame brings me guilt.  Lots of guilt.  Is it something I did or didn't do that makes him do these things?  I doubt myself as a mother and I hurt for him and my grandson.
4. Work (or lack thereof):  No work = no paycheck.  Merry Christmas.
5. School:  I feel like I am constantly behind.  Our research project is at a standstill, waiting for approvals to continue.  I just want it to be over.
6. My house:  it's a mess.  I haven't been able to take care of it since my surgery and if I don't do it then it pretty much doesn't get done.  I don't like asking my already overworked husband to do more than he already is and I am not very good at asking for help.
7. And, finally, my marriage.  How much of the neglect I feel is real and how much is a result of my magnified emotions?  I don't know.  All I know is a lot of the time I feel invisible, unloved, and alone.

Here's the million dollar question:  What exactly can I do about all of this?  When I list it out like that and really take a good look...well, nothing really.  Things are what they are and either I deal with it and accept it and have some peace or I don't and I continue feeling miserable.  It's simple really.  Simple but not easy.

While I ponder that I will leave you with this graphic that I am borrowing from Single Dad Laughing (an excellent blog, BTW).

Simple, right?

Take time today to really look around and be grateful.  That's what my plan for the day is!

Peace!

Election Day

All I have to say today is GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Peace

Post Op day 1

Well, I survived.  Yesterday, I was feeling ok, I had an anesthetic block on my foot so it was only a little sore.  This morning, however, was a different story entirely.

The block had worn off by the time I got up and I must have stepped wrong because I had such bad pain that I literally burst into tears.  That is just not me.  I scared Princess B and ever since she's been telling me "it'll be ok mommy!".  I don't think she is actually telling me, though, I think she is telling herself.

The doc has since upped my pain meds and that seems to be working so far.  I'm not getting much homework done but I sure did get a lot pinned on Pinterest!

A more thoughtful post will be forthcoming when I am better able to be coherent.  Until then, I will watch ND football and snack on game food that my step-mom was kind enough to cook for us.

Peace!

Thoughtful today

It's amazing how many thoughts can run through one's head on the day of surgery.   Yes, today is the day and, quite frankly, I am scared.  I can tell myself all day that it's a simple surgery and that I have a good doctor but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.  

The problem with being a nurse is that you know too much.  You know what can go wrong, even under the best of circumstances.  My mind keeps circling around the fact that I'm not just scared, I am terrified.  I have so much still left to be done and I am scared that I will lose that today.

I will admit, I am anxious in even the best of times, worried when things are going well that somehow I will jinx it and it will all go to Hell in a hand basket (sidenote:  what the heck does that even mean?!  I must google it!).  I spend so much time worrying that I am not able to enjoy and be happy a lot of the time.  I'm working on that but it's so so hard to live in the moment and not worry about the what ifs when some of those what ifs have already happened in life.

Anyway, here is the message I would like to convey today:  Don't let your lives be ruled by the what ifs.  It is exhausting, to say the least.  Plan for the future, but enjoy the moment.  Let the people you love know it!  Be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Let go of the things that hurt or anger you.  In the end, you won't regret doing any of those things but you may regret it if you don't do them.

p.s.  Going to Hell in a handbasket:  to be rapidly deteriorating - on course for disaster.

full story here:  Going to Hell in a handbasket