All the changes! - part 1

I alluded to a multitude of changes happening in my life in the last post so I thought I should be more specific.  It's hard to know where to start so I guess I'll just get right into it.

I can't remember if I've ever posted about my mother.  We had a complicated relationship, to say the least.  In the more recent years, I tended to focus on the negative.  So much so that I had very little contact with her.  I had spent many years feeling attacked and belittled that I had a hard time trusting when she said the right things.  I wish now that I had been quicker to share my life with her and to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she had hurt me in the past.

I'm not going to get into any gory details.  My relationship with my mother is probably similar to many other parental relationships.  As children, we are totally dependent on our parents, especially our mothers.  When they appear to fail in our eyes, a lot of us are very slow to forgive.  I wish I could say I wasn't like that but the truth is, after many years of feeling hurt, I chose to back away instead of forgiving and loving my mom for who she was instead of who I wish she was.

A few months ago, my sister called me.  She lived with my mom and I don't think she has ever called me in her entire adult life before then.  Some of that is my fault, I am older and I was so wrapped up in my own life and family that I didn't make any effort to maintain a relationship with the adult version of my little sister.  And some of it is my mom's fault for subtly putting a wedge in between us.  Whatever the cause, I had always regretted not having more of a sisterly relationship with my sister.

Anyway, she called.  She called because mom was sick and it was serious.  What had been thought to be a UTI was actually Stage IV liver cancer, most likely metastasized from her pancreas.  The doctor was initially saying she had 6 months to live.  I immediately planned a trip to the mainland so that Bella could meet her face to face (they had been emailing sporadically) before she got too sick. 

The last time I talked to my mom where she was coherent was a week before Mother's Day.  I chose to take something she said and get hurt feelings and offended.  When I called the following week on Mother's Day, she was on so many pain meds that she wasn't understandable on the phone.

Everything happened very fast.  My mom decided on no chemo and was admitted into hospice at home.  Two days later, my sister called and said the docs were now saying 4-6 WEEKS instead of months.  I was on a plane that night.

When I got to their house, my mom was still alive but she was heavily medicated and had very few lucid moments.  As I sat by her bedside, I could only think of how many regrets I had and how much time we had wasted.

I spent time with my sister, getting to know her as an adult and finding that I really liked her a lot.  She is such an intelligent and multi-faceted woman.  I am proud to be her sister.  We took turns sitting with mom, sitting quietly, and doing our own thing. 

The second day I was there, mom had a lucid moment.  She didn't speak but I told her I loved her and that I was sorry for my part in our troubled relationship.  She lifted her arms and when I asked if she wanted a hug, she nodded.  Her last words to me were "love you too".  She died that night.

I've struggled in the 3 months since then with my feelings about my mom.  I love her.  I've always loved her.  I have good memories along with the bad.  I remember being 8 years old and taking horseback riding lessons.  I remember singing along to "Delta Dawn" and "You're So Vain".  I remember mom making lemon eggy when I was sick.  She was an excellent cook and taught me so much.  I have her first cookbook and another cookbook where she wrote all her made up recipes.  I remember watching old movies and musicals on tv on a lazy Sunday.  I remember going to work with her as she worked overtime teaching herself programming so we could have a better life.

I miss my mom.  My feelings are just as complicated as our relationship was.  I wish we had longer.  I wish I had forgiven her sooner.  And I hope she knows now how much she meant to me.

Starting over is so hard!

I've been thinking a lot about regret and failure.  I try really hard to not regret decisions made in my past but some days I really feel it.  I compare my insides to other's outsides.  I wonder what I could have done differently to get what I perceive as what others have.

I decided this morning that I wanted to start from now and really work on me and my attitude.  I miss feeling happy and sometimes have no idea why I don't.  I sabotage myself; in so many ways!  It's time to lift myself up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and be the person I want to be.  It may be a bit of "fake it till you make it" at first but without starting, I will get nowhere.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this is coming from being inside my head too much since I spent the last 10 days sick.  No running, not really leaving the house, and plenty of time to find my life unsatisfactory compared to what others choose to show the world.  I've always tried to share both the good and the bad but I know that not everyone does that.  Instead of envy and jealousy, I need to foster self-love, gratitude, and genuine happiness for the people in my life.

So, here's to the second half of 2019!  So much is happening (new job, finishing grad school, new home) and there is so much to be thankful for.  Consider this my official "I'm back!" post.  I will try to keep my commitment to myself (and my 1 follower:  Aloha Kate!) and share on a regular basis my challenges, triumphs, and escapades. 

I want to live this life, not just survive it.

Now, go hug someone just because.  And hydrate.

peace.

And so we begin (trigger warning for eating disorders)

Trigger warning for those who have issues with eating disorders.  You may want to skip this because I will be talking about mine.  J.



So, I wanted to post on Sunday but since I made a trade at work and ended up working 3 in a row I was just too tired.

I haven't been too lazy though!  I am slowly making my way back into the world of fitness and eating better.  The eating part isn't too difficult...I actually like healthy food and I'm content with an occasional treat.  My trick is to not keep the junk in the house.  Eventually, the craving passes.  When I do have a treat then I plan it and make sure there are no leftovers.  Sometimes T will bring home stuff but I try to ignore it.  

For the sake of transparency, I had a cookie last night.  The miracle was that I only had one and I was actually fine with that!

See, I have to be careful on how I handle my diet and my relationship with food.  I don't know when it started but one day I realized that I was hiding my food intake from family and friends.  I waited to eat until after T and B were in bed or left for work/school.  At work, if there were treats in the break room I wouldn't eat any if there was anyone there.  I ate a lot of fast food in the car.  By a lot I mean 3 meals in one sitting.  Enough to feel sick.

I alternated my secret binges with extreme healthy eating and tracking my food down to the teaspoon.

None of it was healthy and all of it made me feel horrible both mentally and physically.  Mix in there over exercising and setting unrealistic goals and you have my life for the last year or so.  I have what's called orthorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy; a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful.

It's taken me a couple months to adjust to not practicing my particular brand of Hell but I've slowly been crawling out of my hole and living a lifestyle that I am proud of most of the time.  It's not all puppies and rainbows but it's a lot healthier than it was before.  I'll save the how's for another post.  This one has gotten a little emotional for me, just writing it all out.

Here's this week's check in:  

I ran a total of 7 miles, some of them with my new running partner Dawn.  She is awesome and is helping me to stay accountable.

That's us :)

I've mostly been logging my food.  I missed yesterday but will start again tomorrow.  I've been on point with moderation.  I'm eating healthy but I'm allowing myself to have the occasional cookie or ice cream.  Life is too short, isn't it?

Today I started a work out program on the Jillian Michael's app.  It's called the Gauntlet.  I'll admit that I didn't even look at it because the name said to me that I was incapable of anything like that. But then she (Jillian) talked about it on her latest podcast.  It's a year long program that starts from the beginning level and progresses as you do.  The work out was hard today (I was only able to do a sit up with B sitting on my feet) but I did it!  I'm excited about progressing.  

I have a day one progress pic but I have been fighting with my phone, apple, itunes, and my laptop for hours and I give up.  It's dinner time.  I will post it on Saturday with my race pics!

peace <3

With a new start, comes new goals

So I swear that I didn't just post and run in March!  Life has been crazy but since things have calmed down, I am hoping to get into a rhythm of posting.  I'm aiming for once a week.

I also swear that I wasn't just talking smack.  I have actually started doing things to take care of myself better.  I meant it when I said I wanted to be healthier and I am really trying to do it the right way.

I still struggle with negative self-talk.  I think that may take awhile to give that up.  It's taken me my whole life to get to this place so I need to be patient with myself when it comes to what is going on in my head, too.

My goals for May are pretty simple:  

• Get started
• Set up accountability
• Be consistent

Simple, right?  So here's what I did to follow through on these 3 simple goals.

To get started, I picked up my bullet journal again.  I let it slip away while focusing on getting back into the swing of things at school but I'm back at it.  I scheduled time for my work outs, began meal planning weekly, and logged my measurements.  I'm not ready to share those with you yet but I'll get there.  Future posts will highlight my fitness tracking too :)

Accountability was fairly easy.  I found someone that I really enjoyed being with who was also looking for accountability and had similar goals as me.  My goal is weekly runs with her.  Tomorrow is our second week and I'm really excited about it.  

Consistency is probably my most difficult goal this month.  I'm great at planning but can be sketchy on the follow through.  I'm really trying to make it different this time.  

So this is what I've been up to the last few weeks.  Here's to new beginnings!

Peace <3

It's time to be kind

I've always thought of myself as a nice person but I've come to realize that I really am not a very nice person.  Oh, I'm kind to others, help when I can, lend an ear or a shoulder, and work really hard at not being judgmental.  I try to see things through other's eyes.  I have tremendous compassion for other people...

And then I look in a mirror.  Suddenly, that compassionate, kind, loving person is not there.  When it comes to how I treat myself, judge myself, and think of myself I am a bully.

It has to stop.  The bullying is killing me slowly.

I'm not sure how this change will occur, but I am working on it.  No more hiding.  No more negative self-talk.  More acceptance and love.

Are there things I need to change about myself?  Sure there are!  But I've come to understand that change does not have to come with hateful thoughts and feelings.  Change can come with love and kindness.  I'll even go so far as to say change made with hate is unsustainable while change made with kindness will last a lifetime. The effects of how I treat myself will then become ripples on a pond, affecting those around me.

I ask myself, "what do I want to teach my children? Especially, my daughters?"  If anyone bullied my kids the way I bully myself, there would be Hell to pay.  I want to teach my kids to stand up to bullies.  Especially when that bully is their own inner voice.  I want to teach them it can be done.  That they can love themselves while still wanting to make positive changes.

The first step is admitting there is a problem.  And that's what I am doing now.

peace <3

On being a grandma

I became a grandma again today for the third time.  As I look at the pictures my son has sent me I am so full of love for this little person that my heart feels like it will explode.  It is not something I ever expected back in the years before I had grandchildren, when my own children were little.

Don't get me wrong...I knew I'd love them when I got them.  I just had no idea on the intensity of feeling that would overwhelm me when I look at the children of my children.  I always thought I could never love anyone as much as I love my kids but I was wrong.  When I look at the grandchildren I have been blessed with, I realize that my children have given me such a beautiful and unexpected gift. 

I see my children in my grandchildren...along with bits and pieces of me, their dad, my parents, his parents...and so on...

I see the past in my grandchildren but, more importantly, I see the future.  As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how my children have grown right along with them.  Is there any greater blessing?

In this haze of grandmotherly pride there is a little part of me that realizes no one is perfect but that part is silenced when I look into the faces of my grandchildren and think...

THIS is perfection. 

Commitment

A lot of the time lately, I feel like I am foundering.  I have a lot of great plans, goals, and ideas but I lack the follow-thru.  As a result, I feel like a bad wife, mom, and friend, and I feel like I'm failing not only those in my life, but myself as well.

I don't know if it's because of the way in which I go about things or just a fundamental lack inside myself but I do know that I'm really tired of feeling like a failure and I'm determined to change the situation.

I am done allowing life to control me.  It's time to really take stock and make the changes that I so desperately want and need in my life.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a part of my life and someone I care about.  Please know that my lack of follow thru has nothing to do with you but with my own shortcomings.  I commit to myself and to you now that these things WILL change.  Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not on the first of the month, but TODAY.

Love and light to you all...the best is yet to come!

J.